Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts

If I'd have never known your name... I'd still be driving that old green Nova.

I've settled into my big gray hoodie and my country music. I am quite certain these things keep me safe. This week I've felt the cold chill of spindly fingers grasping at my neck and have made sure that comforts are never far. It has been a while since this feeling has creeped over me with such ferocious density. I could blame the cough I stole from someone else... or the schedules I've been keeping... the stress, oh momma... the stress, but ... I can't. Because I can't lie to myself.

I wish I could find an eloquent way to describe this knot in my stomach. The why's and the how it got there's. I wholeheartedly believe that would make me feel better. A little verbal regurgitation... there's never any harm in that. Right...

Fear. Breed by Vulnerability and shrouded in Shame and Insecurity. That's the best I can do. Sterile and technical. I used to despise Vulnerability. It's nasty little tendrils gripped fast and strong. It wasn't until very recently that I was able to address that specific emotion for what it was. I just knew it as suffocating and overthrowing. It was only through the entanglement of a new presence in my life that I was able to realize it's name. The realization started with an occurrence... a situation... a complete 'uh-oh' moment. I began the recoiling process and started throwing things blindly in the dark from behind the fence I'd quickly built. But at some point, I took a deep breath and and stepped over the mess I was making and walked into the situation.

You see, I have had this really nasty habit of just accepting certain situations and attitudes as they are, regardless of their effect on me. Of course... that can only last so long. Eventually, I implode at the re-occurrence of whatever disturbance is about and then eventually... I lose my mother loving mind. I snap. The air chills and I start scratching at anything near me.

I spent the better part of last year discovering my inner darkness and confronting all of those monstrous parts we always fear lie within us. I do believe that was the most emotional strain I have ever encountered. It cannot happen again. I will not happen again. I cannot hold other people accountable for the way their actions effect me if I cannot express the pain it causes me to them... as it happens. Oh, the horror... openly expressing myself... my confusion... but... that would mean that I am displaying my insecurities... my fears... my vulnerability. I have never been able to do that...well, not until all those emotions have a thick shell of anger to hide behind.

So, armed with this new awakening and still nursing my wounds, I stepped over that familiar mess, and I ousted myself. I laid out my insecurities. My jealousies. My struggles and my fears in my calmest of manners. I admitted my biggest faults and my weaknesses and waited for the door to slam. But instead... I was welcomed with the warmest hug and one of the first most authentic and real conversations I've ever known. Every hair follicle tingled. Every defense mechanism disarmed and that presence was right there and then, sealed to me in a way I'll always fail at communicating. Yes. Yes! This... this is what I have been wanting. Brutal honestly. Complete openness. No shadows, no secret corners... just the most sacred bonding of understanding and complete acceptance.

I sincerely love that presence and the effect it has on me, I just wish Everywhere had the same rules and Everyone understood the, albeit terrifying, but beautifully intense moments found while embracing ones vulnerability. I am imperfect and wired for struggle, as Brene says. I will always look for purpose and meaning in all my relationships and interactions. I am constantly looking for new ways to fall apart. It is through that process that I grow and through that growth I flourish. Being vulnerable is only my weakness if I treat it as such...

...but the most difficult part, is swallowing the fear and saying, "Fuck it. I am taking this risk. I am accepting these terrifying moments and I'm going to be grateful for them" that still stops me cold. Old habits are hard to kill and it's a struggle to not look at a significant piece of your past and think, but if I just let this time go and don't cause a conflict, I won't lose this. And oh, how I enjoy this...

I am growing more and more afraid that I have been here... in this place... before, though. It never works well. It's just a matter of time, though, before I lose the fear and let the risk taking happen. It's a bittersweet, tortured state I keep finding myself in with him.

Life is imaginary. It's your dreams that are real.

Laughter really is the best medicine... and its cheaper than hair plugs.

After another exchange of awkward texts today, involving a very ill received compliment, I opened my Google Reader to pour through the several hundred blogs I browse... for inspiration... for clarity... for distraction.

Forgive my bad taste in humor, but I laughed out loud when this article popped up.

How to Take a Compliment

by Rigel Celeste

Compliments are a part of life, and although you might not always feel you deserve them learning to accept a compliment graciously is a life skill you'll never regret.

Be grateful The best thing you can do when someone compliments you is to simply say 'thank you.' And smile, because smiles work wonders.

Reciprocate if and when appropriate. If you've just won an amazing award you can say "thank you" and leave it that, but if it's something simpler like a friend complimenting your new haircut say thank you and then return the favor by complimenting her scarf or new shade of lipstick.

Don't argue or try to invalidate the compliment. For example if someone says "Good job!" don't counter with "I could have done better." Accept the compliment for what it is and don't make people work to get their point across.

