Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.

Today these winds just cut right through me. Oh, how quickly the seasons change… coming and going before we notice. How quickly everything seems to change these days, I guess.  

Last week we lost my mother and I’m still having a tough time accepting this. She was 48. She was a very eccentric woman and I loved that about her. She was a dreamer and had a fervent love of nature and animals. My mother loved anything crafty and creative, she had a wonderful laugh… and she wouldn’t want me sitting around feeling sad. So with her spirit in tow, even though I’m still processing this, I’m trying not to get too caught up in it… which means that after just a couple stumbles, it’s time to get back on track and get back to work.

Thank you to my dear friends for all your kind words, your lended ears and shoulders. Thank you to my Mr. and to Spencer for all their unyielding compassion and support. There is nothing better than having the best of friends near you when your family is so far away.

[Title quote courtesy of Reinhold Niebuhr]

Live simply so others may simply live.

Oh, that Mother Theresa still gets to me. And Simple Mom, Tsh, she's been holding my attention for a while, too. I recently bought her book, Organized Simplicity. Read it cover and to cover and have been working to implement her mindset into my life. I even recruited my boyfriend… ok. Perhaps, I strong-armed him a little. ;) I joke… I joke…

I read the newest post by Tsh this morning amidst a rather large heated cup of coffee… literally and figuratively. I’ve fought very hard to cut the superficial from my life, from my daughter’s life, yet recently it has crept in. I feel, and even see, its grimy little fingers taking hold of my budding family’s conversations and I don’t like it.

I’ve tried to teach my daughter the beauty of appreciation and of the few luxuries, which even she as the daughter of a single mother, had. I have wanted to enlist her help in giving back and to help those less fortunate, but never knew just where to physically start. I think the following story and Tsh’s experiences are the perfect addition to begin implementing this mindset with both her and K. I love Tsh’s breakdown of how simple it is for us to make a difference and how even the smallest of sacrifices in our lives effect those we dare not think of.

Unfortunately, I have found humility and selflessness don’t go as far as they used to. I’m determined to change that. Luckily, I have two little girls with the biggest hearts by my side.

Oxenreider, Tsh. “Now that you know, what will you do?” SimpleMom.net, June 3, 2011

A little of this. A little of that. And a lot more to come...

Today was my second day back at work. Something's missing. Oh, that's right... my commitment. Compared to the rewards of the last six weeks, it is not hard to imagine why. 

Aiden, who is now 7 weeks old, is spending time with an old friend of mine. Yes... he is spoiled and has found himself a nanny. Not sure many young men would complain about a tall, busty blonde doting on them all day, so I think he's enjoying himself. I am excited though to see my friend more... so much has changed this past year for us both, it is almost as if I've a new friend. 

A couple of days ago, my step-father killed himself. Pills. He was found outside... alone... face down in the ground. He died still unable to find peace. I'm tormented more by those thoughts than by any of the memories of my childhood. 

This weekend I turned thirty. I'm quite excited about my thirty's. My twenty's ended up being full of life lessons, new adventures and life long friends. Can't imagine how the next ten years are going to shape up, but I'm excited to find out. 

One year ago Monday, Navy Boy and I started out on this little adventure of ours. One year ago. Wow. What a ride. I'm so very lucky that my hesitation and his persistence paid off the way it did. 

On the way home tonight, I turned to the radio to relax. I flipped to the alternative station and turned that volume button full circle. The soundtrack for my journey proved to be quite a thrill. I'm definitely loving these tunes right now.

Bitter Lessons of Unpreparedness.

I could blame the new hormones for this, but I won't... the below article made me cry. Why you ask? Because this blogger hit something I'm very sensitive about... making the most and enjoying the time now. Not later... now.

And I think back to this morning, with my favorite person, big or little. And I remember how tired and rushed I was. Waking late at the Spencer household does not go over well. And as always, my little one, so eager to make everyone around her happy tried singing and playing all the games I typically find endearing, only to be caught with my stern, rushed words. And I didn’t even take a second to notice if my words left her deflated.

