Fingers crossed... my time is coming now.

Is it possible that I have run out of things to complain about? Or have I simply entered into an adult state of emotional maturity and have simply channeled that frustration elsewhere? My online presence has diminished the last few months. My blog has turned tail and become more of a photolog. My twitter followers keep following and growing, even, despite my truancy and lack of brilliance.

Whatever the reason you are still here, I appreciate your presence... truly I do. When I receive your comments and virtual nods of approval, I can't help but feel like a big deal at that moment. I live for inspiring moments and creative souls and through this circle of single parents huddled in our proverbial support circle, not only have I found my legs again, but I feel... is it... yes. My wings. There are so many things that I have wanted to do and for whatever reason, be it time, knowledge or resources, never took the plunge. I would tell you what I have been working on, but well... its uber top secret and will only be spilled if enough of you riot and force me out of my silence.

{slaps knee} I kill myself sometimes.
Oh, but seriously folks. {wipes a tear}

I did finally pick up that paint brush this weekend , despite the flurry of excitement with Flannigan yesterday. I'm waiting for it to dry right now before I can move on to the next object... but I'm stoked just by its mere presence in my life right now. Knowing it's started has put a skip in my step. I'll share pictures when I'm a little farther along. For now though, I thought I would fill my silence with some of my favorite internet places. I had so much fun sharing some of the sites I window shop with my dear friend, The Gentleman, that I thought I would share with you too.

So, world... welcome to my Sunday Show & Tell. {giggles}

Reminds me of something I might say.

Dear Sewing Machine. I miss you.

Mirror. Yellow room. Stenciling... Happiness.

Inspirational and moving.

This is exactly what I've been missing...

Awesome project organization idea.

Words I'm loving and living:
“For believe me: the secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and greatest enjoyment is - to live dangerously.”- Friedrich Nietzsche

Overplayed album of the weekend:

Lykke Li - Youth Novels

Her song Time Flies is my favorite at the moment. She offers the unique ability to relate such raw honesty.  I love the contrast in emotions between the lyrics and her voice. Building confidence and positive energy coupled with insecurity and vulnerability. She's brilliant. {swoon}

Lykke Li - Time Flies

Earning my stripes.

I continue to give props to my friend The Gentleman who once suggested I like holding onto old skeltons. This one statement of his started a revolution within me. His rare honesty, willingness to pull back the layers and the humility to look past the fight... make my knees weak and inspire me often to change my mindset. I'm pretty sure he was born riding a white horse.

I’ve often been called an elitist, heck… I think I’ve even described my actions that way. Some even tell me initially they were intimidated by me and found me stuck up. Truth is I really am none of those things. I just tend to keep to myself if you’re not amusing or intriguing me. Ok… I am a bit of an elitist. Point is this behavior of mine tends to give me a lot of thinking time. Often people scare me because I will be so deep in thought, or rather, conversation with myself, I don’t even notice them in front of me.

Lately, I’ve been rolling around a couple conversations I’ve had with Carl. Each one he’s basically said the same thing; I broke his heart and he never felt I was “in it” with him. For the longest time, I’ve been beating myself up about the way we came to be who we are to one another today… mere acquaintances. During my latest conversation with myself I had an epiphany… I need to get these thoughts out of my head and continue cleaning those skeletons out of my closet. Bear with me here…

Dear Carl,

I am posting this letter to you here because you’ve pulled the plug on our friendship... yet again and I also know you no longer come here.

[World, welcome to my passive-aggressive moment.]

You were caught breaking your own rules and with this new decision of yours I’ve had to fight the urge to tell you just how hypocritical and immature your actions were. Truth is, I would never tell you this, because regardless of everything, I meant all I said. You’ve sat by and let me beat myself up over things I did for the best interest of my daughter and myself, yet until 3 weeks ago, you were enjoying your cake and eating it, too. Lunches with the ex and dinners with the new girl. Rock on, playa. Honestly, I hold no grudges, though.

