The city settled down... the moon has won the war.

I knew 2012 would be better than 2011. It just had to be. There wasn't much further one could fall. Here we are mid October and I've butterflies in my stomach, for so many different reasons. In 2 weeks time my life will look completely different and I'm eagerly anticipating that change. It's a healthier state of mind, a happier heart and an honest way of being.

I'm ready... feet planted and I'm bracing for any storms... but I know now, that there isn't anything I can't get through.

... And this song found me this morning. My roots are calling me, I guess. I've spent more time with the country folk these past 2 months than I have in a good 2 years. It's my happy place... my comfort zone. I am a country girl at heart. You can blame it on all that Idaho I did in my younger years, I 'spose. ;)

Lady Antebellum - When You Got A Good Thing

Round 3. I drew a new face and I laughed.

They lied.

Time doesn't change everything.

And for that I am... elated.

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

I'm an artist... torture is a prerequisite.

Right here... at the tips of my fingers lie worlds of thoughts that refuse to materialize. I write and I delete. Write and delete. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.

I am not myself, you see. I'm acting out of order. Losing my footing. It's been a lovely fall, but the thoughts are kicking in. The doubts. The wondering. The anticipation. That always does me in. The fluttering butterflies can last against my skin for only so long before I start to question when they'll fade. I curse my inner cynic.

I'm not exactly sure where I would start... or even what I would say... I'm getting nervous. I'm just scared, I guess. There's a lot of cracks here and I just... would hate to slip into one.

So...I'm interested. In the possibility. In the unknown. 

[Title quote courtesy of Dawson's Creek... yes... Dawson's Creek]

Resonating.

Born.

Dave Gahan - Stay

Deceased.

Depeche Mode - A Pain That I Am Used To

I just can't listen to any more Wagner. I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

All evening I've been recalling the day's conversations, things I should have said... shouldn't have said... questions answered... ideas born...concerns rising; replaying events and over analyzing anything my mind will focus on. Because, yes. I need one more thing to do. 

There's a sort of unraveling happening these days. The bandages are being removed and soon the scarred aftermath will be all that remains. My heads a flutter, yet my mouth rarely moves and my fingers peck away at mere gibberish. I have lost my voice. Lost it. Long ago and I fear the struggle to regain it. God. I hate cliches, but they're so thick in the air these days. It's hard to breathe without catching one or two.

Tonight, I am raising my pretentious coffee mug and smug eyebrows with the sentiment that new chapters are a good thing. Change is a good thing. It is. And I have to embrace it entirely.

So, cheers, my dear.

[Title quote via Woody Allen]

Catching Conversations

I believe trust to be my biggest hurdle in life. I can blindly trust pure strangers, but after a conversation or two... Doubt creeps in. And oh, how it creeps. With its heavy steps and its hearty breath. 

I'm not sure I can say I've ever trusted anyone completely after a handful of conversations, let alone months and months of relationships. 

Wait. I take that back. There is one woman I trust completely. And it didn't start that way. Perhaps, it's her history. Or her brazenness. But I never doubt she has my best interests at heart when giving her opinion or trudging through the mud that is me. I guess you might say I love her, in as platonic a way one woman could another.

Relationships are murky. Mine especially. I have the best of intentions. But I jump too fast, I fear. I am blindsided by the seductive waters and their turbulent nature. The thrill breeds butterflies and their careless nature is ever so appealing. 

Innocence is lost upon our first breaths. Nothing is ever without change and consequence, is it?

Ghosts... everywhere.

It feels like mere moments since we lost my mother, but something engulfing has surfaced and refused to be quieted. I am no longer content with a head full of hopes and dreams. I am no longer content with waiting for the moments to define my character. I am no longer content with what was said to have been my best.

I've been numb... guarded... cut off at the neck and just wandering. I promised myself I wouldn't fall into that trap, her trap, anymore. I'm a liar. I can't be that anymore. 

Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.

Today these winds just cut right through me. Oh, how quickly the seasons change… coming and going before we notice. How quickly everything seems to change these days, I guess.  

Last week we lost my mother and I’m still having a tough time accepting this. She was 48. She was a very eccentric woman and I loved that about her. She was a dreamer and had a fervent love of nature and animals. My mother loved anything crafty and creative, she had a wonderful laugh… and she wouldn’t want me sitting around feeling sad. So with her spirit in tow, even though I’m still processing this, I’m trying not to get too caught up in it… which means that after just a couple stumbles, it’s time to get back on track and get back to work.

Thank you to my dear friends for all your kind words, your lended ears and shoulders. Thank you to my Mr. and to Spencer for all their unyielding compassion and support. There is nothing better than having the best of friends near you when your family is so far away.

[Title quote courtesy of Reinhold Niebuhr]

A face so similar.

Thoughts of you... and you... and you...

A little of this. A little of that. And a lot more to come...