I know I sometimes get tunnel vision and in the hurried moments of trying to make sure the boss doesn’t get mad because I’m late, that the fish don’t die of starvation, that Addison doesn’t go to school looking homeless, that I don’t forget to mail the electricity bill or to put gas in the car and strand us or in simply trying to clear my head of the numerous to do lists… sometimes I miss the field for the corn. I miss the little ways in which she tries to help and sedate. I race around trying to turn off lights and find her back pack and sweater, only to find her waiting outside on the patio with all missing items in hand. I curse under my breath when I get her head to my nose while trying to buckle her in… only to be shown two days later, she was trying to figure it out herself “to help her favorite mommy”.

I guess I should find solace in all parents trying each and every moment to keep their world’s spinning and I guess I shouldn’t tear up when I realize that we are all no different in missing moments and regretting words, but I don’t find solace. I do tear up. And I do often remind myself that I’ve got a million moments to make up for. But we don’t get more time for these make ups as the days roll on, do we?  

Article from BlogHer.com: To The Young Mom in Aisle 7

I passed the young mother several times in the grocery store as we both weaved our way up and down the aisles. She was dressed nicely -- she must have gotten off work, grabbed the kids from daycare and had to hit the store before heading home.

She was tired -- I could tell by the way her face and shoulders drooped. As I maneuvered my basket around hers in the cereal aisle, I could hear her thoughts as she tossed flavored rice cakes into her cart: I'm eating this crap but still can't lose any weight, and no wonder when I don't have any time to exercise, working all day then grocery shopping and dealing with the kids.

A son, probably four, but big for his age, rode sideways in the basket seat. A daughter -- cute little thing with her hair bobbed like her mom's -- I guessed to be around 6 or 7. She was all smiles. Neither of the kids were whiny or bratty, from what I could tell in our brief encounters, just bubbly and full of joy, viewing this trip to the store as an adventure with their mom. They were probably happy to be with her, finally. Time goes by so quickly for adults, but for kids, a day's separation seems like forever.

I love how kids can turn everything into an adventure. I'm not sure I loved it all the time when my kids were little, though, and I don't think this mom appreciated it either. Kids seem to suck the energy right out of you. It's proportional -- they become happy and energetic while you become a crabby zombie. And your crabby-zombie-ness spreads until everyone around you is a crabby zombie.

Sure enough, she was one register over when I was checking out, and by then the little girl was in tears. Maybe I'm being too harsh on the mother -- maybe the little girl, tired from school or daycare and nearing bedtime, became a brat and kept asking for something even after her mom said no a zillion times.

At first I felt relief that it wasn't me having to deal with paying for my groceries and shooshing a tired child. But then I took another look at those kids, and in their place I saw mine so many years ago and thought of all the shopping trips we'd made together ... some not so fun, but some ... yes, some were lots of fun. And I know I didn't appreciate that time I had with my kids that age, so innocent, so bubbly, so energetic and full of joy.
I wanted to tell the mom to hang on, to keep it in perspective and take it a day at a time. Heck, a minute at a time, if necessary. I wanted to tell her to soak up her kids' joy and sense of adventure instead of letting them zap her energy -- it's possible! -- because before she knows it, those two are going to be grown and she's going to be walking the aisles selecting things she thinks they'll like to eat because they're coming home to visit for a weekend.

And she'll pass a tired mom with two little ones in tow and she'll think, if only I could go back in time. There are a few days I'd like to do over, a few days when instead of spreading my crabby zombie-ness, I'd like to try soaking up their joy and wonder at the world ... if only I had the chance to do some things a little differently ... if only ...

Barbara Shallue writes about her life at http://barbarashallue.typepad.com, shares photos and information about photography at http://barbarashalluephotography.blogspot.com and is contributing editor of http://jobs4autism.com.