I missed you… missed us and was willing to deal with the consequences of my actions, because it still gave me a little more time with you. I still have the emails, a random voice mail, Uncle Daryl, the memories were we seem so real I would swear I could touch us. Remember, the freezing cold walk we took to the grocery store for root beer floats and when we got home, cuddled under the blankets to get warm and fell asleep forgetting all about the ice cream? Or the time we missed the train four times in one morning. I just finished the last of the lotion left over from our stay at the Westin and I still get the email alerts every time your favorite local band is playing.

The reason all of this bothers me so, is each time I talked to you about the dissolution of us, you lead me to believe I broke your heart. You cried. You begged. You told me how angry and of the mess you became because of it. Swore I was one of two girls you said those three little words too… the other being your ex wife. Yet, within two weeks of our parting, you had another girlfriend… not just dates… a girlfriend. And then you finally came clean about that old flame. And that’s ok… I already knew about her.

At our lunches, we would sit and talk about where we are now, what we’re doing and how we maintain our sanity. You would always ask “are you seeing anyone?” To which I mostly replied “no”. You would then say the thing that irritates me the most… “Well… someday you’ll find some guy who will appreciate you and then you’ll be happy”.

And I realize all over again, you still don’t get it and you probably never will. Your tone alleged that you felt sorry for me. There’s no reason for that. I am happy. Now. Right now. I don’t need someone else to define me… in a way I guess I needed to prove that to myself. I cared about where we talked about going too much to destroy it the way I’d done in the past. I needed to heal and work that out of myself before I could move on to an “us”. And if I rip off all the layers, you are a large part of why I stepped outside the circle of new boys, too.

For someone you found it so easy to say ‘I love you’ to, it was even easier to replace me. During our lunches, I would look at you and often wonder if you were happy… truly happy. You wouldn’t look me in the eye very long, but your eyes never seemed to sparkle the same… maybe they do when you look at her. I guess now, I’ll never have to worry about finding the courage to ask you.

My best… always,

Jerkface.

Creative orgasm's you say? {blushes}

I find inspiration in the oddest of places sometimes – I guess that’s the point though, right? Always be watching and looking for the extraordinary, everyday occurrences with potential to change your soul? Eh, well that’s how I live, anyway. Pro and con of my personality.

The other night The Gentleman snuck in and nuzzled his way past the surface and tried, once again, to pry at my edges. One day this man and I will sit and have a proper conversation. [If you’re reading this: I’ll bring the coffee, you bring the Sinatra]

Anyhoo, between him and my other muse, whom I can’t even tell you how we came to “know” one another (she’s in Ireland, I believe) I’ve decided to branch out – stop the constant collecting of ideas and make something freaking happen! I’ve talked about doing something creative for too long now and these two have pushed me over the edge.

I’m working on Addi’s birthday party invitations right now… something lighthearted and simple I felt was the perfect place to start.

One small step for Nikki...one more small step for Nikki…

Great. Now I am quoting Space Chimps. This can’t be good for my health.

I'd like to walk around with your mind for a while.

Last night I watched "Me and You and Everyone We Know" and I highly recommend you watch it. These lines from the movie pretty much sum up everything I'm created of, believe in and hope for.

"I don't want to have to do this living. I just walk around. I want to be swept off my feet, you know? I want my children to have magical powers. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it." - [Richard Swersey played by John Hawkes]

I have an intense desire to be surrounded by things and people that inspire me and I've discovered this new place where colors are more intense and conversations more meaningful. Its amazing the things you miss in life when you are so worried about what the outcome will be, who its benefiting and you're not just enjoying the mere presence of whatever that moment is in your life.

I have lots of things swirling in my head right now; conversations, emotions, revelations... but a friend, whose opinion is gaining more and more weight, shared a dream of his... where all his friends live on the same street.. a real butchers shop, a coffee shop playing Sinatra all the time and an eccentric neighborhood bakery. I think The Gentleman is on to something... and I'm off to spend my Friday night riding the inspirational wave he's left me with.

Moody Music: Trashcan Sinatras - How Can I Apply

Where was I? Right... cavities and skeletons.

