I don't denounce any of those descriptions, really - I'm fully aware of my shortcomings, more than most realize. Some people have an overwhelming ability to bring these characteristics out stronger than others. Those are a dime a dozen. What I'd never met was someone who accepted all those, encouraged my intensity - literally and could weather the storm... or handle me, as my dearest friend exclaimed tonight.
I'm restless. I know that. I can't sit still for long. I have a million things running through my head. Right now, I'm rewinding an earlier conversation; making a mental list of all the things I need to do at work and home: look up airline tickets and call my step-mother...which reminds me of our last conversation and I want to cry, but then I remember where I am; there's an image of a pen making circles and I imagine myself on top of that pen -I can almost feel it... around and around and around. All of this now, with my headphones on…nano at maximum volume. Sometimes I pretend I can literally drown out the noise in my head. It works - momentarily.
Music has always been my white noise. It is personal for me... I need it in my life. I will repeat the same song over and over [I recently killed one song: 627 plays in 3 days]. I like the monotony. No matter what else is going on around me or what is playing out in my head, there is one constant.
There are some songs that I hang on and their every note drips true for my feelings, situation, beliefs... a self imposed theme song. Right now I’m holding onto A Beautiful Mess, by Jason Mraz. Not in the same way though… this is not a theme song, but a personal dedication.
Explanation? I didn't dream of my wedding when I was a little girl like all my friends. - I was too practical for that. I didn't think I would get married nor did I want to. I didn't care for relationships, really - I didn't date a lot and I didn't dream of what my "prince" would look like - I don't care [one thing I am not is superficial]. What I did envision was a daughter, blond... and myself - nothing else... no one else. I know how hard I am to hold... to manage... to thrive around.
Still, at my core, I am a romantic - and will be until the day I die. I want to be swept off my feet - breath caught in my throat.. perhaps because at this point I see it as more of a challenge and I love a good one. This song gives birth to those butterflies and evokes the mystery and wonder of the fairy tales from my youth. Given the ability to sketch my screenplay of Life, this would have been penciled in for my Prince Charming. I had often wondered if I would meet someone unaffected and strong enough to deal with the mess that I am... and I sit here, biting my lower lip in anticipation, knowing I may very well have just met my match.
Peace out,
Jerkface.
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