Whatever life may bring, I know I've already won.

Last night Addi went with me to get the mail. Addi looked down at the athletic wear catalog she pulled from the mailbox and grinned. "Your belly doesn't look like that anymore, Mommy. But mine does," she giggled. She turned around and patted my stomach. "Your belly's getting bigger and bigger, mommy."

Sighing, unable to deny the truth any longer, I replied, "Do you know why mommy's belly is getting bigger?" A confused Addison shook her head no. "Because there's a baby in there, you goof ball!"

Without hesitation, Addison jumped in the air and clapped her hands. "I wanna play with it!" she exclaimed.

"We have to wait, Addi. First, we have to wait for your birthday and then for Christmas. Then, the baby will be done sleeping and you can play with it."

"When the snow comes?"

"Yep. When the snow comes, the baby will too." I reached for my wallet and pulled out the ultrasound pictures. "See this? This is the inside of mommy's tummy."

Addi wrinkled up her nose. "That's disgusting!"

Laughing, I pointed out the head and the body of the baby. She laid on the floor and pretended to be the sleeping baby. When she was done playing, I got up to get a drink from the kitchen.

"Mommy," Addi called. "Why's your butt getting bigger then?"

While my sanity and the very threads that bind this woman together have been tested these last few months, luckily my sense of humor remains.

So here I am. 16 week pregnant momma. 

Waiting for January. And hoping it brings a little girl.

Fooled me again with those honest eyes.

While browsing my Reader, I've stumbled upon this image on 5 different blogs today alone. 

So... note to the Google Reader gods: Message received. Thanks for the reminder.

Commence Mission: Moving Forward.

Late night conversations with the best of me.

Tonight while laying in bed, Addi wandered off on one of her many tangents... Tonight exploring babies and growing up.

"Yesterday, I went to my dads house and we colors. I went grashrr!! {Waves arms in the air} and my finger got wet."

"Really? That sounds crazy."

"And my just played at my daddy's house. Actually. And then I went eh! Eh! And we took a little nap."

Addi loves pretending... She's a very vivid imagination, one of my favorite things about her. Right now, she loves pretending to be a baby. I border on finding it adorable and.... Incredibly annoying. Its a fine line. She stayed in the roll for a couple more minutes, before I gently reminded her that she is now a big girl and we must go to sleep.

"What are babies for?" She questions.

"Uhm... Babies... are for mommies & daddies to love & play with. Then they grow up to be big girls, like you."

"My was a little baby?"

"Yep. You were my little baby. And now you're my very sweet, big girl and some day, you'll grow up and be even bigger, like mommy."

"My be a mommy?!!!!" I cannot add enough exclamation points here to illustrate her excitement.

"Yes, baby. You'll be a mommy. And a grandma when you're older."

"What about a daddy? Can my be a daddy, too?!"

"Boys are daddies, baby. Girls are mommies. Which one will you be?"

"My's a girl. Can be a mommy!! My's so excited! You ready, mommy?" She questions as she grabbed my face and pressed her nose to mine.

Am I ready?

Hell, no. Holy hell, no.
Good lord, they grow up fast.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Regardless of how old I get I hope I will never tire of...

Top Ramen, Mac & Cheese and Chicken Pot (chicken pot) Pies. They always wash me with the most obscure memories.

Tonight, on this perfectly great Saturday night, I sit at home watching Mannequin [don't judge me] enjoying Marie Calendar's finest, remembering the games my brother and sister and I would play in the hay stack behind our farm house. Hours were spent on those old stacks... Laughing over antics, whining from the scratches and screaming at the site of the mice residing within. I miss those kids...

So many things turn and make a left in life and it saddens me... To my very core... This distance put between my siblings and I. I wish it merely miles that separated us, but truth is our lives are so drastically different and hurried, finding common ground proves troublesome too often.

Chicago is oh, so lovely and everything I dreamed it would be, but after spending the last week with my loved ones I'm finding myself hard to locate again now that I'm back in my comfort zone.

