Leaving shadows... heavy shadows.

[Disclaimer: This post has been laying around my apartment, in the form of random note sheets and various text messages, since the first week of August. My. My. My. What a slacker I have turned out to be. No real reason, other than lacking in time. So, please don’t read into that… and now… back to August 4, 2009.]

So, today I received a message from The Boy today telling me he’d quit social networking and was venturing out into the real world. Kudos. High five. Good for him.

We decided the best place for him was helping keep my friend bench warm. As I’ve told him before, I’m not sure what I’m looking for so I like this arrangement better... fewer expectations, assumptions and rules.

He then texted me to confess he never thought we would have worked out anyways. Ok. Now you have my attention. Was I about to get an honest confession or simply a response filled with insecurity and anger, like so many before?

Him: You seem fixated on raising your daughter alone and more power to you and just based on what I’ve read and talked to you about, you don’t seem to be ready to settle down and honestly if you’re happy that’s all that matters. Plus, I don’t really get some aspects of your life and I don’t make judgments but some of them make me uncomfortable. I realize J was there when Addi was born and I realize he helped raise her for a year. Just seems weird that he still watches and picks her up, etc. He’s not her real parent and I just wonder if in 3 years he has kids of his own and finds out he doesn’t have time for her, how it will adversely affect her.

{Scratches head} Uhm.

For starters, I don’t want to raise my daughter alone… but I’m not going to let just anyone help in this. You don’t get a do-over and I see the ways in which my childhood has left its scars and I wish someone had taken a little more care with that. In a way, yes, Boy, you are correct. Until I find someone I trust with all of me, daughter included, I will remain fixated on raising her alone… which also answers, why I do not seem ready to settle down.

It’s the J aspect I really want to discuss. I’d be over the moon with some input here, too, from the parents that have been here, are struggling with this too. Heck, even if you’re not and you’ve got something to contribute to this… do it. You will totally make my day. [How’s that for soliciting comments?]

J is not Addi’s father. He was my best friend and roommate when she was born. Her father and I were separated. Both were in the room the day she was born. The day after her birth, a much quieter and sincere version of J appeared in my hospital room, to tell me he wanted to help me… help me raise my daughter. And that he loved me. Gorgeous baby and the man of dreams in less than 24 hours? I don’t remember what I said, but I’m certain I muttered and spoke as eloquent as a chimp reading Spanish upside down.

That was it. For nearly two years, both her father and J walked and worked side by side with me taking care of Addison… sometimes picking up more than their share when I was overwhelmed and losing balance. To her, J was just as much a father as her own. I genuinely believe he loves her and would do just as much for her as he would his own.

When J and I broke up and I moved out, the first 2 months were brutal on both Addi and I. She often stood, forehead pressed against our glass door, looking for him. Asking where he was and even crying for him. Regardless of any differences that J and I have had, he maintains a relationship with Addison and doesn’t treat her any differently than he ever has. I believe we have all settled into a much more comfortable place with the roles we play in one another’s life and I greatly value the influence J is on Addison.

So, with the significantly condensed version of the relationship between them, how can I cut that? Why would I want to? How selfish that would be on my part to take that away from her. J still is a great friend of mine, and yes, for the 3 guys that made it past date 1, he was always a problem. I understand their concern and even understand the twinge of jealousy, but if we all have the same interests at heart; one being her happiness, it seems selfish and immature of them to not understand the need for that relationship to continue… its not about me and him… its about her and him.

Are there any parents that have been in this situation or something similar present? I would love advice, criticism…thoughts in general on this. Am I really being too idealistic here? Can we all co-exist peacefully?

[Footnote: The Boy’s honesty and integrity is amazing. I appreciate the angle from which he views things and for this reason, he will always be ranked high on my friend list.]

It's Friday night!! Bring me my NetFlix.

I hate dating.

The pretentious bullshit. The drama.

I don’t want to get dressed up and go to the bars just to have mindless conversations week after week. Sometimes I find myself zoning out and forgetting what we were talking about. I even dodge phone calls like the plague. A friend of mine insisted I put my profile on an online dating site. So, I caved. At first there were no matches… three days later, there were 53 profiles. I printed some and as a joke one Friday night, we sat around reading them, drinking wine. We had a “keepers” pile and a “he wishes” pile. She had to approve the discards because I found myself disqualifying men based on superficialities such as names, astrological signs and height before even reading the contents of their profile. I’m so over this.

I want the Saturday morning breakfasts at dingy diners, browsing grocery specials in the local newspaper; running errands until noon; browsing bookstores; curling up on the couch reading while he browses “man-shit” on the computer; playing video games until dawn. There were a few times I would venture over to the Candy Man’s house and sit in his hallway; feet propped on the wall, watching him do paperwork. I was happy there. Bring on the monotony.

