What ever you say, Rhode Island.

I swear I've a little 16 year old cheerleader trapped inside me...
and all she wants to do is dance, dance dance.
But I also kind of giggle to myself every time I hear a Flo Rida song. 
I think of the following conversation with Flannigan every time:

Flannigan: I'm cool like 'dat yo.

Me: Oh, ok Flo Rida.

Flannigan: Yeah, what ever you say, Rhode Island.

Me: Not Florida, freakshow... Flo Rida... he's a rapper. hahaha Never mind. 

Oh, good times.

 Flo Rida - Club Can't Handle Me

Dear Self, Remember This.

Today, Joshy and I, put on our proverbial Thanksgiving hat and celebrated one of the many things we're most thankful for:

My little Monkey.

 

Each year her daycare holds a feast for the parents and it is highly entertaining to see the children in their environment, interacting with their teachers and friends.

Telling one of her many "stories", no doubt. Yesterday, Addi told me how her teacher Ms. Katy went to Joshy's house and they were baking cookies.

I forgot to ask him about that.

I think she just did.

These two crack me up. Its awesome sometimes to just sit back and watch the little girl she's becoming. She can hold her own in just about any situation and if you're not laughing your ass off at the end of a conversation with her, there is genuinely something wrong with you.

"Knock. Knock..."
"Wanna see my party?"

Leaving shadows... heavy shadows.

[Disclaimer: This post has been laying around my apartment, in the form of random note sheets and various text messages, since the first week of August. My. My. My. What a slacker I have turned out to be. No real reason, other than lacking in time. So, please don’t read into that… and now… back to August 4, 2009.]

So, today I received a message from The Boy today telling me he’d quit social networking and was venturing out into the real world. Kudos. High five. Good for him.

We decided the best place for him was helping keep my friend bench warm. As I’ve told him before, I’m not sure what I’m looking for so I like this arrangement better... fewer expectations, assumptions and rules.

He then texted me to confess he never thought we would have worked out anyways. Ok. Now you have my attention. Was I about to get an honest confession or simply a response filled with insecurity and anger, like so many before?

Him: You seem fixated on raising your daughter alone and more power to you and just based on what I’ve read and talked to you about, you don’t seem to be ready to settle down and honestly if you’re happy that’s all that matters. Plus, I don’t really get some aspects of your life and I don’t make judgments but some of them make me uncomfortable. I realize J was there when Addi was born and I realize he helped raise her for a year. Just seems weird that he still watches and picks her up, etc. He’s not her real parent and I just wonder if in 3 years he has kids of his own and finds out he doesn’t have time for her, how it will adversely affect her.

{Scratches head} Uhm.

For starters, I don’t want to raise my daughter alone… but I’m not going to let just anyone help in this. You don’t get a do-over and I see the ways in which my childhood has left its scars and I wish someone had taken a little more care with that. In a way, yes, Boy, you are correct. Until I find someone I trust with all of me, daughter included, I will remain fixated on raising her alone… which also answers, why I do not seem ready to settle down.

It’s the J aspect I really want to discuss. I’d be over the moon with some input here, too, from the parents that have been here, are struggling with this too. Heck, even if you’re not and you’ve got something to contribute to this… do it. You will totally make my day. [How’s that for soliciting comments?]

J is not Addi’s father. He was my best friend and roommate when she was born. Her father and I were separated. Both were in the room the day she was born. The day after her birth, a much quieter and sincere version of J appeared in my hospital room, to tell me he wanted to help me… help me raise my daughter. And that he loved me. Gorgeous baby and the man of dreams in less than 24 hours? I don’t remember what I said, but I’m certain I muttered and spoke as eloquent as a chimp reading Spanish upside down.

That was it. For nearly two years, both her father and J walked and worked side by side with me taking care of Addison… sometimes picking up more than their share when I was overwhelmed and losing balance. To her, J was just as much a father as her own. I genuinely believe he loves her and would do just as much for her as he would his own.

