I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

    I have all these things rolling around in my head… lots to say, I just don't know how really. Last night while texting with The Gentleman, truly one of the last nice guys left, he asked me the following question, have you ever received flowers on a Tuesday just because he thought of you?

    I rolled my eyes, shook my head and emphatically and dramatically responded no. The question hasn't left my mind though. It’s not the action of receiving flowers that’s stuck in my head; it’s the principal that leads to the question "Do you think of me when I'm not there?" This question has come up so many times in my past relationships. I've realized two things as a result of that text and my conversations with him. First, I’m tired of feeling insecure in my relationships and second, no more settling. I find it ironically funny that I have chosen to settle in my intimate relationships when I don't in any other aspect of my life.

    My friends joke along with me about the random men that I date and interact with… one wise man recently remarked on how full my dance card seemed… I seem to be developing quite the reputation with the boys. Truth is… if you must know… I don’t trust them.

    None of my dating adventures last past three months. I typically cut the cord in some way by then. Either I stop calling, push away or find some “fatal” flaw… Boys turn into children, the gamers stop playing by the rules, and the overly sweet ones eventually give you a cavity. Just ask me, I’ve a reason for each. It’s not even a conscience thing. I’ve a wall no one has been able to penetrate, as of yet.

    I will admit I hide behind my obnoxious exterior…often. I’ve reclaimed my independence in a much fiercer manor…plus it’s easier to not get hurt when you’re the one doing the poking.

    I know why this wall was created. I can even pinpoint the exact moment I first heard the crack in the universe. The thing I can’t figure out is how to tear down this wall. Isn’t it a little idealistic to think there’s someone out there eagerly waiting to do that for me?

    Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery, right? Or does that only work in AA meetings. Regardless… what now?

    1 comment:

    Martini Mom said...

    I used to be here. I wish I could give some practical tips to taking down your own wall, but the truth is, I just woke up one day and thought, "Enough."

    Like you, I can pinpoint the things that built up that wall in the first place. Mine was tall and thick and wide, and kept friends and family out, as well as potential suitors.

    It's strange, because in every other aspect of my life, I'm pretty fearless. I think that was part of the epiphany: realizing that I am a brave and courageous woman; strong to my core. I could face anything, so why not this. Where once my walls had made me feel strong and invincible, now they only made me feel cowardly.

    I'm not all the way there yet. In one ballsy cliff jump, I opened up to my man. But I still have trouble doing so with my friends.

    One day at a time, I guess. I try to push myself a little further out of my comfort zone every day. Maybe someday I'll get there.

    I hope the same for you.


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