Am I doing something wrong? Does this get better? Because I have to tell you…this process has become incredibly boring. Dating sucks. Last summer I went out and met people. I date stacked like you wouldn’t believe, which I don’t have the energy for anymore. The Boy and I were talking about this and he had a perfect analogy for why he never stacks. “Its like playing two games at once. Half the time you’re playing Monopoly the other half you’re playing Scrabble. Sure you may get an ok score out of both, but what if you could have gotten a triple word score and you missed it because you were too preoccupied paying rent on someone else’s space? “That makes me laugh.

My married girl friends make comments about being jealous of my singleness and freedom to date. I make funny faces and always want to ask why. It’s not all that fun.

I’ll gladly trade my Friday nights at the bar for your Sunday’s at Home Depot.

So, perhaps I overreacted. There was no hacking to be had.

The Boy and I went for a little hike Saturday. We went to Matthiessen Park in Utica, IL. Gorgeous!! When he originally asked me to go, he mentioned, several times, we were going to be in a wooded area. Being the Smart Ass Extraordinaire that I am, I jokingly asked if he was planning on scattering my remains throughout the forest. Not really second date joking material, I know, but that’s how I roll. Luckily, his humor is just as ill as mine.

Yes. We are dorks and not only communicate via text & email,

but also Twitter, my most recent obsession.

@nikolspencer: Going hiking with The Boy today. Cross your fingers he doesn't scatter my remains throughout the "wooded" area. {Eyes dart around}

Caution tape in the middle of the forest?

Coincidence? Or Forshadowing?

{awkward hesitation}

@The Boy: {Tests his wood chipper}

@nikolspencer: Yeah. He got us lost.

@nikolspencer: Just in case

[stolen from The Boy]

[stolen from The Boy]

@nikolspencer: {wonders} I think he might be pregnant. I've never met man who has to pee so often.

@The Boy: @NikolSpencer I am worse when I drink.

No horses... or their friends allowed!

I see the begining of a funny face. No doubt humoring me and one of my jokes, I am sure.

[stolen from The Boy]

[stolen from The Boy]

[stolen from The Boy]

[stolen from The Boy]

[stolen from The Boy]

After the hike, we spent some time laughing over dinner. And I was able to quickly show The Boy just how giggly I can get after a strong drink.

@nikolspencer: Ftr, blackberry long island ice teas are really really strong. {giggle}{giggle}

Best inside joke of the day...

@The Boy: is sore in spots he didn’t know he had....damn my uterus aches.

We watched Role Models at his place and half of Hitch before I fell asleep. I woke up exactly the way I fell asleep, so its safe to say he's a pretty nice guy. He keeps me entertained and that's a hard thing to accomplish some days.

Thanks for the laughs, the little adventures and another fun Saturday, Boy. {winks}

I take my sugar with coffee and cream.

I've been randomly meeting someone for coffee, abusing Twitter and texting enough to wear down both my thumbnails, but this weekend marked another first for me. My official first date since picking up and dusting myself off. Saturday, I met up with The Boy. He's a friend of some of my best friends. We've met a handful of times prior to getting to know one another but all encounters were just minor blips on my radar. I realize now, that I was truly missing out by not getting to know him before. We were both either with someone else or just emotionally indisposed. I'm the Queen of Bad Timing, though. That seems to be another consistent phrase in all my previous relationships, "our timing was bad". Yeah. Yeah.

We laughed, talked and just got to know each other. Nothing monumental happened, but it was exactly what I was looking for. Contrary to what people seem to think about me, I don't need big fancy shows of appreciation or affection and I don't need activities to keep me entertained. I like people. I thrive on conversation. I exist on inward reflection and swoon over those mature enough to adequately express and share themselves. God, I sound like a character out of a Woody Allen movie, who coincidently... I am madly passionate about.

I've often been told I'm high maintenance and I don't disagree, but I'm not in the typical sense. I don't do spa days. Never had a manicure or a pedicure in my life. Last month was the first time my hair had been cut in a year. I couldn't give two shits about name brands... I don’t get the Coach hype. Seriously. I am an emotional person. I have a highly active brain and a mouth that's typically unhinged. I love listeners, but I bore myself after a while. Engage me. That's the only maintenance I require... and so far, he's doing a pretty damn good job of keeping up.

So, for all those who asked, I had fun and genuinely appreciate the role The Boy (as I will lovingly refer to him... at least until something more fitting pops into my head) has played in my life the past month. I can't tell you what I want, what I am looking for, what I expect ... or anything really... but I had a great time and it was nice to be seen again.