When J and I broke up and I moved out, the first 2 months were brutal on both Addi and I. She often stood, forehead pressed against our glass door, looking for him. Asking where he was and even crying for him. Regardless of any differences that J and I have had, he maintains a relationship with Addison and doesn’t treat her any differently than he ever has. I believe we have all settled into a much more comfortable place with the roles we play in one another’s life and I greatly value the influence J is on Addison.

So, with the significantly condensed version of the relationship between them, how can I cut that? Why would I want to? How selfish that would be on my part to take that away from her. J still is a great friend of mine, and yes, for the 3 guys that made it past date 1, he was always a problem. I understand their concern and even understand the twinge of jealousy, but if we all have the same interests at heart; one being her happiness, it seems selfish and immature of them to not understand the need for that relationship to continue… its not about me and him… its about her and him.

Are there any parents that have been in this situation or something similar present? I would love advice, criticism…thoughts in general on this. Am I really being too idealistic here? Can we all co-exist peacefully?

[Footnote: The Boy’s honesty and integrity is amazing. I appreciate the angle from which he views things and for this reason, he will always be ranked high on my friend list.]

Touché, friend. Touché.

So... J is jokingly threatening retaliation of posting the above picture in response to my Amana post yesterday. Unfortunately, for him... I have no shame.

And... come on! As he said himself, it's by far, his best photographic work...  Hooters tee, tattoo, Carebear and sleepy times.

That's talent there, J. Pure talent. {pulls up knee socks and twirls away}

Hey you… your nostalgia’s showing.

It’s hard to believe how little I use my computer having cancelled my internet. I rarely have it on even for music. With my newest endeavors, which I will soon share, I am finding myself needing it more and more. I’m even considering playing nice with Comcast and turning my internet back on. Realizing that I may soon be joining the 21st century again, I’ve started organizing files and folders on my hard drive. Wow… I’ve got some picture uploading to do.

I stumbled upon this set taken April 11, 2009. J’s birthday. There really isn’t much of a story here, except I had been bothering him for 2 years to go to the Amana Colonies in Iowa with me and of all days he suggest, he chose his birthday.

J is one of very few people who truly appreciates my interest in packing up and moving out for a day. We’ve made a couple random day trips, and I’ve enjoyed all immensely. This one and the Agora trip, stick out the most in my mind, though. Perhaps it’s because it’s the newest, but I honestly feel it was the timing of the trip. The ease of pressure it lifted and the hope it restored. It was the first time I had my friend back in a long time.

We left around noon and headed east. He drove. We made a couple stops along the way; The World’s Largest Hillbilly Gathering… I mean, Truck Stop and in Utica for lunch. It took us over 4 hours to get there… mainly because we were taking our time. And for the first time in a long time… enjoying the company of one another.

Come on! How can you say no this? {giggles}

6 months later, I still don't get this plate.

To this day, one of my favorite videos of J!

We pulled into one of the Colonies and made our way to the brewery, where we learned the shops were all closing in 30 minutes. We laughed, grabbed our cups and headed outside. I never appreciated beer, let alone dark beer until I met J, so I was excited to experience theirs again. It was pretty awesome… and we were quickly on our way to “goofy”.

He is hilarious and so silly sometimes!

Once we finished there, we wandered up and down a couple streets. We furiously snapped pictures. Random buildings. Our goofy faces. Perhaps, it was simply to prove we were there… but I knew where we were, whether physically or emotionally, was a place we both were mostly likely never going to be at again together. We made our way back to the car and I drove us home. We were in Amana an hour at the most and in the car for nearly 9 that day.

As 2009 nears its end, I wanted to share with you a day I will cherish always. It astonishes me how even after all we have been through and the distance we have travelled from one another, how we can still manage to find our way back to center and look back laughing.

Jade and various other shades of green.

I’ve had a couple interesting conversations this past week with both Carl and Flannigan. We discussed several commonplace topics. And rehashed what still feels like open wounds.

Recalling these conversations now, I can’t help but wonder: does hindsight cloud our judgment? Is the sense of loss sometimes so great that when looking back, we instantly don rose tinted lenses and remember things better than they in fact were? Or is it that while looking back, after the embers have cooled, one can genuinely see the errors of their way and can at once experience genuine regret and loss?

