I struggle with whether or not to keep this blog. It really is the silliest thing, but to me it's still very personal. Not only is it a quick, albeit incredibly narcissistic, way for me to blow off a little steam without really hurting anyone, giving me the opportunity of working out my demons and getting the little buggers out of my head... but it's all about me... insight into why I am "this girl... or that girl", it's about my accomplishments, my embarrassments my hurts, losses... growths. The string of characters that surface in these posts have shaped me in ways I wouldn't have imagined and continue to do so. Certainly more than just a handful of moments of my adult life. So, how do you erase that?
My scars run deep. I know that and am aware of the damage they can inflict on other people. It's taken me years to come to terms with the relationship I had with my step-father... and the relationship I didn't have with my mother. I was an adult by the time I met my father and the person I thought I was suddenly ceased to exist.
I have loved... and loved hard... as is the Pisces custom. I have shed more tears than a proud woman like me cares to admit. But regardless, of my efforts, I always seemed to be caught up in a whirlwind of bad timing, insecurities and god-damn-its. This past year I broke something deep within me and have been struggling with the inborn desire to recoil and do as is custom and just be the "norm."
I quit my job. The job that was killing me and making me feel small. The job that was keeping me from my goals and stealing too much time from my children. I left the relationship that had turned on me. The relationship that brought out the ugliest side of me... the one I didn't even realize existed. The relationship that stole the last bit of my trust and filled a warehouse full of baggage... and I spent the summer finding myself.
I found myself trying new things, meeting new people... making amends with ghosts and lost loves from my past and realizing that all my dreams can come true... if I decide that's what I want. I found the courage to cut the painful bits and stand up to things in my life that were stealing too much of my time and sucking up my energy... and I haven't looked back in regret. I found myself. Completely free and without hesitation.
So, you see, this little blog of mine is tough to find a place for actively these days. Are there moments when I want to escape and rattle off some dramatic moment I am reminiscing over or an idea I am dwelling too much on? Hell yeah. Are there times when realizing my dreams feels completely overwhelming and I just want to curl up in the tub and sleep it off? Yes. Yes. Definitely, yes.
But I own this life. I get to say what happens to me, and I get to say where I go and I get to say what accomplishments I make. I also get to say who hurts me and how long I am going to deal with it. So, while I am not ready to "erase" all these little moments in my life and delete this blog, I just am not "here" anymore. I have finally moved on from so much of this and am making the decision every day to leave the pain and tears behind, because all that I need or want... I have. What else matters?
These days, I blog (or am starting to) over at www.NerdyGirlDesigns.com. Currently, I spend my days hanging out with my children and working from home establishing my life and businesses on the north side of Chicago. I own a photography business, specializing in lifestyle and event photography, which you can find here: Urban Exposure Photography and I own a design business, NerdyGirl Designs, specializing in branding, web design and social media marketing, which you can also follow on Facebook here.
I'd love to stay in touch with you... you've been a big supporter thus far in my life and I see no reason for us to part now. ;) Maybe this MoodyFingers blog will last the year, maybe longer... or maybe not. But either way... I'd love for you to share all the things I love and hold dear.
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