Be sincere Be genuine in your response, not absent-minded or mechanical. Really mean it when you say thank you, and if/when you compliment them in return.

People sometimes feel that when they accept a compliment it makes them seem self-centered or arrogant, but really when people argue or negate positive acknowledgments they just come off as insecure, uninterested, or rude even. It's much better to be a well-rounded, balanced individual that can appreciate when someone is making a kind gesture.

One fine day to be... nude.

Honestly, I'm feeling a little burned out today. A little more vulnerable. And I hate it here. I need a pick me up tonight.

Its a sad awakening when one realizes the locks and chains around their beating heart. Humbling when one realizes the effect it has on someone they care about. Embarrassing when efforts to change go unnoticed. I'm probably just doing it wrong. Yeah, that's it. Patience, I guess... that's the only word that my limp brain can muster right now.

I've never been comfortable in my "patient pants"... and even if I were... I'm sure they wouldn't fit right now anyways.

Like brail written on my skin... you're but a piece of me now.

Have I ever told you about my dear Calvin? We met while I was in 7th grade. He was in 9th. The first time I saw him, we were at the bus stop. Early fall morning. He was sitting alone against the brick wall of the elementary school with a binder in his lap... faded jeans and a well loved hoodie.

I was a completely different person then… quiet and awkward, afraid of my own shadow. So, the thought of actually talking to him never crossed my mind. Have you ever met someone and just knew there was something great about them, something unspoken that you just had to be a part of? That was Calvin. His eyes gave him away...

By the end of the school year, we had started talking... mainly; I just made stupid remarks about his hair or his sweater... anything to get him to notice me. I can't really recall what the conversations were about and I never really knew a lot about him. He carried comic books and magic cards and his eyes held a mischievous innocence that mesmerized me. Those were the only truths I knew about him.

His grandparents lived a block from the bus stop and on my way home, so he would humor me and let me walk with him. Occasionally, he would even let me sit with him on the bus. And to repay him and show him how much I adored him, I filled condoms with water, froze them and threw them at him. That was the last day of school... and the last time I saw him. Yeah... I've always been a little awkward around the boys. Sigh...

A couple summers ago, I was digging around MySpace, looking up the friends of my childhood and since he was one of those that I was never able to wash from my mind, I unearthed him. We know each other better now than ever before... I know he crosses my mind a lot. There are just certain people in your life that come in, get under your skin and crawl there for an eternity. He's coming to visit me in a month. This will be the first time I have seen him in 15 years and if I don't cry when I see him it will be a miracle.

I wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you there is a part of me that's worried that the ease and comfort we've grown accustomed to will not exist in person. Two years we've weaved our way through the internets getting to know one another... Calvin's one of my best friends. Someone I'm comfortable telling anything to and someone I wish I could spend more time with. But the idea of having him close enough to touch is kind of scaring the shit out of me...

But it’s ok. I'm not mad at the feeling.

{Skips away}

Re: What the hell is wrong with you?

Sigh. I wonder if I will ever reach the point in life where I can just sit and wait... without casting that first stone. Without my preemptive self-defenses. Without so many hesitations... and just enjoy the journey and the discoveries.

I'm like that overgrown child, anxiously sitting in front of the Christmas tree, days before presents are due to be opened, assessing the situation, shaking and trying to unravel the mystery of what's inside. In fact once, I took an exacto knife to a friends gift because I needed to see what I'd gotten in order to decided what to give them. It sounds far more damaging that it really is... it was a delicate situation and I sought help under that tree.

Now that I'm an "adult", I find myself doing the same thing with men. Within 5 minutes of conversation, I determine their respective place in my social world... present or not. 5 minutes? Most men haven't stopped staring at your chest by then, let alone really begin to unravel themselves.

Great... now I have guilt.

Just one more single momma with a lot on her mind.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about other people. More specifically, their opinions about how we raise our children as single parents. I've been sitting on this post for a couple weeks and Ms Single Mama beat me to the punch the other day with her brilliant post, My Decision. Once again, we seem to be living in parallel universes. I guess at some point we all encounter this situation… single parents or not. Someone, somewhere always has an opinion about how you’re raising your child and the ways in which you are failing.

I became virtually introduced to Ms Single Mama a couple years ago when she first started blogging… blogging about raising her little boy alone. At the time, my daughter was very little and I was merely emotionally alone. I had a partner, who was doing the best he could. I just couldn’t see it. Becoming a mother was the scariest and most brilliant moment of my life and I sought refuge and gained strength and insight from her words.

