Today, Joshy and I, put on our proverbial Thanksgiving hat and celebrated one of the many things we're most thankful for:
My little Monkey.
Each year her daycare holds a feast for the parents and it is highly entertaining to see the children in their environment, interacting with their teachers and friends.
Telling one of her many "stories", no doubt. Yesterday, Addi told me how her teacher Ms. Katy went to Joshy's house and they were baking cookies.
I forgot to ask him about that.
I think she just did.
These two crack me up. Its awesome sometimes to just sit back and watch the little girl she's becoming. She can hold her own in just about any situation and if you're not laughing your ass off at the end of a conversation with her, there is genuinely something wrong with you.
Five days of September left. {sigh} We've not been getting along. I feel like it tricked me... saw I was down and took a cheap shot. It used to be my favorite month… the month of birth, rebirth and mad passionate love. Next year, I’m taking Monkey on a secret vacation and we’re putting September in a time out. "We would sing and dance around because we know we can't be found..."
September started off with an incredibly handsome stranger. It was a whirlwind week. Men don’t typically knock the wind out of me, at least not from the first handshake. It was a nice change. I heard through the grapevine he went back to his ex… guess that explains why I never heard from him again. Kudos to them, though. When you find someone you love, hold on with both hands and fight… kicking and screaming for them if you have to. It doesn’t happen every day. Honestly, I’m not even upset with him. I genuinely hope things work out. How silly is that?
My baby is growing up. This month that fact was a little harder to accept and made more obvious. Addi turned three this month. She’s taller than anyone else in the 3-4 year old room, she wears size 6 pants, weighs 47 pounds and as she told me this morning, can cook breakfast and drive me to school if I want her to. She took 4 four stitches to the head on her birthday. Internally, I freaked. Freaked. I still get teary eyed about it even now. I need to get a hold of myself some times.
This month would have been our 3 year anniversary. My camera broke...that feels like someone took a limb of mine. After a little week of flirtatious banter with an old flame, I watched said flame make-out with another woman. I’ve been blown off 6 times this month, 4 times by the same man. One day I’ll just walk away, I fear. And this… this is actually what has been consuming my mind lately. I’ve benched myself while working out a tough decision. This bench is getting cold and still, I cannot figure out what to do.
My maternal instincts are kicking in and I don’t want to see her heartbroken. But I also don’t think I can deal with mine being broken again either. So, if I stay, whose best interest am I serving? If I go… same question.
There isn't a thing about fall that I don't like... nothing. The street I grew up on was lined with oak and maple trees... long walks crunching the colorful leaves underfoot was one of my favorite things. I have a lot of favorite things, but fall ranks high on the list. When I was younger we didn't have a lot of traditions or routines, even. No annual pumpkin carvings or tree lighting ceremony. I guess that's one thing I have tried to change with Addi, but its hard to start a family tradition when the family is merely Addi and I and we're stuck in limbo.
This year, J suggested a trip to a local pumpkin, or punkipens as Addi calls them, farm as we had done last year. I'll admit I was hesitant. It's a struggle for the most part with him, I wish it weren't so and I inflict a fair amount of that upon myself, but how do you start over when the past is right here and how do you start traditions with someone that might go away... again? I know at some point I will have to see the pain in Addi's eyes when she realizes he is no longer a part of her life. So, I constantly struggle with the desire for her to remember him and the desire to break clean and create new memories just for her and I. She's never known loss and it's not something I'm eager to introduce her to.
So, I accepted and we drove the 30 minutes to the farm and I watched Addi as she explored the new place - the animals, the people, the food...everything. And I watched his face and listened to the inflection in his voice as he played with my daughter. More importantly, I listened to him make plans of next year and repeating this event. Now, I know as well as the next person that the world changes daily and a year from now I may not even know this man anymore, but the thought... that's what counts, right? I don't regret anything this weekend. I spent a lot of time with J and I have to say the efforts were genuine and I am trying to not second guess this, but I'm a creature of habit. I just wish things were more open and there weren't so many dark corners for us each to hide in.
So, here's to Guinness, "punkipens", Kettle Corn and the laughter we shared this weekend. Lets hope there is more to come and this odd little friendship we are working on can flourish once again.
