Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around.

Regardless of how old I get I hope I will never tire of...

Top Ramen, Mac & Cheese and Chicken Pot (chicken pot) Pies. They always wash me with the most obscure memories.

Tonight, on this perfectly great Saturday night, I sit at home watching Mannequin [don't judge me] enjoying Marie Calendar's finest, remembering the games my brother and sister and I would play in the hay stack behind our farm house. Hours were spent on those old stacks... Laughing over antics, whining from the scratches and screaming at the site of the mice residing within. I miss those kids...

So many things turn and make a left in life and it saddens me... To my very core... This distance put between my siblings and I. I wish it merely miles that separated us, but truth is our lives are so drastically different and hurried, finding common ground proves troublesome too often.

Chicago is oh, so lovely and everything I dreamed it would be, but after spending the last week with my loved ones I'm finding myself hard to locate again now that I'm back in my comfort zone.

Perhaps its merely exhaustion showing its ugly self.

But... Perhaps its more.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Tapeworms are what keep me thin.

I heart the sideways glances I get when people learn I don’t have cable television [and I have no plans to, either].

We all bitch about the effects of reality television and how it stagnates our brains. We complain about television raising our children [and God help us, for that]. Our daughters, sisters and girlfriends frown each morning in the mirror thinking of the Heidi’s, Lindsay’s and Kim’s. But my favorite part of all is this: we invite it in. We make it dinner and ask it to stay the night. And when the world bears down on us, we turn to it to console us.

When will we realize there are healthier options? Just because it’s there, doesn’t mean you have to watch/read/listen/buy/abuse it. But, it’s so much easier to sit and melt away; complaining of this bullshit society flings and wonder where our yesteryear morals have escaped to, isn’t it?

Its amazing how much of yourself you find when you stop letting pop-culture tell you who you should be.

{Jumps off soap box} I seem to be spending a lot of time on that thing lately. Next time I’ll bring my markers to make it look a little prettier. Decorate it Lisa Frank style, eh @jelliebraden?

Song of the moment:

Pet Shop Boys – I’m With Stupid.

Hope you brought your hat... I'm having a party.

I feel like something very large has been sitting on my chest for about two months now. I've been struggling to not let it bother me and I'm trying not to feel like I'm taking my last deep breaths, but I'm exhausted. Is there no end? My legs are tired from jumping these hurdles and I can almost taste the salty tears I've been holding back.

Shame on this song for opening the gates...

I've been telling myself for too long "something's got to change" and as of two weeks ago, I finally realized what it was. I'm keeping the details to myself a while longer, but acknolweding what has been staring me in the face, listening to what friends have been repeating for too long... and then this... well. Its enough.

Its time I set out to accomplish what I came here for.

p.s. This is not a tale of boys and heartbreak. Finally.
And that... well, that alone inspires me even more.

Let me give you a hand... letting yourself out.

One thing most men simply do not seem to understand about me: I loath playing emotional or mental games. Are you looking for a one night stand? Looking for the proverbial white picket fence and 2.5 kids, soccer practice and Girl Scout cookies? Just want someone available to watch the random movie with? Just tell me. I understand these wants and needs change, too. Just keep me informed. Why does there need to be so many layers to everything?

I recently spent some time with The Candy Man and I will never forget the feeling I had when I woke up in the morning; looked at the clock, at him sleeping, left and sent him a text telling him I didn’t want to wake him but it was nice seeing him again. Driving home, had I not been so tired I would have giggled. This is what honesty feels like with a man? Hold on… even now I need a celebratory drink. I love adult moments.

I’ve been asked a lot recently, why I haven’t been dating and everyone has someone I just have to meet, but I’m not interested. I’m on hiatus. Honestly. And I fucking love it here.

Somewhere, I read a quote that said something along the lines of “the times you feel the loneliest are the times you need to be alone the most” and that replays in my head daily. I became so codependent with J it’s embarrassing. It truly is. I did meet two really great guys and I blew my chances with both because of this. The first? Candy Man… easy. Met him a week after J and I broke up… raw and full of it. I simply transferred my codependency on to him. And with Carl, I pushed him away (actually, it was more like kicked and ran away from) to keep from doing it again.

I felt and still feel that I needed to stand on my own for a while to truly appreciate having someone else in my life. 17 when I married. 26 when I divorced. By that time I was already involved with a man I was convinced I was going to marry. March 2009, birthday present to my 28 year old self? My own place full of my own stuff. Hello to growing up! That is what I am doing. There are days I am so tired and stressed and feel like crawling in my empty tub to bawl, but when I go to bed at night, I feel a sense of accomplishment I’ve never known before. Right now...I’m in love with those butterflies.

Yes, I am a single mother with a full-time job, but I also have essentially 4 other part-time jobs. I don’t have time to figure out where these adventures are going or to worry about whether or not some Joe is going to call me. What little time I do have is reserved for a precious little piece of me… and I need to make damn sure I know where its going if I’m directing it away from her.