Perhaps its merely exhaustion showing its ugly self.

But... Perhaps its more.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

...the taste still dances on my tongue.

The night before Thanksgiving 2007, having the holiday to ourselves, J and I were at the grocery store shopping for our dinner festivities the next night. Laughing and carrying all our groceries inside, my phone rang and although I am a multi-talented girl, the talent of juggling grocery bags, the door and the phone eluded me that night. Once safe inside and possessing the ability to use both my hands freely, I checked my voice mail. It was from Spencer, Addi's father.

Spencer: "We're in an ambulance on the way to the hospital."

His voice was hurried, stressed. If it were a physical being, you would surely see it collapsed in the corner, sobbing. Questions flooded my head. For whom; him or Addison? What hospital? Why? What the fuck?

Several attempts later, I finally made contact with Spencer. The fear and sadness in his voice confirmed the worst and encouraged the growing knot in my stomach; something had happened to Addison. She had collapsed, had a Grand Mal Seizure and had stopped breathing.

The trip to the hospital is a blur. I merely remember everything as an echo. I only saw black.

We were sent home after a few minor tests and some papers containing multiple prescriptions and a diagnosis of "Febrile Seizure." There wasn't much sleep to be had that night. Worry was at the edge of all our words and fear consumed our thoughts.

The following morning, I received another call from Spencer. Addison had another seizure and they were on their way to the ER again. By the time J and I arrived, she had had another seizure. Spencer was a wreck, rightly so, and promptly disappeared once we arrived to collect the pieces of himself he'd dropped on the way in. Given that it was a holiday, the neurologist was in Aruba or Bermuda or some equally far and beautiful location. Addi was moved to PICU and hooked to every wire and machine the hospital had on that floor, while we waited to be shipped to the nearest hospital with an available neurologist. Just as we settled in, she had her final seizure for the night... the first I had to witness.

Fear is often such a small word, completely unable to capture the desperation and immobilization of a moment. Addison is such a strong willed and spirited child, to watch confusion and panic consume her face and leave her limp and exhausted tore my world apart. Even now, writing this, I sit here crying... still unable to cope with the horror.

Addison has had a total of 4 "incidents". Each time, there is a series of 4 seizures. Each time, it takes 6 nurses to restrain her for an IV. Each time, I am awed by the emotional strength of this little person. We've been through several tests, lost count over sleepless nights, tested several daycares, and comforted far too many terrified cries. We're a year free now, but with each illness, I brace myself and prepare for the worst. I wonder, often, if that fear is something I will ever let go of.

Recently, I met a new friend whose son has similar, but more severe seizures. He's also been in a remission of sorts. Yesterday, there was momentary panic throughout his home as a situation all too familiar popped up.  Things like this take your legs away, leave you breathless and covered in emotional vulnerability. Listening to his worries, I was reminded of my own with Addison and now want nothing more than to hold that quirky, lively little Monkey of mine.

Hang in there NotSteve. Hugs to you and your family.

My head's a carousel of memories... the spinning never stops.

- Posted using Mobypicture.com

Out of the blue, Candy Man asked if he could be my baggage next time I went home.

Random questions about my childhood from close friends. People wondering why I haven't told any of you my story yet. {shrugs}

iTunes keeps spitting out the music of my childhood: Manilow, Carpenters and Strait.

And now... my food is shaped like Idaho?

Fine. {dramatic sigh}
I'll look up plane tickets.  Afterall, its only been 4 years.

Dear Self, Remember This.

Today, Joshy and I, put on our proverbial Thanksgiving hat and celebrated one of the many things we're most thankful for:

My little Monkey.

 

Each year her daycare holds a feast for the parents and it is highly entertaining to see the children in their environment, interacting with their teachers and friends.

Telling one of her many "stories", no doubt. Yesterday, Addi told me how her teacher Ms. Katy went to Joshy's house and they were baking cookies.