All around me I see and hear about relationships quote end quote failing. I’ve been tossing around the idea that perhaps I bring that plague on them… but I digress. Point: Where are all these happy couples us single people are supposed to be jealous of? {Insert disconcerting look here}

Is it simply that they’ve all forgotten what its like to not have their partner/spouse/16 cats? Why do we hold those that we love to such incredibly impossible standards yet feign shock and awe when we’re let down?

Would things have been so different for me if someone had given me my advice? “This is your life. Right here. Right now. It doesn’t wait for you to get your shit together.” Poignant, huh? I’m going to stitch it on a pillow.

They’re all missing the moments now, by holding each other to these impossible beliefs and standards that the Nicholas Sparks’ and whomever wrote that dreadful Twilight series have placed in everyone’s heads.

Be blessed you have someone by your side, willing to put up with all the crazy that is you. They’re genuinely hard to find.

And… please take my advice, when you do find them, make sure they ‘feel’ it.

/rant {trips as she jumps off soapbox}

We might as well be strangers...

A long overdue conversation started last night. Part of me is a little embarassed that I said some of the things I did... spilled the proverbial beans, if you will. But at the end of the day, I think it was time. Perhaps, this will give greater understanding to why I approach him the way I do, why the sensitivities exist and at the end of this conversation, I hope we can walk away with a little deeper understanding of one another.

The following landed in my reader this morning... the cosmos are watching me and its about freaking time they stopped hating me.

PISCES: February 19 - March 20th

Today brings at least one new way of seeing your situation -- one that feels more balanced! It's a great day to start to feel normal again after a long period of wondering where you were headed.

"I'm in bed!"

Those words were heard in the most obscure of places today and they instantly sent me back in time. I'll never be able to hear that phrase, such a common phrase, without seeing him scramble across the room and pull the blankets tightly around him, laughing.

{sigh}

Think of our mistakes as souvenirs.

[via TypeWriterBlues]

It's not you… it is me.

He said to me, "do you know what I always got out having sex with you those last few months? It was the closest I could get to you without getting damaged."

There are no words to string together for a response to that. So, I sat and cried… and thinking about it now, that’s still the only response I can muster. I’m swallowing the largest piece of humble pie right now. I’m an incredibly stubborn woman. I’m an incredibly guarded woman. I’ve always known this about myself, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized I was actually hurting myself more by hiding behind these walls.

And right now…
"I feel like none of this is real. I pretend that my heart and my head are well but if the blood pumping through my veins could freeze like a river in Toronto, then I'd be pleased." - Camera Obscura: Forest and Sand

She's got a lot of issues... like a good magazine.

I woke up in an itty bitty funk this morning. Can we blame the rain? Lets blame the rain.

I go throughout my days just fine. I play with my daughter, laugh and joke with my friends, stalk people on the internet, watch my horoscopes and drink too much coffee. All is as it always is, but when I sit still and those fleeting moments when I'm not focusing on too many things find me, I realize my chest is tight, my breathing is shallow and I want to curl into a ball and hide under my covers until this passes. I have but one question... how long does this fucking last? I know that moving on is what is genuinely best for me and my sanity, but I don't seem to have enough sweaters to take this chill away.

This picture really has nothing to do with anything, but I still love it. It's the timing of it that attracts me most. That... and I look ridiculously thin. {giggles} This was taken December 2008. Peace time. Rediscovering me time. Coincidently, Carl time, too. First time I remember feeling genuinely happy in years.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy now, just walking a little slower up the hill than I was all those months ago. I know I am investing in certain activities as a distraction, because it shifts my focus. That's normal though, right? Patience is not a virtue I possess and I really, really want this feeling to evaporate.

Now, please.

Don't give me no lines... and keep your hands to yourself.

PISCES: February 19 - March 20th
A surprising turn of events midday or this evening throws you for a loop, but the emotional upheaval is almost certainly for the best. It's all part of something larger and positive.

I love when everything just falls into place and you can almost see the end. It reminds me of the marathons I ran oh so long ago... you're pretty certain you're going to die and then you see the flags marking the end of the race and there is some magical invisible force that propels yours ass a little further, a little faster.