Today was my second day back at work. Something's missing. Oh, that's right... my commitment. Compared to the rewards of the last six weeks, it is not hard to imagine why. 

Aiden, who is now 7 weeks old, is spending time with an old friend of mine. Yes... he is spoiled and has found himself a nanny. Not sure many young men would complain about a tall, busty blonde doting on them all day, so I think he's enjoying himself. I am excited though to see my friend more... so much has changed this past year for us both, it is almost as if I've a new friend. 

A couple of days ago, my step-father killed himself. Pills. He was found outside... alone... face down in the ground. He died still unable to find peace. I'm tormented more by those thoughts than by any of the memories of my childhood. 

This weekend I turned thirty. I'm quite excited about my thirty's. My twenty's ended up being full of life lessons, new adventures and life long friends. Can't imagine how the next ten years are going to shape up, but I'm excited to find out. 

One year ago Monday, Navy Boy and I started out on this little adventure of ours. One year ago. Wow. What a ride. I'm so very lucky that my hesitation and his persistence paid off the way it did. 

On the way home tonight, I turned to the radio to relax. I flipped to the alternative station and turned that volume button full circle. The soundtrack for my journey proved to be quite a thrill. I'm definitely loving these tunes right now.

The problem all along? I thought we were watching a comedy... not a tragedy.

I keep hearing and reading about friends who’ve been in bad relationships and blah blah… I find myself thinking why we are all roaming around grouping these relationships into such category?

Were you abused? Because that’s bad.

Or did things just not work out and you went separate ways? Because that’s normal.

But I get the sense we don’t really know what normal is anymore. You’ve only two choices now… black or white.

I’m beginning to think I’ve either the most archaic notion of dating or just an absolutely new idea of it entirely. I meet someone. I run them through the various checks and balances and upon passing I then take it to the next level. Yes, I will go out on a date with you. After several successful dates, I then take it to the next level. Etc. Etc. Etc.

If at any point it’s determined that we are no longer compatible, I close up shop and move on. So, sure many dates and relationships haven’t ended up the way I wanted… that doesn’t make them bad does it? It makes them experience. If at any point I am intentionally lit on fire or if my face becomes the landing point for a large boulder or your fist, then yes… I will file that under bad.

But, if we learn from these relationships then those experiences propel us just a little further in our search for compatibility. So, how then can we justify calling them bad?

Personally, I thank them for their time and keep them as friends so I can reference how much I’ve grown and recall fondly the memories of when we were both less mature and dared to believe otherwise.

Fooled me again with those honest eyes.

While browsing my Reader, I've stumbled upon this image on 5 different blogs today alone. 

So... note to the Google Reader gods: Message received. Thanks for the reminder.

Commence Mission: Moving Forward.

One fine day to be... nude.

Honestly, I'm feeling a little burned out today. A little more vulnerable. And I hate it here. I need a pick me up tonight.

Its a sad awakening when one realizes the locks and chains around their beating heart. Humbling when one realizes the effect it has on someone they care about. Embarrassing when efforts to change go unnoticed. I'm probably just doing it wrong. Yeah, that's it. Patience, I guess... that's the only word that my limp brain can muster right now. 

I've never been comfortable in my "patient pants"... and even if I were... I'm sure they wouldn't fit right now anyways.

I'd like to be under the sea...in an octopus' garden in the shade.

Five days of September left. {sigh} We've not been getting along. I feel like it tricked me... saw I was down and took a cheap shot. It used to be my favorite month… the month of birth, rebirth and mad passionate love. Next year, I’m taking Monkey on a secret vacation and we’re putting September in a time out. "We would sing and dance around because we know we can't be found..."

September started off with an incredibly handsome stranger. It was a whirlwind week. Men don’t typically knock the wind out of me, at least not from the first handshake. It was a nice change. I heard through the grapevine he went back to his ex… guess that explains why I never heard from him again. Kudos to them, though. When you find someone you love, hold on with both hands and fight… kicking and screaming for them if you have to. It doesn’t happen every day. Honestly, I’m not even upset with him. I genuinely hope things work out. How silly is that?

My baby is growing up. This month that fact was a little harder to accept and made more obvious. Addi turned three this month. She’s taller than anyone else in the 3-4 year old room, she wears size 6 pants, weighs 47 pounds and as she told me this morning, can cook breakfast and drive me to school if I want her to. She took 4 four stitches to the head on her birthday. Internally, I freaked. Freaked. I still get teary eyed about it even now. I need to get a hold of myself some times.

This month would have been our 3 year anniversary. My camera broke...that feels like someone took a limb of mine. After a little week of flirtatious banter with an old flame, I watched said flame make-out with another woman. I’ve been blown off 6 times this month, 4 times by the same man. One day I’ll just walk away, I fear. And this… this is actually what has been consuming my mind lately. I’ve benched myself while working out a tough decision. This bench is getting cold and still, I cannot figure out what to do.