The Gentleman recently suggested I like holding onto old skeletons. It knocked something loose and I can’t stop thinking about these circles I seem to keep moving in between. I’ve never done much of a background on any of the names I keep dropping, so I’m taking the opportunity to not only give you the 411 on the men who’ve been keeping my senses engaged this past year, but to hopefully clarify the role each plays and why they are so important in my life.

The Candy Man: Part 2

I met The Candy Man via MySpace last year exactly a week after another crack in my universe appeared. He was awesome and helped me through so much… and not just as a distraction. We actually talked… well, mostly I talked and he listened, but he always inserted the right advice and support exactly when I needed it. He’d been through a similarly emotionally devastating break-up only a few months before and our conversations served as therapy for both of us it seemed. We talked for hours on the phone those first weeks. We didn’t see each other often because of schedules and my living situation at the time.

The first time I met him he picked me up at my office and took me downtown. I was so nervous I didn’t say anything for the first thirty minutes. We walked around Lakeview, his old neighborhood, laughing and strolling through a few of his favorite shops. We ate at a French restaurant, drank white wine, I walked barefoot to his favorite bar in Chicago and then he took me home. That night will always rank high in my favorites of nights.

The next time I saw him, we went to the drive-in and while sitting in the back of his Tahoe he asked if he could put his arm around me. He stayed the night with me in Chicago once, shared a bed with me and never left his side of the bed… even after a pretty heavy make out session. He holds doors, listens to R Kelly, watches Scooby Doo, drinks Capri Sun, likes antique stores and owns his own business. He still runs in the same circle of friends from elementary school and he takes care of his family every chance he gets.

He is a trip and to this day one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. He makes me laugh like no one I’ve ever met before and deep down, under the funny hardass persona he presents, he’s got a great heart and is one of the sweetest men you’ll ever meet.

I didn’t get to see much of that the last time we were together. We were both different…distracted. A few of my friends have met him, but haven’t been able to spend the time getting to know him. It’s too bad really. I missed this man… the way he bounces on his heels when he’s nervous, the sparkle in his eye when he’s laughing, the goofy grin he used to get when he’d see me. The way he always tells me he hears Jason Mraz and can’t help but think of me, his incredibly abnormal and all too familiar sense of humor… our numerous inside jokes.

Regardless of what has or hasn’t happened, I’ve no ill feelings towards him. I’m happy we’re talking again and I’m looking forward to getting to know him again, without all the expectations, the distractions and obstacles.

I’m also glad I can listen to this song again and not feel like something is missing. Jason Mraz’s I’m Yours will always remind me of good times with The Candy Man.

All these skeletons coming out of my closet and its not even Halloween yet.

The Gentleman recently suggested I like holding onto old skeletons. It knocked something loose and I can’t stop thinking about these circles I seem to keep moving in between. I’ve never done much of a background on any of the names I keep dropping, so I’m taking the opportunity to not only give you the 411 on the men who’ve been keeping my senses engaged this past year, but to hopefully clarify the role each plays and why they are so important in my life.

The Candy Man: Part 1

I’m starting with the Candy Man because he just came back from a short hiatus. We met up Friday for an impromptu catch-up. I really didn’t expect to ever hear from him again, let alone see him again. Our meet up consisted of dinner at a diner by his house and a scary movie. At dinner we talked about the various things we’ve done over the last few months; people we’ve met and dated. He seems to be nursing a minor wound from the last one.

He asked me via text a couple weeks ago if I found him to be needy and controlling. Needy? No, I replied laughing. The polar opposite… at least with me. I felt like I had to force him to see me sometimes… or that I was getting in the way, at the very least. Not a good feeling. He is one of the most ambiguous men I’ve ever met. He is also an incredibly social person and given the position I was in last summer, I couldn’t understand where he was coming from. I answered him honestly during that phone conversation and told him I found him to be evasive, aloof and emotionally unavailable. He took it with the best of spirits and we continued our phone conversation.