I made Road Trip Man mad yesterday and for that I am truly sorry. I overreacted, as I often do. He only did what I ever asked of him... be honest. Which is far more than I can say for a lot of the men I have been involved with and somehow, I ended up giving him far less of a chance than the others. So, shame on me.

Drinks with Flannigan last night, turned into a reunion of sorts with my ex's. We were just missing Carl and the last four years of my life would have all been in the same room.

Anyway, today's horoscope cracked me up when I read it only moments after a discovery that I needed to finally move the fuck on. I'm sorry I had to swear... it was necessary.

Mix equal parts shock, irony and disgust for a yummy rant cake.

{photo credit:Howard Sokol}

I always listen to one station in the morning, B96. They crack me up... this morning's topic was the BBD, the Bigger Better Deal, and how people in relationships are always on the lookout for it. The majority of the callers were women confirming their desire to always have the BBD. Callers talking about being in healthy marriages always looking for the guy with a better job, a better looking guy, etc. I drove to work with my mouth agape. Is this really what is going on out there? Are people that selfish and conceited? What makes them think they are worthy of the BBD? What happened to the sanctity and sacredness of marriage? I love the quirks and flaws. That's called individuality and that's what is so great about each of us.

I dated a man once who collected pictures of his favorite female celebrities, all mainstream non-nude pictures, although there was the occasional brunette with large large (I'm talking 36G) boobs. The only similarity between me and these other women, besides our gender, was our hair color. I asked him once what the deal was... he said they were his ideal. I didn't understand that... but his words knocked my self-esteem on its ass. The message I took from that was I was good enough for now, but not what he was really looking for. Was he looking for his BBD? Damn him. That messes with our heads, boys!

I was getting pissed off listening to these people and their shallowness so I changed to the Drex show. His topic, should you marry for money? Callers were saying yes! One guy called in and had the nerve to say he was the one with the money so it gave him the right to look for the hottest woman. He then went on to explain how he had a hot girl, 20 years younger, who didn't really want anything sexually to do with him. Poetic justice, baby!

All I can think right now is W T F! When did we as a society become so shallow? So shallow we would toss aside a perfectly good relationship with a perfectly good person, because some brunette hottie in a sports car speeds past and blurs your vision or because you found a redhead with no boobs? Is one's physical appearance and checking account balance really more important than comfort, compatability or come on, people...trust? You choose lust... or passion? Don't get me started on that. Get over yourselves, people! Jeesh...

*Side note: As a newer member of the singles club, this morning's topics gave me a new dating scare. Please tell me I encountered a rare breed this morning and in my recent past. Please tell me this doesn't really happen in the real world.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Do I bite my tongue or bite through it?

I've felt the need to purge lately, emotionally and physically. Attractive on multiple levels, I know. I've come to the proverbial fork in the road.... which way do I go? I've just been doing u-turns for over a year… feels more like I came to a spoon in the road. That flutter you get in your stomach after roller-coaster rides... I have that... and I haven't been to the amusement park lately. How do you make it go away?

I fell prey to a lot of different emotions this weekend... regret, independence, insecurity, appreciation, anger... you get the idea. I've also been eating a lot of beef jerky and listening to Slipknot.

The Candy Man actually turned out to be a giant cavity inducer. Man Hands has taken my subtle, silent hints and appears to have actually lost my number just as I requested. Small miracles do happen. Barstow pops in from time to time... not really sure how to comment there. I don't think it's really necessary, to be honest.

I've had a couple of long conversations with Carl and what have I concluded about that? That was the last time I was happy, genuinely happy, in years. I'm happy to have gotten some of that back. Lots of happiness there...

I've talked to Naxx, nearly every day for the last 2 months. He's shined a bright light in many of the dark corners of my world and leaves me intrigued and inspired with each conversation. But that’s not the only thing he’s given me. He’s given me a sense of renewed hope… something I thought I’d completely lost.

I've been spending less time with Flannigan. It’s bittersweet, really. Time apart makes things easier and time together makes it harder. I’ve been searching for those defining moments and they are still eluding me. It's mostly confusing and upsetting, and often beautiful and … heart wrenching.