My maternal instincts are kicking in and I don’t want to see her heartbroken. But I also don’t think I can deal with mine being broken again either. So, if I stay, whose best interest am I serving? If I go… same question.

{Rubs hands together} Bring on October!

  The Beatles - Octopus' Garden

Jade and various other shades of green.

I’ve had a couple interesting conversations this past week with both Carl and Flannigan. We discussed several commonplace topics. And rehashed what still feels like open wounds.

Recalling these conversations now, I can’t help but wonder: does hindsight cloud our judgment? Is the sense of loss sometimes so great that when looking back, we instantly don rose tinted lenses and remember things better than they in fact were? Or is it that while looking back, after the embers have cooled, one can genuinely see the errors of their way and can at once experience genuine regret and loss?

All around me I see and hear about relationships quote end quote failing. I’ve been tossing around the idea that perhaps I bring that plague on them… but I digress. Point: Where are all these happy couples us single people are supposed to be jealous of? {Insert disconcerting look here}

Is it simply that they’ve all forgotten what its like to not have their partner/spouse/16 cats? Why do we hold those that we love to such incredibly impossible standards yet feign shock and awe when we’re let down?

Would things have been so different for me if someone had given me my advice? “This is your life. Right here. Right now. It doesn’t wait for you to get your shit together.” Poignant, huh? I’m going to stitch it on a pillow.

They’re all missing the moments now, by holding each other to these impossible beliefs and standards that the Nicholas Sparks’ and whomever wrote that dreadful Twilight series have placed in everyone’s heads.

Be blessed you have someone by your side, willing to put up with all the crazy that is you. They’re genuinely hard to find.

And… please take my advice, when you do find them, make sure they ‘feel’ it.

/rant {trips as she jumps off soapbox}

We might as well be strangers...

A long overdue conversation started last night. Part of me is a little embarassed that I said some of the things I did... spilled the proverbial beans, if you will. But at the end of the day, I think it was time. Perhaps, this will give greater understanding to why I approach him the way I do, why the sensitivities exist and at the end of this conversation, I hope we can walk away with a little deeper understanding of one another.

The following landed in my reader this morning... the cosmos are watching me and its about freaking time they stopped hating me.

PISCES: February 19 - March 20th

Today brings at least one new way of seeing your situation -- one that feels more balanced! It's a great day to start to feel normal again after a long period of wondering where you were headed.

I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

I have all these things rolling around in my head… lots to say, I just don't know how really. Last night while texting with The Gentleman, truly one of the last nice guys left, he asked me the following question, have you ever received flowers on a Tuesday just because he thought of you?

I rolled my eyes, shook my head and emphatically and dramatically responded no. The question hasn't left my mind though. It’s not the action of receiving flowers that’s stuck in my head; it’s the principal that leads to the question "Do you think of me when I'm not there?" This question has come up so many times in my past relationships. I've realized two things as a result of that text and my conversations with him. First, I’m tired of feeling insecure in my relationships and second, no more settling. I find it ironically funny that I have chosen to settle in my intimate relationships when I don't in any other aspect of my life.

My friends joke along with me about the random men that I date and interact with… one wise man recently remarked on how full my dance card seemed… I seem to be developing quite the reputation with the boys. Truth is… if you must know… I don’t trust them.

None of my dating adventures last past three months. I typically cut the cord in some way by then. Either I stop calling, push away or find some “fatal” flaw… Boys turn into children, the gamers stop playing by the rules, and the overly sweet ones eventually give you a cavity. Just ask me, I’ve a reason for each. It’s not even a conscience thing. I’ve a wall no one has been able to penetrate, as of yet.

I will admit I hide behind my obnoxious exterior…often. I’ve reclaimed my independence in a much fiercer manor…plus it’s easier to not get hurt when you’re the one doing the poking.

I know why this wall was created. I can even pinpoint the exact moment I first heard the crack in the universe. The thing I can’t figure out is how to tear down this wall. Isn’t it a little idealistic to think there’s someone out there eagerly waiting to do that for me?

Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery, right? Or does that only work in AA meetings. Regardless… what now?

She said, get off my train you dirty hobo.

Deer Tick - These Old Shoes

If you can listen to this song and not fall in love with it, then I am quite certain there is something wrong with you. Typically, music is another way I express my frustration, passion and excitement, however, I can honestly say this song does none of that for me right now. Or if it does, I just haven't figured it out yet. It simply puts me in a good mood. And lately, I've been in a damn good mood.

Its amazing how impowered one can feel by simply saying No.

Oh, Emily. {Sighs}

I have a stalker? Sweet.

Hey, hot blonde girl. I can see you.

You must have questions, or else you wouldn't be here. I don't like playing with middlemen... too many things get lost in translation. Want to know? Ask me.

I don't bite... hard.