I forgot to ask him about that.

I think she just did.

These two crack me up. Its awesome sometimes to just sit back and watch the little girl she's becoming. She can hold her own in just about any situation and if you're not laughing your ass off at the end of a conversation with her, there is genuinely something wrong with you.

"Knock. Knock..."
"Wanna see my party?"

Who shall I point the finger at; Nature or Nurture? {giggles}

This picture cracks me up! It is such a great visual representation of my daughter. Each night she comes home, she lines her shoes up. She is very organized and clean for a child... after dinner; she puts her dishes in the sink and wipes down the table. She scolds me when my room is a mess, which is often. But Addi has the greatest sense of humor and even though it frustrates me, when the moment gets too tense, she inevitably finds a way to relieve the tension.

When I saw her shoes lined up this way this morning, I couldn’t help but laugh. I had just finished telling her that I wanted all the toys and miscellaneous b.s. (of course I was more eloquent with her) cleaned up. The randomness of the shoes lined up in the middle of the living room, with one pair out of synch and another backwards, was just her sarcastic way of saying “Sure Mom… whatever you say.”

 

I'd like to be under the sea...in an octopus' garden in the shade.

Five days of September left. {sigh} We've not been getting along. I feel like it tricked me... saw I was down and took a cheap shot. It used to be my favorite month… the month of birth, rebirth and mad passionate love. Next year, I’m taking Monkey on a secret vacation and we’re putting September in a time out. "We would sing and dance around because we know we can't be found..."

September started off with an incredibly handsome stranger. It was a whirlwind week. Men don’t typically knock the wind out of me, at least not from the first handshake. It was a nice change. I heard through the grapevine he went back to his ex… guess that explains why I never heard from him again. Kudos to them, though. When you find someone you love, hold on with both hands and fight… kicking and screaming for them if you have to. It doesn’t happen every day. Honestly, I’m not even upset with him. I genuinely hope things work out. How silly is that?

My baby is growing up. This month that fact was a little harder to accept and made more obvious. Addi turned three this month. She’s taller than anyone else in the 3-4 year old room, she wears size 6 pants, weighs 47 pounds and as she told me this morning, can cook breakfast and drive me to school if I want her to. She took 4 four stitches to the head on her birthday. Internally, I freaked. Freaked. I still get teary eyed about it even now. I need to get a hold of myself some times.

This month would have been our 3 year anniversary. My camera broke...that feels like someone took a limb of mine. After a little week of flirtatious banter with an old flame, I watched said flame make-out with another woman. I’ve been blown off 6 times this month, 4 times by the same man. One day I’ll just walk away, I fear. And this… this is actually what has been consuming my mind lately. I’ve benched myself while working out a tough decision. This bench is getting cold and still, I cannot figure out what to do.

My maternal instincts are kicking in and I don’t want to see her heartbroken. But I also don’t think I can deal with mine being broken again either. So, if I stay, whose best interest am I serving? If I go… same question.

{Rubs hands together} Bring on October!

  The Beatles - Octopus' Garden

Laugh when you can... its cheaper than medicine.

My daughter is slightly accident prone. {rolls eyes sarcastically} And by slightly I mean very. At least 3 times a week she comes home with an accident report. Banged her head on the toilet while going potty, went head first down the slide and scratched her chin, tripped over the rug and bruised her knee… or simply, “We don’t know how she got this bruise. One minute it wasn’t there… the next, her arm is turning purple.”

This time, Addi was playing and hit her head on a shelf. She walked over to her babysitter and just stood there... wide eyed. As soon as her babysitter saw what happened, she panicked, given the amount of blood and I think that's when it set in for Addi as well. I was told tales of tears... but it sounds like it was more fear than pain. Nothing stops her... not even her bleeding head. Once her daycare applied the band-aid, she ran off to play with her friends.

4:55p - {sigh} Happy birthday to Addi. School called to tell me she slipped and fell... and has a very large gash on her forehead. To the ER stat!

