What's in store for me in the direction I don't take?

    Is it possible to go back? I mean, say you have the choice to step back into a life that once was... can it ever really work? I've been stuck on that Elton John song, Sacrifice, for a while now. Each time I sit down and try to figure out why, I pause... too long. Is it that I don't want to face something or is that I already know and am too afraid of the answer? Either way its avoidance.

    I miss a lot of things that were... people that were. I have tried and will continue to try to make amends to those that I have hurt, but there is only one thing I can sit here and say I regret right now... I regret how J and I ended. I regret the way I treated him, the expectations I had, the disrespect I showed... the sacrifices we both had to make. Its true that we don't know what we had until its gone... but I've also seen that we don't know what we're missing until it arrives. I've grown a lot these last few months... experienced things and met people that I'm not sure I'm ready to give up. But what if this break was all we needed?

    I was cleaning out the drafts in my blogger last night, and came across the following post. This was written in early September.

    It is what it is… and we created it.
    I have to go. The time to move on has passed. I need to leave for you, me and Addi. We both know that in a few weeks time, just as we have begun to find a comfort in each other again, the pain and frustration will surface once more and we will have nothing more than angry questions left to hold on to. I hate seeing the frustration and anger in your eyes, not knowing you and feeling like I have nothing to say to you. I hope one day soon, very soon, I will find my friend again... and perhaps you can rediscover that girl that made you feel at peace once. For now, our time is done and I've worn out my welcome in your world. My desire to start over is quickly outweighing my desire to keep you in my life. I need to go before it wins.

    I'm not sure what's more alarming - that I had been pushed to the point of breaking so many times by a man I loved so much...yet kept standing there, or that I'm not angry over the situation anymore? Somethings still hurt but I am learning that just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.

    So, what does this all mean? Where am I going and what do I want? Other than a little space... I don't know. What I don't want is one more regret... one more what if. I am feeling a little vulnerable right now and that makes me nervous, but I awake each morning with a smile in my heart and a family of butterflies in my stomach... so I must be doing something right.

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