Chair on couch... aka Uninvited.

I am incredibly jealous of women who can exist in society without feeling the pressures of external sources to be, not just look, something more like "perfect."

I've never stood naked in front of a man. I've only showered with one man... And that was because he was nearly blind without his glasses. I hide parts of myself all the time because I fear what would be thought or said if the whole me was put out on display. And I am talking purely physical here. I have no problems baring my heart or mind. 

We are so careless with our words. So self-centered with our desires and needs that we rarely stop to fully take in how much of an impact we have on those around us. 

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized I never cut my hair, not because of the way I liked it, but because I had been conditioned to think that I would lose some level of attractiveness if I went short. My hair became my shield, if you will. And occasionally, without thinking, if the world becomes too heavy... It grows a foot or so before I realize the damage I'm putting on myself. 

I'm a walking wound, I suppose. 

I've spent a couple days digging through buried "treasures" and memories and I suppose some are refusing to stay buried.  I've been haunted by some from my not so distant past and I get caught up in the decisions and the why's. Never the what-ifs... I don't let myself get that far... 

But it is really hard to sleep at night with visions of yesterday still in your head. 

Define: Clear head.

I struggle with whether or not to keep this blog. It really is the silliest thing, but to me it's still very personal. Not only is it a quick, albeit incredibly narcissistic, way for me to blow off a little steam without really hurting anyone, giving me the opportunity of working out my demons and getting the little buggers out of my head... but it's all about me... insight into why I am "this girl... or that girl", it's about my accomplishments, my embarrassments  my hurts, losses... growths. The string of characters that surface in these posts have shaped me in ways I wouldn't have imagined and continue to do so. Certainly more than just a handful of moments of my adult life. So, how do you erase that?

My scars run deep. I know that and am aware of the damage they can inflict on other people. It's taken me years to come to terms with the relationship I had with my step-father... and the relationship I didn't have with my mother. I was an adult by the time I met my father and the person I thought I was suddenly ceased to exist.

I have loved... and loved hard... as is the Pisces custom. I have shed more tears than a proud woman like me cares to admit. But regardless, of my efforts, I always seemed to be caught up in a whirlwind of bad timing, insecurities and god-damn-its. This past year I broke something deep within me and have been struggling with the inborn desire to recoil and do as is custom and just be the "norm."

I quit my job. The job that was killing me and making me feel small. The job that was keeping me from my goals and stealing too much time from my children. I left the relationship that had turned on me. The relationship that brought out the ugliest side of me... the one I didn't even realize existed. The relationship that stole the last bit of my trust and filled a warehouse full of baggage... and I spent the summer finding myself.

I found myself trying new things, meeting new people... making amends with ghosts and lost loves from my past and realizing that all my dreams can come true... if I decide that's what I want. I found the courage to cut the painful bits and stand up to things in my life that were stealing too much of my time and sucking up my energy... and I haven't looked back in regret. I found myself. Completely free and without hesitation.

So, you see, this little blog of mine is tough to find a place for actively these days. Are there moments when I want to escape and rattle off some dramatic moment I am reminiscing over or an idea I am dwelling too much on? Hell yeah. Are there times when realizing my dreams feels completely overwhelming and I just want to curl up in the tub and sleep it off? Yes. Yes. Definitely, yes.

But I own this life. I get to say what happens to me, and I get to say where I go and I get to say what accomplishments I make. I also get to say who hurts me and how long I am going to deal with it. So, while I am not ready to "erase" all these little moments in my life and delete this blog, I just am not "here" anymore. I have finally moved on from so much of this and am making the decision every day to leave the pain and tears behind, because all that I need or want... I have. What else matters?

These days, I blog (or am starting to) over at www.NerdyGirlDesigns.com. Currently, I spend my days hanging out with my children and working from home establishing my life and businesses on the north side of Chicago. I own a photography business, specializing in lifestyle and event photography, which you can find here: Urban Exposure Photography and I own a design business, NerdyGirl Designs, specializing in branding, web design and social media marketing, which you can also follow on Facebook here.

I'd love to stay in touch with you... you've been a big supporter thus far in my life and I see no reason for us to part now. ;) Maybe this MoodyFingers blog will last the year, maybe longer... or maybe not. But either way... I'd love for you to share all the things I love and hold dear.

NerdyGirl Designs: Facebook  Twitter  Blog   Pinterest   Etsy
Urban Exposure Photography: Facebook

...were my pen not dry and my voice more eloquent.

Zac Brown Band - Last But Not Least

Meet me in Montauk.

The Xx - Angels 

Let your faith be bigger than your fear.

I will walk down memory lane...
because I love running into you.

I'd love to live on the beach... but they don't have a Walgreen's there.

Just can't seem to shake this one loose...

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

                                          -Robert Frost

The city settled down... the moon has won the war.

I knew 2012 would be better than 2011. It just had to be. There wasn't much further one could fall. Here we are mid October and I've butterflies in my stomach, for so many different reasons. In 2 weeks time my life will look completely different and I'm eagerly anticipating that change. It's a healthier state of mind, a happier heart and an honest way of being.