Someday, I will meet the man that blows me away and slows me down… I’m not in a hurry, though. I’m, not so secretly anymore, looking forward to more dinners of peanut butter and pickle sandwiches and roaming through my apartment in my wife beater, boxers and unshaven legs.

Yeah I went there... {giggles}

I'd like to be under the sea...in an octopus' garden in the shade.

Five days of September left. {sigh} We've not been getting along. I feel like it tricked me... saw I was down and took a cheap shot. It used to be my favorite month… the month of birth, rebirth and mad passionate love. Next year, I’m taking Monkey on a secret vacation and we’re putting September in a time out. "We would sing and dance around because we know we can't be found..."

September started off with an incredibly handsome stranger. It was a whirlwind week. Men don’t typically knock the wind out of me, at least not from the first handshake. It was a nice change. I heard through the grapevine he went back to his ex… guess that explains why I never heard from him again. Kudos to them, though. When you find someone you love, hold on with both hands and fight… kicking and screaming for them if you have to. It doesn’t happen every day. Honestly, I’m not even upset with him. I genuinely hope things work out. How silly is that?

My baby is growing up. This month that fact was a little harder to accept and made more obvious. Addi turned three this month. She’s taller than anyone else in the 3-4 year old room, she wears size 6 pants, weighs 47 pounds and as she told me this morning, can cook breakfast and drive me to school if I want her to. She took 4 four stitches to the head on her birthday. Internally, I freaked. Freaked. I still get teary eyed about it even now. I need to get a hold of myself some times.

This month would have been our 3 year anniversary. My camera broke...that feels like someone took a limb of mine. After a little week of flirtatious banter with an old flame, I watched said flame make-out with another woman. I’ve been blown off 6 times this month, 4 times by the same man. One day I’ll just walk away, I fear. And this… this is actually what has been consuming my mind lately. I’ve benched myself while working out a tough decision. This bench is getting cold and still, I cannot figure out what to do.

My maternal instincts are kicking in and I don’t want to see her heartbroken. But I also don’t think I can deal with mine being broken again either. So, if I stay, whose best interest am I serving? If I go… same question.

{Rubs hands together} Bring on October!

  The Beatles - Octopus' Garden

Think of our mistakes as souvenirs.

[via TypeWriterBlues]

All these skeletons coming out of my closet and its not even Halloween yet.

The Gentleman recently suggested I like holding onto old skeletons. It knocked something loose and I can’t stop thinking about these circles I seem to keep moving in between. I’ve never done much of a background on any of the names I keep dropping, so I’m taking the opportunity to not only give you the 411 on the men who’ve been keeping my senses engaged this past year, but to hopefully clarify the role each plays and why they are so important in my life.

The Candy Man: Part 1

I’m starting with the Candy Man because he just came back from a short hiatus. We met up Friday for an impromptu catch-up. I really didn’t expect to ever hear from him again, let alone see him again. Our meet up consisted of dinner at a diner by his house and a scary movie. At dinner we talked about the various things we’ve done over the last few months; people we’ve met and dated. He seems to be nursing a minor wound from the last one.

He asked me via text a couple weeks ago if I found him to be needy and controlling. Needy? No, I replied laughing. The polar opposite… at least with me. I felt like I had to force him to see me sometimes… or that I was getting in the way, at the very least. Not a good feeling. He is one of the most ambiguous men I’ve ever met. He is also an incredibly social person and given the position I was in last summer, I couldn’t understand where he was coming from. I answered him honestly during that phone conversation and told him I found him to be evasive, aloof and emotionally unavailable. He took it with the best of spirits and we continued our phone conversation.

Turnabout’s fair play and I love constructive criticism. Twice I’ve been left wondering what the hell was going on and where he’d run off to. Okay, once... was my certainly my fault. I’ll step up to the plate for that one. Creating a fake person to spy on someone is not the best way to encourage a budding “relationship.” He said he didn’t have enough time during the phone call to explain it. We said our goodbyes and I hung up shaking my head.

I sat on the question because I wanted to see his response. I can read people better than I can do just about anything. I spent my childhood from the sidelines perfecting this. He squirmed in his seat and played with his food while trying to answer. I couldn’t help but smile and miss him a little more watching this. You see, I will admit we were awkward the second time. Queen of Bad Timing stumbled upon the King. I was dealing with Carl, Flannigan and Naxx when he popped back up.

To this day I don’t know that I could pick one over the other. Each holds a different key and has traits and ideals that are highly attractive to me.

Carl held my complete trust. Never have I been as confident and comfortable around another man. He was also one of my best friends, was amazing with my daughter and treated me like heaven. He was also the most emotionally stable man I have ever been with.