[picture via J, who upon hearing news of incident, rushed to Addi's daycare to see how she was]

5:40p - {sigh} thanks for the heart attack. Addi appears to be fine and not in any pain. To the park we go!

After stopping at the park for a little game of tag with J, Addi & I went home to change the band-aid and begin the birthday festivities.. but no. The gash on her head had other ideas.

7:15pm - So, upon further inspection by the mommy figure we’re going to get stitches for Addi's forehead.

Waiting in the ER for stitches. Best way to spend your birthday. :)

Addi was the most lively person in the waiting room. She played with the toys, singing Happy Birthday to herself. One father even questioned which one of us was waiting… said she may just be the most cheerful kid he’s ever encountered. I’d like to think so, but then again… I am partial. We took Addi’s stats, too… 42 inches tall & 45 lbs. One nurse commented while stitching her head, “this may be the largest 3 year old I’ve ever seen!”

Still waiting... Hour 2.

She found a little boyfriend. What a flirt!

After sitting for 2.5 hours, we finally got a bed and a nurse. Addi thought she was the coolest little monkey ever sitting on the bed with the remote control. We didn’t have cake tonight, but she won the heart of one of the male nurses and he substituted cookies from the vending machine… complete with song, too.

Monkey's home and tucked in my bed. 4 stitches & 3 hours later. Nurse said I was calmest parent all day...she obviously can't read minds.

Sunday Shenanigans

Whoa means nothing to a Swedish horse... or a growing three-year old.

The lights went out this weekend and at the home of the Spencer girls, that could only mean one thing... time to build a fort. We pulled all the dinning room chairs into my bedroom and covered them with our spare blankets. We ate dinner with our flashlights, read stories and ate tootsie rolls.

Addi's been asleep for hours, but I'm still sitting under our fort. I can't help but laugh because the image of this, me sitting Indian style under a bunch of blankets surrounded by all my daughters’ beloved stuffed friends, is the near physical representation of something that's been bothering me for a while now. My baby's growing up, way too fast, and it's only going to be but a moment longer before she's no longer my baby girl, my monkey... and she's off on her own doing big girl things.

I have a little confession... Addi sleeps with me nearly every night. She falls asleep in her own bed, without a fuss... just like my little angel, and around 11pm when I go to bed, I pick her up and bring her to bed with me. I know... what the heck am I thinking, right? I feel like I'm missing so much with her. I love that her father is so active with her and sees her as often as he does, but sometimes my selfish side kicks in and I wish I could steal away more time.

She's turning three in one month; moving to pre-school; too big to wear toddler sizes and is quite certain she could take care of herself some days. I think it’s safe to say I'm taking her turning three harder than I will me turning thirty.

Exercising my big mouth and the freedom to use it.

Brooke Burke is known as today's modern mother? Since when? And what makes her so worthy of such a title?

This irritates me. Celebrity moms drive me nuts... so its soapbox time. I stayed home with Addi today and actually told a friend "stay-at-home mothers were either super-heroes or a few fries short of a happy meal." It's exhausting; emotionally, mentally and physically to give that much of yourself to someone each day. So, today, while taking a break I looked over one of the feed folders for just such an occasion, 'No Brains Required'. It's a mash-up of celebrity blogs and fashion nonsense that I have compiled around the Internet. I really don't buy into that crap, but some of my friends do and well... it's great mindless fodder.

My "me time" was quickly broken up by the smiling faces of the Holmes', Klume's, Alba's, Fischer's, and Hayek's running to and fro in their marvelous frocks and perfect hair chatting up what a blessing motherhood is and how it's changed their lives. How? Now instead of having an entourage of 15, you have 20: the nanny for child a, the nanny for child b, the nutritionist, their driver and their personal bodyguard? How much time must they spend in the gym to get that silver screen body back? I hardly doubt their infant is at their feet while they are running away on the treadmill. It must be exhausting running from salon to spa to boutique while some lady your Agent or Publicist chose to watch your "little miracle" stays behind playing peek-a-boo. They've landed the ultimate acting gig.

