I have a raging headache and I don’t think it’s going to go away anytime soon. I am a big ball of electric emotions. What does that mean? I don’t know… easily sparked emotions? Whatever.

I’ve been slapped with the harsh reality of my past a lot this last week. Maybe my head hurts from crying so much… I don’t know though. Sometimes I feel like I am living two lives… and right now, one is getting the better part of me.

Someone very close to me told me last week, they thought I was carrying around a lot of anger. And you know what? It didn’t make me mad… it made me cry, because it’s the one thing I don’t want to admit… but it’s the truth. It’s that little nugget of goodness that you don’t want anyone to ever see or experience. I have been trying to accept and deal with it for years, some days I do and most people never experience this side of me. It’s those special few that I really let in that get hurt by it.

How did this happen? I always thought I was stronger and above harboring such bitterness. When I was younger, things would literally roll right off me and break on the floor. Nothing stuck. I went through a transition in my teens, as well all do, and this feeling… it’s almost resentment… has been growing ever since. I’ve admitted many times that I have gone through several selfish streaks in my life – it’s a defense mechanism, really. I’ve had so many insecurities and concerns that when they start to take hold and I feel I’m losing control, I push everything away and shut down.

Looking back on my life, I realize I built certain walls to never feel the pain of rejection or criticism, and I did this early. I can almost pin-point the day… I was 6, almost 7. I was spinning on a wooden swing in our front yard and I was told that the man I loved as my father was not my father. So casually, without explanation, without anything other than, “You’re not really a part of this family”. I felt so alone and confused… I felt lied to, betrayed and rejected. I have never truly trusted anyone from that moment on. To this day, my composure dissipates when someone tells me I have done something wrong. I lose all sense of rationality and instantly spark from all sides. I lost myself, quickly, in the men around me looking for acceptance. I had always approached relationships, with men and women, apprehensively and felt I was to behave a certain way within each to maintain that relationship. For years, I did this.

Looking back on my life, I realize I have lived my life in survival mode. All I saw was keeping my head up, making it to the other side. When I was a child, sleeping with a knife under my bed, crying at the sounds of footsteps outside my door; when I was child, lying on my back on the kitchen floor, blood dripping in my mouth, wondering when/if he was going to stop and if I was going to live through this; when I was a child, looking at the desolation, abandoned and bruised faces of my family... survival mode was ok – necessary. It has always been present in my life… but all of that is over and for the first time in my life, there isn’t anyone other than myself or my daughter influencing me and my decisions. It will take me a while to pick up the pieces and mend those relationships broken during my “aftermath”. I am sorry you were stuck in the middle.

I’ve done so many wrong, thoughtless and selfish things in my life, but who hasn’t? I’m not trying to misplace blame or to denote what I have done, but I really want all of this to be over… I didn’t think I could do that without you. I didn’t think I could move on unless I had your permission and acceptance. I made the first real step 5 and half years ago and even though I have had some hiccups and have fallen down along the way, please don’t tell me you miss the old me… when you say that to me, I hear, I liked you miserable and nearly broken.

I am sorry you took my need for change personal and are now feeling abandoned. I never meant to hurt you, but I wasn’t living my life. I wasn’t happy and I didn’t want to start resenting you for it.