One thing most men simply do not seem to understand about me: I loath playing emotional or mental games. Are you looking for a one night stand? Looking for the proverbial white picket fence and 2.5 kids, soccer practice and Girl Scout cookies? Just want someone available to watch the random movie with? Just tell me. I understand these wants and needs change, too. Just keep me informed. Why does there need to be so many layers to everything?
I recently spent some time with The Candy Man and I will never forget the feeling I had when I woke up in the morning; looked at the clock, at him sleeping, left and sent him a text telling him I didn’t want to wake him but it was nice seeing him again. Driving home, had I not been so tired I would have giggled. This is what honesty feels like with a man? Hold on… even now I need a celebratory drink. I love adult moments.
I’ve been asked a lot recently, why I haven’t been dating and everyone has someone I just have to meet, but I’m not interested. I’m on hiatus. Honestly. And I fucking love it here.
Somewhere, I read a quote that said something along the lines of “the times you feel the loneliest are the times you need to be alone the most” and that replays in my head daily. I became so codependent with J it’s embarrassing. It truly is. I did meet two really great guys and I blew my chances with both because of this. The first? Candy Man… easy. Met him a week after J and I broke up… raw and full of it. I simply transferred my codependency on to him. And with Carl, I pushed him away (actually, it was more like kicked and ran away from) to keep from doing it again.
I felt and still feel that I needed to stand on my own for a while to truly appreciate having someone else in my life. 17 when I married. 26 when I divorced. By that time I was already involved with a man I was convinced I was going to marry. March 2009, birthday present to my 28 year old self? My own place full of my own stuff. Hello to growing up! That is what I am doing. There are days I am so tired and stressed and feel like crawling in my empty tub to bawl, but when I go to bed at night, I feel a sense of accomplishment I’ve never known before. Right now...I’m in love with those butterflies.
Yes, I am a single mother with a full-time job, but I also have essentially 4 other part-time jobs. I don’t have time to figure out where these adventures are going or to worry about whether or not some Joe is going to call me. What little time I do have is reserved for a precious little piece of me… and I need to make damn sure I know where its going if I’m directing it away from her.
Someday, I will meet the man that blows me away and slows me down… I’m not in a hurry, though. I’m, not so secretly anymore, looking forward to more dinners of peanut butter and pickle sandwiches and roaming through my apartment in my wife beater, boxers and unshaven legs.
Yeah I went there... {giggles}
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