I've been talking to Calvin a lot more over the last month as well. Those conversations, oddly enough, leave me feeling nostalgic. His humor has brightened some gloomy mornings. He's the man of perfect timing.

And last, but far from least, Marty. So much humor and abstract wisdom in such a young man. His random bits of insight from afar are enlightening and make the bullshit easier to wade through.

Where does all of this leave me? What have I learned? And where in the world am I going? I’ve no idea…but I’m closing a chapter in a book I’ve struggled reading for a really long time now. I am blessed to have so many great friends and people watching out for me… and reminding me of one of my favorite lines….

“It’s never too late; you still have chances in your life. You’ll get up once again. You’ll laugh again. You’ll live again. And you’ll love again..."

Will this always be just under the surface?

Right now, I just need to take a deeper breath and not give in to this feeling. It's just because its past midnight, I'm tired and stressed, right? Time for sleep... before I say something I regret.

All that's overlooked...

I'm learning, too often the hard way, that it's mostly the little things that make the biggest difference and create the largest impact.

I Welcome The Friction

I guess some people get under our skin and just stay there... Flannigan always seems to be crawling under mine. This song came on the radio at the most appropriate time the other day. Every time I hear it, my spine tingles. Amazing that a song by an artist I loath could have such an effect at that moment.

What's in store for me in the direction I don't take?

Is it possible to go back? I mean, say you have the choice to step back into a life that once was... can it ever really work? I've been stuck on that Elton John song, Sacrifice, for a while now. Each time I sit down and try to figure out why, I pause... too long. Is it that I don't want to face something or is that I already know and am too afraid of the answer? Either way its avoidance.

I miss a lot of things that were... people that were. I have tried and will continue to try to make amends to those that I have hurt, but there is only one thing I can sit here and say I regret right now... I regret how J and I ended. I regret the way I treated him, the expectations I had, the disrespect I showed... the sacrifices we both had to make. Its true that we don't know what we had until its gone... but I've also seen that we don't know what we're missing until it arrives. I've grown a lot these last few months... experienced things and met people that I'm not sure I'm ready to give up. But what if this break was all we needed?

I was cleaning out the drafts in my blogger last night, and came across the following post. This was written in early September.

It is what it is… and we created it.
I have to go. The time to move on has passed. I need to leave for you, me and Addi. We both know that in a few weeks time, just as we have begun to find a comfort in each other again, the pain and frustration will surface once more and we will have nothing more than angry questions left to hold on to. I hate seeing the frustration and anger in your eyes, not knowing you and feeling like I have nothing to say to you. I hope one day soon, very soon, I will find my friend again... and perhaps you can rediscover that girl that made you feel at peace once. For now, our time is done and I've worn out my welcome in your world. My desire to start over is quickly outweighing my desire to keep you in my life. I need to go before it wins.

I'm not sure what's more alarming - that I had been pushed to the point of breaking so many times by a man I loved so much...yet kept standing there, or that I'm not angry over the situation anymore? Somethings still hurt but I am learning that just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.



So, what does this all mean? Where am I going and what do I want? Other than a little space... I don't know. What I don't want is one more regret... one more what if. I am feeling a little vulnerable right now and that makes me nervous, but I awake each morning with a smile in my heart and a family of butterflies in my stomach... so I must be doing something right.

The horizon is our finish line.

This song hit me upside the head today.
My chi is wacked and my nano knows it.

John Legend - Ordinary People

Now's the chance to sing the things you could never say.

For some reason, I find I am spending more time frustrated than not... and I shouldn't. Now is the season of butterflies. Every time I try to figure out what it is, I come back to the same destination... I think it's Flannigan. I know that means nothing to you. That's the point. Flannigan embodies everything I thought I wanted. Sometimes, I still wonder. Am I working towards that same goal now? I don't know. I thought I was... in a different way, but the grass is always greener on the other side... that's what they say, right?

I will admit I am to some extent, high maintenance. Yes, I dare to put that in writing... I am sure it will haunt me later. The point is, somewhere, Flannigan changed. I did not. I still want the same things... and I deserve the best of those. We all do. Is it that the desire and motivation is gone or can I just not see it? I do need to get my eyes checked... maybe I've just lost focus.