project_girl: chaos and calm

2 months have passed and I'm beginning to grow antsy in anticipation. Anticipation of starting over, again... growing up... finding myself... and selfishly, having my daughter all to myself. Some days I come home and literally pace the length of the apartment. This ending/beginning is bittersweet.

Addi wasn't feeling well tonight and sat on the couch next to me, curled up with her baby, on the verge of sleep. She rarely sits still and even more rare is her desire to cuddle - a fairly obvious distinction between her and I. She rested her head on me and smiled sweetly as I ran my hands through her hair and along her face, trying to soothe her. I, too, love that feeling... the light caress from your forehead to your jawbone; true and unprovoked affection - that's what I've always equated that to, I guess.

Sometimes when I think of where I am right now with my life, I am filled with a nearly uncontrollable fear and sadness for Addi. I remember as a child sitting in a corner, knees drawn up to my chin, swearing to myself that I would not travel the road my parents did. The emotional struggles, the financial struggles... too wearing... too influential on such young hearts. Is where I am all that different?

She is such a strong and beautiful child. She has an enviable spark for life and the most contagious laugh. She is the best combination of each of us... so when I think about closing the door on this chapter and moving on, it's hard to not wonder what changes that will have on her. The influence J has had on her and the bond that has been created surpasses the complexities of DNA.

My sadness these days is filled with thoughts of how she will most likely never remember even half of what has transpired between them these past two years. I'm trying not to feel like I cheated her of something... that we cheated her of something.

I've always had a vision of myself raising a little girl alone. I remember talking to my sister about it when I was younger. Perhaps, even at the tender age of 13 I knew that my intensity was going to get the better of me. For the most part, I look upon our future with a smile.

I spent a few hours in Bed, Bath and Beyond this past weekend with J and browsed random items making mental notes of all the things I need. There were times when the reality and pain of what was happening would sink in and I would have to wander away so my tears wouldn't be visible. [I bet you didn't catch that...]

Remarkably, though... I have been unbelievably calm for the better part of a month. My mind silent. Nothing really left to overanalyze... just a few lingering sadnesses. I typically prefer the quick-motion Band-Aid removal, rather than the taunting millimeter-by-cruel-millimeter torture, but I am thankful for the patience and willingness extended by J to remove all the layers... and even once the cuts started to scab, scratch them off again. That opportunity took all the drama out of my head and allowed me to focus on the important things without becoming buried in the pain.

So, perhaps you understand a little more when I say I am growing antsy in anticipation... anticipation of starting over, again... I eagerly await the laughs to come, my friend.