I'm ready... feet planted and I'm bracing for any storms... but I know now, that there isn't anything I can't get through.

... And this song found me this morning. My roots are calling me, I guess. I've spent more time with the country folk these past 2 months than I have in a good 2 years. It's my happy place... my comfort zone. I am a country girl at heart. You can blame it on all that Idaho I did in my younger years, I 'spose. ;)

Lady Antebellum - When You Got A Good Thing

Round 3. I drew a new face and I laughed.

They lied.

Time doesn't change everything.

And for that I am... elated.

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

If I'd have never known your name... I'd still be driving that old green Nova.

I've settled into my big gray hoodie and my country music. I am quite certain these things keep me safe. This week I've felt the cold chill of spindly fingers grasping at my neck and have made sure that comforts are never far. It has been a while since this feeling has creeped over me with such ferocious density. I could blame the cough I stole from someone else... or the schedules I've been keeping... the stress, oh momma... the stress, but ... I can't. Because I can't lie to myself. 

I wish I could find an eloquent way to describe this knot in my stomach. The why's and the how it got there's. I wholeheartedly believe that would make me feel better. A little verbal regurgitation... there's never any harm in that. Right... 

Fear. Breed by Vulnerability and shrouded in Shame and Insecurity. That's the best I can do. Sterile and technical. I used to despise Vulnerability. It's nasty little tendrils gripped fast and strong.  It wasn't until very recently that I was able to address that specific emotion for what it was. I just knew it as suffocating and overthrowing. It was only through the entanglement of a new presence in my life that I was able to realize it's name. The realization started with an occurrence... a situation... a complete 'uh-oh' moment. I began the recoiling process and started throwing things blindly in the dark from behind the fence I'd quickly built. But at some point, I took a deep breath and and stepped over the mess I was making and walked into the situation. 

You see, I have had this really nasty habit of just accepting certain situations and attitudes as they are, regardless of their effect on me. Of course... that can only last so long. Eventually, I implode at the re-occurrence of whatever disturbance is about and then eventually... I lose my mother loving mind. I snap. The air chills and I start scratching at anything near me. 

I spent the better part of last year discovering my inner darkness and confronting all of those monstrous parts we always fear lie within us. I do believe that was the most emotional strain I have ever encountered. It cannot happen again. I will not happen again. I cannot hold other people accountable for the way their actions effect me if I cannot express the pain it causes me to them... as it happens. Oh, the horror... openly expressing myself... my confusion... but... that would mean that I am displaying my insecurities... my fears... my vulnerability. I have never been able to do that...well, not until all those emotions have a thick shell of anger to hide behind. 

So, armed with this new awakening and still nursing my wounds, I stepped over that familiar mess, and I ousted myself. I laid out my insecurities. My jealousies. My struggles and my fears in my calmest of manners. I admitted my biggest faults and my weaknesses and waited for the door to slam. But instead... I was welcomed with the warmest hug and one of the first most authentic and real conversations I've ever known. Every hair follicle tingled. Every defense mechanism disarmed and that presence was right there and then, sealed to me in a way I'll always fail at communicating. Yes. Yes! This... this is what I have been wanting. Brutal honestly. Complete openness.  No shadows, no secret corners... just the most sacred bonding of understanding and complete acceptance. 

I sincerely love that presence and the effect it has on me, I just wish Everywhere had the same rules and Everyone understood the, albeit terrifying, but beautifully intense moments found while embracing ones vulnerability. I am imperfect and wired for struggle, as Brene says. I will always look for purpose and meaning in all my relationships and interactions. I am constantly looking for new ways to fall apart. It is through that process that I grow and through that growth I flourish. Being vulnerable is only my weakness if I treat it as such...

...but the most difficult part, is swallowing the fear and saying, "Fuck it. I am taking this risk. I am accepting these terrifying moments and I'm going to be grateful for them" that still stops me cold. Old habits are hard to kill and it's a struggle to not look at a significant piece of your past and think, but if I just let this time go and don't cause a conflict, I won't lose this. And oh, how I enjoy this... 

I am growing more and more afraid that I have been here... in this place... before, though. It never works well. It's just a matter of time, though, before I lose the fear and let the risk taking happen. It's a bittersweet, tortured state I keep finding myself in with him.

Nevermind. Forget it... just memories.

Today my Mom hit me.

Just out of the blue, for no obvious reason.

The other night I thought of her while in the midst of a completely surreal moment.

For a split second, that night, I made a mental note to tell her about it.

And then quickly boxed the realization that I can never again tell her about anything.

I guess, in my haste to box it, I forgot to make sure the lid was closed.

I miss my mother every day. Even after nearly a year. I do feel like there is something missing and I have a bittersweet love affair with the hope that someday I will stop reminding myself to tell her about things.

Someday, I'll let her go... But even as deep as it cuts, I really love having her so close right now.