Somedays I wish I had a clone... but I know I couldn't live with the bitch.

Recently, I struggle with time management... ok. There may be a little motivation issue, too... but mostly I'm just feeling worn out. I'm dating a great single father with full custody of his daughter and with the distance and schedules between us; we've been locked into a weekend romance. Problem is this; the weekends are the only time I have to get anything done.

It’s difficult to not step on toes or hurt feelings when trying to manage two households and maintain sanity. I feel like I've slid into a nice little funk... it worries me. I can't lie. How many times have you heard your friends, or yourself, comment on how much individuality was lost during such and such relationship? I've done it before. It’s far too easy to become comfortable in the new collective and abandon all other responsibilities and interests.  Even the simple things in my life have been neglected. You should have seen the cobwebs and the spider I had to sword fight just to post this.

Now, don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed my distraction. Relish it even. Perhaps, I'm just pushing out of that cocoon new lovers wrap themselves in, but I fear an issue starting to arise. Because our daily schedules are so vastly different, when he's ready to settle down and have brilliant conversations... I've just gotten home and have a shit-ton of strings to tie up. Some nights I'm so tired and cranky from the hoops of the day a simple "goodnight" is all I have the energy for. 

If you have any snippets of brilliance you’d like to share, I’m ready, man. Advice. Stories. Cute little cartoon pictures… or perhaps you’d like to donate some time? I could set up a donation link… it’ll be classy.

Today's assignment...

I pose these questions:

What is the point of having someone around if you're not allowing the opportunity to share the spontaneous moments, whether it be movie or music or simply sitting on the grass enjoying the shivers the tiny blades send up your legs...but those spontaneous moments when your heart skips, you stand on the couch jumping and screaming "That's what I'm talking about. Right there. That's it!" The moments your world spins and everything smells like lavender. 

Must everything be new to each and every one of us all the time? By extending an old love are we not extending a piece of ourselves for someone else's insight? Is it not more elegant and humble to lie curled among one another sharing our individual inspirations than stand on street corners, shouting amongst the hurried, distracted by their many colors boasting of our conquests and touting of our lessons? Some call it sophistication… I call it arrogance.

I’ve poured a large amount of my thoughts into something I’ve not yet been ready to talk about. Among the skeletons I found hiding in my closet, I uncovered something else… an insufferably hopeless romantic lying naked and starved, discarded long ago. I guess that’s just one more cliché I fall prey to… scratch any cynic and you’ll uncover a disappointed romantic.

I want to spend my weekends being in and making love. I want the wind in my hair and my feet in the mud. I want to hear the laughter of my daughter and feel the gentle kiss of my lover on my neck.  That… is simply all.

"I don't want to have to do this living. I just walk around. I want to be swept off my feet, you know? I want my children to have magical powers. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it." - [Richard Swersey played by John Hawkes in Me And You And Everyone We Know]

It's Like Picking Up Trash In Dresses.

27 years old... and I'm pretty sure I've always been a pain in the ass. I've been described as restless, an elitist, snob, high maintenance, loud, opinionated, sarcastic and my new favorite - manipulative. Yep... that sounds like a pain in the ass to me. I never really know what is going to come out of my mouth; who it will offend or where it will take me next.

I don't denounce any of those descriptions, really - I'm fully aware of my shortcomings, more than most realize. Some people have an overwhelming ability to bring these characteristics out stronger than others. Those are a dime a dozen. What I'd never met was someone who accepted all those, encouraged my intensity - literally and could weather the storm... or handle me, as my dearest friend exclaimed tonight.

I'm restless. I know that. I can't sit still for long. I have a million things running through my head. Right now, I'm rewinding an earlier conversation; making a mental list of all the things I need to do at work and home: look up airline tickets and call my step-mother...which reminds me of our last conversation and I want to cry, but then I remember where I am; there's an image of a pen making circles and I imagine myself on top of that pen -I can almost feel it... around and around and around. All of this now, with my headphones on…nano at maximum volume. Sometimes I pretend I can literally drown out the noise in my head. It works - momentarily.

Music has always been my white noise. It is personal for me... I need it in my life. I will repeat the same song over and over [I recently killed one song: 627 plays in 3 days]. I like the monotony. No matter what else is going on around me or what is playing out in my head, there is one constant.

There are some songs that I hang on and their every note drips true for my feelings, situation, beliefs... a self imposed theme song. Right now I’m holding onto A Beautiful Mess, by Jason Mraz. Not in the same way though… this is not a theme song, but a personal dedication.

Explanation? I didn't dream of my wedding when I was a little girl like all my friends. - I was too practical for that. I didn't think I would get married nor did I want to. I didn't care for relationships, really - I didn't date a lot and I didn't dream of what my "prince" would look like - I don't care [one thing I am not is superficial]. What I did envision was a daughter, blond... and myself - nothing else... no one else. I know how hard I am to hold... to manage... to thrive around.

Still, at my core, I am a romantic - and will be until the day I die. I want to be swept off my feet - breath caught in my throat.. perhaps because at this point I see it as more of a challenge and I love a good one. This song gives birth to those butterflies and evokes the mystery and wonder of the fairy tales from my youth. Given the ability to sketch my screenplay of Life, this would have been penciled in for my Prince Charming. I had often wondered if I would meet someone unaffected and strong enough to deal with the mess that I am... and I sit here, biting my lower lip in anticipation, knowing I may very well have just met my match.

Peace out,
Jerkface.