PISCES: February 19 - March 20th
Give yourself a break -- take off from work, ease up on the self-flagellation or just take time out to do something nice for yourself. You may feel a bit off-balance, but that should change soon.
Wednesday, July 8
She's got a lot of issues... like a good magazine.
I woke up in an itty bitty funk this morning. Can we blame the rain? Lets blame the rain.
I go throughout my days just fine. I play with my daughter, laugh and joke with my friends, stalk people on the internet, watch my horoscopes and drink too much coffee. All is as it always is, but when I sit still and those fleeting moments when I'm not focusing on too many things find me, I realize my chest is tight, my breathing is shallow and I want to curl into a ball and hide under my covers until this passes. I have but one question... how long does this fucking last? I know that moving on is what is genuinely best for me and my sanity, but I don't seem to have enough sweaters to take this chill away.
This picture really has nothing to do with anything, but I still love it. It's the timing of it that attracts me most. That... and I look ridiculously thin. {giggles} This was taken December 2008. Peace time. Rediscovering me time. Coincidently, Carl time, too. First time I remember feeling genuinely happy in years.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy now, just walking a little slower up the hill than I was all those months ago. I know I am investing in certain activities as a distraction, because it shifts my focus. That's normal though, right? Patience is not a virtue I possess and I really, really want this feeling to evaporate.
Now, please.
Tuesday, July 7
Monday, July 6
Hey nightmare...what giant teeth you have.
I’ve been told I share too much and this post will be no exception. So best to stop reading if such things bother you. This time of year is always an emotional one for me. Yes, I’m intense and take things too seriously sometimes, but Independence Day is the one day I withdraw and get a little weirder. 13 years ago, the man I called father was arrested for his transgressions taking place over the period of… oh… about 10 years. It was July 3, 1996 about 11:45pm. I was 15.
I sat, with my sister and my best friend, Sivar, on the front lawn in front of our home, numb. Up until that point my days were spent strategically placing myself out of sight… spent tip-toeing through my life, fearing a man I should have trusted. All my excess energy had no where to go and I didn’t know what to do with myself. It wasn’t until 3 days later that I remember finally breaking down and truly being hit with the reality and severity of everything. Independence Day has multiple meanings for me and isn’t a day I ever take for granted. This year, was no exception.
My life seems to revolve around dramatic events and displays of emotion… and lately, they’re not even mine. I somehow seem to get sucked into these situations and never see them coming. Am I too trusting? Is my judge of character that bad? Or is that truly just how I roll?
Thursday night I found myself in the middle of a situation that left me clutching the sheets of the bed I was lying in, staring up at the ceiling, on the verge of tears, shaken to my core. One solitary thought rolled over and over in my head...“What the fuck.” The only benefit of having my daughter sleeping next to me throughout this was with your children around at times like that, you are allotted only mere seconds for your freak outs and then you have to put your big girl panties back on.
Saturday, while spending time with another piece of my past that I have never truly been able to release, I donned those proverbial big girl panties again, wiped my tears and stood on my own two feet for the first time… ever, in front of him and told him all the things I knew… all the things I couldn’t do anymore. I see him now, clearer than I ever have. There are some that will never understand this attachment, and I can’t say that even I do, but I can say this, a small piece of my heart will always be there, but the largest part of me has moved on. And I will continue to do so, until memories of our life don’t bring tears to my eyes and pains to my sides.
I definitely have my triggers and emotional barriers, we all do. I’d like to think mine are no deeper than anyone else’s and my past experiences don’t govern my life. But I find myself wondering more and more as I look back on my more intimate relationships and can’t help but wonder, why do I attract so many emotionally unavailable men? I keep hearing/reading this everywhere… literally… “You get back what you send out to the universe.”
Wait... what?
Saturday, July 4
Friday, July 3
Wednesday, July 1
Tuesday, June 30
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