I guess the most important thing is acknowledging that realization is the first step in change. So many things I've thought of today. I stopped off at the library after picking up my son tonight. Normally, I roll up to the double doors with a mile long list of books and an hour or more tucked in my back pocket. Tonight we arrived to grab a video and two books. One on co-parenting and one on de-cluttering. I was home a mere 5 minutes later successful. I guess this seems nominal to most, however, given my current lack of spontaneity and indecisiveness, I felt successful and instantly less stressed.
Co-parenting is hard. I don't believe for one minute that this book will hold all the answers I seek. I don't think any book will. But I think it will give me a new light. A new p.o.v., if you will. My ex and I have no issues, really. Truth is, my boyfriend and I struggle in this area. It's neither of our faults. We come from different backgrounds and different opinions. No different than any other set of parents out there. The issue is we've both been implementing our own ideas for several years and sometimes they don't work well together. We have the same common interest at heart and the same goal in mind though. And that is what makes the challenges worth it. We've both got amazing daughters and a beautiful son. We've got a strong begining and the rest is hard to wait to for sometimes.
Over the last few months, both before and after the birth of my son, something in me caved. It caved and threw it's hands in the air. It flipped the bird and went to sleep. I'm not feeling too familiar with my surroundings these days. The sanctuary of my apartment is buried. The contentment of my many projects has long flown away and I find myself eager to simply stare blankly at the wall instead. The face in the mirror is more weary and sleep is hard to surrender to. Overwhelmed I think is the appropriate term. I've been basting in it for a while now.
I love my children. I love my boyfriend. Hell, I even love my damn job. But the nine months it took to get here wore me the F out. And now? I'm tired of being frustrated. Frustrated with being so damn tired. So, because I can't sit still... ever and everything has to have a solution.... we're taking up Project: Simplify. Clearing the clutter. Tossing the bullshit. It's time this fool did some spring cleaning.
I love charts and calendars. Plans and lists. It's the follow through that mostly kills me. Today was day 1. And I am going to bed after 1 load of laundry, a freshly vacuumed apartment, 45 minutes of yoga, an hour of reading to both my kids and myself, 2 glasses of wine, a lengthy unsent email and for the first time in months the feeling of accomplishment.
Julie Miller: Ride The Wind To Me