I hate Hollywood. I hate magazine covers and fashion ads. But most of all, I hate reading stories of these mothers who don't spend enough time with their children and are the reason so many of our children are starving themselves and giving in... giving in and never feeling worthy enough. I went through all of that as a child and even as a very young adult; starving, hating, cutting, disappearing. Now as a mother, its being thrown in my face again? Brooke Burke is Today's Modern Mother? No way.... I throw rocks at that.

Blank Piece of Paper... Please Feel Free To Eternalize.

It’s ridiculous how much you take for granted when you are with someone… and I’m not even talking about the other person. One thing I’ve realized, well… this revelation happened a while ago, I just didn’t feel like voicing it until now, but there’s a stir within and it’s bringing the best of me out. Wow… digression… my specialty. One thing I’ve realized is that I have a lot of shit to learn.

I went grocery shopping the other night and found myself staring at the dish soap, perplexed. Ok… what freaking brand have I been using? It was a green bottle, but then 40% of all the bottles are green. I had no idea… so I literally closed my eyes, sang a silent song and picked the first green bottle my hand touched. It was scary knowing that I didn't know a damn thing about dish soap, after all these years... but exhilarating that now I can use whatever I want. hmm... The one I want... I like the way that feels. It’s so minor, it really doesn’t qualify as a mentionable item, but it was the straw. And now, I feel sorry for that poor camel.

Let’s call this TMI Tuesday…
I’m 27 [and ½]. Of the last 10½ years, I have spent 9½ attached.
8 of those married.
Point of this….
I am quickly learning that I never really knew who I was. I thought I did, but I changed too often and too easily... all based on my partner’s definition of attractive and desirable.

When you start as young as I did [17 years old], grow up in a marriage, and then find yourself single… you have to learn things all over again. Or in some cases, learn new things. The scariest part for me...I have a 2 year old counting on me to already have my shit together.

Are there Cliff Notes for this?

It is what it is.

Hello, Autumn.

There isn't a thing about fall that I don't like... nothing. The street I grew up on was lined with oak and maple trees... long walks crunching the colorful leaves underfoot was one of my favorite things. I have a lot of favorite things, but fall ranks high on the list. When I was younger we didn't have a lot of traditions or routines, even. No annual pumpkin carvings or tree lighting ceremony. I guess that's one thing I have tried to change with Addi, but its hard to start a family tradition when the family is merely Addi and I and we're stuck in limbo.

This year, J suggested a trip to a local pumpkin, or punkipens as Addi calls them, farm as we had done last year. I'll admit I was hesitant. It's a struggle for the most part with him, I wish it weren't so and I inflict a fair amount of that upon myself, but how do you start over when the past is right here and how do you start traditions with someone that might go away... again? I know at some point I will have to see the pain in Addi's eyes when she realizes he is no longer a part of her life. So, I constantly struggle with the desire for her to remember him and the desire to break clean and create new memories just for her and I. She's never known loss and it's not something I'm eager to introduce her to.

So, I accepted and we drove the 30 minutes to the farm and I watched Addi as she explored the new place - the animals, the people, the food...everything. And I watched his face and listened to the inflection in his voice as he played with my daughter. More importantly, I listened to him make plans of next year and repeating this event. Now, I know as well as the next person that the world changes daily and a year from now I may not even know this man anymore, but the thought... that's what counts, right? I don't regret anything this weekend. I spent a lot of time with J and I have to say the efforts were genuine and I am trying to not second guess this, but I'm a creature of habit. I just wish things were more open and there weren't so many dark corners for us each to hide in.

So, here's to Guinness, "punkipens", Kettle Corn and the laughter we shared this weekend. Lets hope there is more to come and this odd little friendship we are working on can flourish once again.

moody.music
Interpol - Slow Hands