I’ve been blogging for a while… December 2006, I believe was my first post. It originated from the notion of keeping family and friends on the west coast apprised of the change and discoveries within our life here in Chicago, but actually turned out to be a door to one of the greatest support systems I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve a handful of friends who get all dreamy when they think about raising their kids alone… no partner to appease, come and go as you please, etc. It makes me laugh when they see it as something glamorous. Wasn’t it just a few years ago being a single mother was the equivalent of wearing the Scarlet A?

Truth is there isn’t much that’s easy about this. There’s the balance between work and home – working just enough to keep the electricity on and still spend quality time with your kid. Questions you’re not ready to answer – why doesn’t daddy live here? The constant wonder of how your decisions will shape their future. And then there’s the dating. And most of us just give up on it. But then when we’ve no date for Thanksgiving dinner we’re up against all the looks and the age-old idea that a child needs two live-in parents in order to result in a healthy functioning member of society. It’s exhausting. But it’s still the best damn job I’ve ever had.

This blog of mine has now become my little corner of the world where I say what I want about whom and rant about the things that aggravate me and work through any lingering questions or emotions I might have while showing off the best of me; my daughter. It’s unrealistic to think that this blog accurately exemplifies my everyday life. It is simply the Swiss cheese representation. There are literally 2 maybe 3 other people in my life who get the rest of the “cheese”, if you will. They know the background stories; why becoming a mother was so scary for me; they know why, when and whom raised my emotional wall and they are fully aware of what it will take to tear it down, they see the interaction with my daughter, they know her and how stable and amazing she is. Point is… these are people who get it… the work, the dedication, the sacrifices, the emotional strain and triumph these Spencer girls have gone through.

Sure, I put my stories out here, let everyone draw their conclusions… and some fail to see the whole picture and take things at face value. But then there are the others, that read, ask and interact… and it’s your selflessness, intelligence and compassion that I love about this whole adventure. There are always nay-sayers, people who attack with prejudice and inexperience. There are always those that don’t understand your vision and appreciate your struggles… and being the stubborn woman that I am with the schedule that I maintain, I’ve just no time or patience for such arrogance.

Insecurity raises my defenses, but Ms Single Mama said it best in her post ‘when you’re up against a pre-conceived image of yourself how do you fight that?’ I’m a damn good mother and I’m not going to live in fear of a few sideways opinions. My daughter is healthy, happy and loves life. She’s intelligent and compassionate, stubborn and strong-willed. She’s resilient. Just like her mommy. And that’s the way... uh huh uh huh… I like it.

Hugs to all my readers; supporters and otherwise. You all keep me going… even if it is in different ways.

Earning my stripes.

I continue to give props to my friend The Gentleman who once suggested I like holding onto old skeltons. This one statement of his started a revolution within me. His rare honesty, willingness to pull back the layers and the humility to look past the fight... make my knees weak and inspire me often to change my mindset. I'm pretty sure he was born riding a white horse.

I’ve often been called an elitist, heck… I think I’ve even described my actions that way. Some even tell me initially they were intimidated by me and found me stuck up. Truth is I really am none of those things. I just tend to keep to myself if you’re not amusing or intriguing me. Ok… I am a bit of an elitist. Point is this behavior of mine tends to give me a lot of thinking time. Often people scare me because I will be so deep in thought, or rather, conversation with myself, I don’t even notice them in front of me.

Lately, I’ve been rolling around a couple conversations I’ve had with Carl. Each one he’s basically said the same thing; I broke his heart and he never felt I was “in it” with him. For the longest time, I’ve been beating myself up about the way we came to be who we are to one another today… mere acquaintances. During my latest conversation with myself I had an epiphany… I need to get these thoughts out of my head and continue cleaning those skeletons out of my closet. Bear with me here…

Dear Carl,

I am posting this letter to you here because you’ve pulled the plug on our friendship... yet again and I also know you no longer come here.

[World, welcome to my passive-aggressive moment.]

You were caught breaking your own rules and with this new decision of yours I’ve had to fight the urge to tell you just how hypocritical and immature your actions were. Truth is, I would never tell you this, because regardless of everything, I meant all I said. You’ve sat by and let me beat myself up over things I did for the best interest of my daughter and myself, yet until 3 weeks ago, you were enjoying your cake and eating it, too. Lunches with the ex and dinners with the new girl. Rock on, playa. Honestly, I hold no grudges, though.

I missed you… missed us and was willing to deal with the consequences of my actions, because it still gave me a little more time with you. I still have the emails, a random voice mail, Uncle Daryl, the memories were we seem so real I would swear I could touch us. Remember, the freezing cold walk we took to the grocery store for root beer floats and when we got home, cuddled under the blankets to get warm and fell asleep forgetting all about the ice cream? Or the time we missed the train four times in one morning. I just finished the last of the lotion left over from our stay at the Westin and I still get the email alerts every time your favorite local band is playing.

