There isn't a thing about fall that I don't like... nothing. The street I grew up on was lined with oak and maple trees... long walks crunching the colorful leaves underfoot was one of my favorite things. I have a lot of favorite things, but fall ranks high on the list. When I was younger we didn't have a lot of traditions or routines, even. No annual pumpkin carvings or tree lighting ceremony. I guess that's one thing I have tried to change with Addi, but its hard to start a family tradition when the family is merely Addi and I and we're stuck in limbo.
This year, J suggested a trip to a local pumpkin, or punkipens as Addi calls them, farm as we had done last year. I'll admit I was hesitant. It's a struggle for the most part with him, I wish it weren't so and I inflict a fair amount of that upon myself, but how do you start over when the past is right here and how do you start traditions with someone that might go away... again? I know at some point I will have to see the pain in Addi's eyes when she realizes he is no longer a part of her life. So, I constantly struggle with the desire for her to remember him and the desire to break clean and create new memories just for her and I. She's never known loss and it's not something I'm eager to introduce her to.
So, I accepted and we drove the 30 minutes to the farm and I watched Addi as she explored the new place - the animals, the people, the food...everything. And I watched his face and listened to the inflection in his voice as he played with my daughter. More importantly, I listened to him make plans of next year and repeating this event. Now, I know as well as the next person that the world changes daily and a year from now I may not even know this man anymore, but the thought... that's what counts, right? I don't regret anything this weekend. I spent a lot of time with J and I have to say the efforts were genuine and I am trying to not second guess this, but I'm a creature of habit. I just wish things were more open and there weren't so many dark corners for us each to hide in.
So, here's to Guinness, "punkipens", Kettle Corn and the laughter we shared this weekend. Lets hope there is more to come and this odd little friendship we are working on can flourish once again.
Interpol - Slow Hands