Flannigan held the key to my family unit. He was amazing with my daughter, intelligent, motivated, eloquent, and emotionally intense. I hope he will always be one of my best friends.

Naxx is the only man I have met that was completely 100% honest with me. He had an amazing ability to analyze, evaluate and express his needs and desires… about anything. He was also sexually explorative and elaborative and I loved the challenge.

Candy Man is certainly the only man alive who completely understands my sense of humor. He’s incredibly motivated and industrious. He has a huge heart that so many miss given his sense of humor and his barriers. I would go so far as to say he is the male version of me… and seeing him after this most recent break, I am able to understand where he’s coming a lot better.

Wow. /rant

Most of that was unnecessary, but the point is he makes me nervous. In both and good bad ways. His answer to my question “what was so wrong with me” was “nothing”. He went on to explain that he tends to choose the women he feels need to be fixed and that he knows will fail and that wasn’t how he saw me. He also said he wasn’t sure what I had wanted out of the last time, but he got the impression I wanted more and he implied that scared him. I couldn’t give him an answer, because I couldn’t tell you now what I wanted then.

My first instinct was to call bullshit. But let’s pretend that is the honest truth… then I was right and he is emotionally unavailable… which means I am most likely setting myself up for failure again? Which, perfectly explains why I am so attracted to this man. Let’s say he is full of it and was just too sensitive to be honest with me. Well, why’s he back again?

Oh, Emily. {Sighs}

Curiosity often leads to trouble.

PISCES: February 19 - March 20th

You thought you knew what was going on, but as it happens, you're just as confused as ever! It's a good day for you to assume nothing and start over, even with the thorniest of problems.

"Learn to pick your battles."

I can't tell you how many times I've heard that in my lifetime. I had an ex who loved to tell me that and I hated it, because I kept thinking, why do I have to pick? If it's something I feel sincerely upset about shouldn't I be able to discuss that? So, it was especially awesome when I was driving home on this rainy Sunday morning and realized... I need to learn to pick my battles.

Is there a speedy coarse that one can take on learning the ability to keep her mouth shut and her fingers still? Sometimes, I just get myself so worked up over the simplest things and inevitably do something I regret later. Believe it or not, I am getting better about this. Much much better...

It's Like Picking Up Trash In Dresses.

27 years old... and I'm pretty sure I've always been a pain in the ass. I've been described as restless, an elitist, snob, high maintenance, loud, opinionated, sarcastic and my new favorite - manipulative. Yep... that sounds like a pain in the ass to me. I never really know what is going to come out of my mouth; who it will offend or where it will take me next.

I don't denounce any of those descriptions, really - I'm fully aware of my shortcomings, more than most realize. Some people have an overwhelming ability to bring these characteristics out stronger than others. Those are a dime a dozen. What I'd never met was someone who accepted all those, encouraged my intensity - literally and could weather the storm... or handle me, as my dearest friend exclaimed tonight.

I'm restless. I know that. I can't sit still for long. I have a million things running through my head. Right now, I'm rewinding an earlier conversation; making a mental list of all the things I need to do at work and home: look up airline tickets and call my step-mother...which reminds me of our last conversation and I want to cry, but then I remember where I am; there's an image of a pen making circles and I imagine myself on top of that pen -I can almost feel it... around and around and around. All of this now, with my headphones on…nano at maximum volume. Sometimes I pretend I can literally drown out the noise in my head. It works - momentarily.

Music has always been my white noise. It is personal for me... I need it in my life. I will repeat the same song over and over [I recently killed one song: 627 plays in 3 days]. I like the monotony. No matter what else is going on around me or what is playing out in my head, there is one constant.

There are some songs that I hang on and their every note drips true for my feelings, situation, beliefs... a self imposed theme song. Right now I’m holding onto A Beautiful Mess, by Jason Mraz. Not in the same way though… this is not a theme song, but a personal dedication.

Explanation? I didn't dream of my wedding when I was a little girl like all my friends. - I was too practical for that. I didn't think I would get married nor did I want to. I didn't care for relationships, really - I didn't date a lot and I didn't dream of what my "prince" would look like - I don't care [one thing I am not is superficial]. What I did envision was a daughter, blond... and myself - nothing else... no one else. I know how hard I am to hold... to manage... to thrive around.

Still, at my core, I am a romantic - and will be until the day I die. I want to be swept off my feet - breath caught in my throat.. perhaps because at this point I see it as more of a challenge and I love a good one. This song gives birth to those butterflies and evokes the mystery and wonder of the fairy tales from my youth. Given the ability to sketch my screenplay of Life, this would have been penciled in for my Prince Charming. I had often wondered if I would meet someone unaffected and strong enough to deal with the mess that I am... and I sit here, biting my lower lip in anticipation, knowing I may very well have just met my match.

Peace out,
Jerkface.