Turnabout’s fair play and I love constructive criticism. Twice I’ve been left wondering what the hell was going on and where he’d run off to. Okay, once... was my certainly my fault. I’ll step up to the plate for that one. Creating a fake person to spy on someone is not the best way to encourage a budding “relationship.” He said he didn’t have enough time during the phone call to explain it. We said our goodbyes and I hung up shaking my head.

I sat on the question because I wanted to see his response. I can read people better than I can do just about anything. I spent my childhood from the sidelines perfecting this. He squirmed in his seat and played with his food while trying to answer. I couldn’t help but smile and miss him a little more watching this. You see, I will admit we were awkward the second time. Queen of Bad Timing stumbled upon the King. I was dealing with Carl, Flannigan and Naxx when he popped back up.

To this day I don’t know that I could pick one over the other. Each holds a different key and has traits and ideals that are highly attractive to me.

Carl held my complete trust. Never have I been as confident and comfortable around another man. He was also one of my best friends, was amazing with my daughter and treated me like heaven. He was also the most emotionally stable man I have ever been with.

Flannigan held the key to my family unit. He was amazing with my daughter, intelligent, motivated, eloquent, and emotionally intense. I hope he will always be one of my best friends.

Naxx is the only man I have met that was completely 100% honest with me. He had an amazing ability to analyze, evaluate and express his needs and desires… about anything. He was also sexually explorative and elaborative and I loved the challenge.

Candy Man is certainly the only man alive who completely understands my sense of humor. He’s incredibly motivated and industrious. He has a huge heart that so many miss given his sense of humor and his barriers. I would go so far as to say he is the male version of me… and seeing him after this most recent break, I am able to understand where he’s coming a lot better.

Wow. /rant

Most of that was unnecessary, but the point is he makes me nervous. In both and good bad ways. His answer to my question “what was so wrong with me” was “nothing”. He went on to explain that he tends to choose the women he feels need to be fixed and that he knows will fail and that wasn’t how he saw me. He also said he wasn’t sure what I had wanted out of the last time, but he got the impression I wanted more and he implied that scared him. I couldn’t give him an answer, because I couldn’t tell you now what I wanted then.

My first instinct was to call bullshit. But let’s pretend that is the honest truth… then I was right and he is emotionally unavailable… which means I am most likely setting myself up for failure again? Which, perfectly explains why I am so attracted to this man. Let’s say he is full of it and was just too sensitive to be honest with me. Well, why’s he back again?

I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

I have all these things rolling around in my head… lots to say, I just don't know how really. Last night while texting with The Gentleman, truly one of the last nice guys left, he asked me the following question, have you ever received flowers on a Tuesday just because he thought of you?

I rolled my eyes, shook my head and emphatically and dramatically responded no. The question hasn't left my mind though. It’s not the action of receiving flowers that’s stuck in my head; it’s the principal that leads to the question "Do you think of me when I'm not there?" This question has come up so many times in my past relationships. I've realized two things as a result of that text and my conversations with him. First, I’m tired of feeling insecure in my relationships and second, no more settling. I find it ironically funny that I have chosen to settle in my intimate relationships when I don't in any other aspect of my life.

My friends joke along with me about the random men that I date and interact with… one wise man recently remarked on how full my dance card seemed… I seem to be developing quite the reputation with the boys. Truth is… if you must know… I don’t trust them.

None of my dating adventures last past three months. I typically cut the cord in some way by then. Either I stop calling, push away or find some “fatal” flaw… Boys turn into children, the gamers stop playing by the rules, and the overly sweet ones eventually give you a cavity. Just ask me, I’ve a reason for each. It’s not even a conscience thing. I’ve a wall no one has been able to penetrate, as of yet.

I will admit I hide behind my obnoxious exterior…often. I’ve reclaimed my independence in a much fiercer manor…plus it’s easier to not get hurt when you’re the one doing the poking.

I know why this wall was created. I can even pinpoint the exact moment I first heard the crack in the universe. The thing I can’t figure out is how to tear down this wall. Isn’t it a little idealistic to think there’s someone out there eagerly waiting to do that for me?

Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery, right? Or does that only work in AA meetings. Regardless… what now?