Trust... ugh...that word stirs butterflies in my stomach.Trust is something that I have a hard time with... but only in my more intimate relationships. Its never been an issue with my friends... sometimes with family, but not really. Just the men I've been chosen to love.
How do you build it and why does it take so little to lose? More importantly, how do you rebuild it? That's the one I am struggling with now. A friend recently concluded that my trust and commitment issues existed because I "don't like to feel vulnerable." Which, I don't. Do you? I can't imagine it's something anyone openly desires. It's so simple and obvious, yet there are a couple of things at play here...
1. No one I've ever been so intimately involved with has been able to find that balance between not offending me and talking openly with me about me... and
2. I didn't want to acknowledge a lot of things about myself [yay to growing up and getting over yourself]. I am a perfectionist. Some of you are gasping in mock horror now and you know what, I'm ok with that. But one of my more difficult issues to swallow is the feeling of inferiority. And admitting that something like that is a problem with me made me feel like a failure.
I've gone through emails, phones, mail, various online accounts, personal notebooks... set-up a fake identity... all in search of what I thought was foul play. Sometimes I found what I thought I was looking for... but now, I look back and wonder if perhaps I just took it out of context because I wanted there to be something. Anything taken out of context can mean something, right?
Everyone has their own ways of dealing with past situations and relationships. I am an all out open person. Nothing is off limits... personally or professionally. When you're in a relationship with someone not as open, how do you keep from going insane? How do you keep trusting... not knowing everything... not understanding everything... especially when you've been burned before?
If you only choose to comment on one of my posts, choose this one! Let there be more candor!
In slightly unrelated news, Chili's Loaded Potatoes are 10 times better 2 days later!
[moody.music] Eisley - Brightly Wound
2 comments:
If you can learn to rebuild it, please let the masses know because that is the $64,000 question. I bet this friend that told you you don't like to be vulnerable isn't good with it himself. I bet he has a hard time trusting others as well, but I bet he is willing to try because though he may have been burned as well I'm sure he doesn't ever want to give up on living and dreaming and finding.
Everyone has trust issues, some just don't admit it. I had a huge issue with it while B was in college and I was 3 hours away working every day. I didn't know what he was doing and it drove me crazy. I was a little psycho, but ya know what? It worked itself out, I grew up and learned that you really can't take everything at face value. Sometimes things are not as simple as they seem, but sometimes they are.
It's not going to be easy getting the swing of this trust thing, it took me 3 years and it sucked every step of the way. In the end, I'm grateful I had to go through it b/c now I know what that word really means. Sometimes you have to rock out to George Michael and just have a little "Faith" ;)
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