The reason all of this bothers me so, is each time I talked to you about the dissolution of us, you lead me to believe I broke your heart. You cried. You begged. You told me how angry and of the mess you became because of it. Swore I was one of two girls you said those three little words too… the other being your ex wife. Yet, within two weeks of our parting, you had another girlfriend… not just dates… a girlfriend. And then you finally came clean about that old flame. And that’s ok… I already knew about her.

At our lunches, we would sit and talk about where we are now, what we’re doing and how we maintain our sanity. You would always ask “are you seeing anyone?” To which I mostly replied “no”. You would then say the thing that irritates me the most… “Well… someday you’ll find some guy who will appreciate you and then you’ll be happy”.

And I realize all over again, you still don’t get it and you probably never will. Your tone alleged that you felt sorry for me. There’s no reason for that. I am happy. Now. Right now. I don’t need someone else to define me… in a way I guess I needed to prove that to myself. I cared about where we talked about going too much to destroy it the way I’d done in the past. I needed to heal and work that out of myself before I could move on to an “us”. And if I rip off all the layers, you are a large part of why I stepped outside the circle of new boys, too.

For someone you found it so easy to say ‘I love you’ to, it was even easier to replace me. During our lunches, I would look at you and often wonder if you were happy… truly happy. You wouldn’t look me in the eye very long, but your eyes never seemed to sparkle the same… maybe they do when you look at her. I guess now, I’ll never have to worry about finding the courage to ask you.

My best… always,

Jerkface.

Leaving shadows... heavy shadows.

[Disclaimer: This post has been laying around my apartment, in the form of random note sheets and various text messages, since the first week of August. My. My. My. What a slacker I have turned out to be. No real reason, other than lacking in time. So, please don’t read into that… and now… back to August 4, 2009.]

So, today I received a message from The Boy today telling me he’d quit social networking and was venturing out into the real world. Kudos. High five. Good for him.

We decided the best place for him was helping keep my friend bench warm. As I’ve told him before, I’m not sure what I’m looking for so I like this arrangement better... fewer expectations, assumptions and rules.

He then texted me to confess he never thought we would have worked out anyways. Ok. Now you have my attention. Was I about to get an honest confession or simply a response filled with insecurity and anger, like so many before?

Him: You seem fixated on raising your daughter alone and more power to you and just based on what I’ve read and talked to you about, you don’t seem to be ready to settle down and honestly if you’re happy that’s all that matters. Plus, I don’t really get some aspects of your life and I don’t make judgments but some of them make me uncomfortable. I realize J was there when Addi was born and I realize he helped raise her for a year. Just seems weird that he still watches and picks her up, etc. He’s not her real parent and I just wonder if in 3 years he has kids of his own and finds out he doesn’t have time for her, how it will adversely affect her.

{Scratches head} Uhm.

For starters, I don’t want to raise my daughter alone… but I’m not going to let just anyone help in this. You don’t get a do-over and I see the ways in which my childhood has left its scars and I wish someone had taken a little more care with that. In a way, yes, Boy, you are correct. Until I find someone I trust with all of me, daughter included, I will remain fixated on raising her alone… which also answers, why I do not seem ready to settle down.

It’s the J aspect I really want to discuss. I’d be over the moon with some input here, too, from the parents that have been here, are struggling with this too. Heck, even if you’re not and you’ve got something to contribute to this… do it. You will totally make my day. [How’s that for soliciting comments?]

J is not Addi’s father. He was my best friend and roommate when she was born. Her father and I were separated. Both were in the room the day she was born. The day after her birth, a much quieter and sincere version of J appeared in my hospital room, to tell me he wanted to help me… help me raise my daughter. And that he loved me. Gorgeous baby and the man of dreams in less than 24 hours? I don’t remember what I said, but I’m certain I muttered and spoke as eloquent as a chimp reading Spanish upside down.

That was it. For nearly two years, both her father and J walked and worked side by side with me taking care of Addison… sometimes picking up more than their share when I was overwhelmed and losing balance. To her, J was just as much a father as her own. I genuinely believe he loves her and would do just as much for her as he would his own.

When J and I broke up and I moved out, the first 2 months were brutal on both Addi and I. She often stood, forehead pressed against our glass door, looking for him. Asking where he was and even crying for him. Regardless of any differences that J and I have had, he maintains a relationship with Addison and doesn’t treat her any differently than he ever has. I believe we have all settled into a much more comfortable place with the roles we play in one another’s life and I greatly value the influence J is on Addison.

So, with the significantly condensed version of the relationship between them, how can I cut that? Why would I want to? How selfish that would be on my part to take that away from her. J still is a great friend of mine, and yes, for the 3 guys that made it past date 1, he was always a problem. I understand their concern and even understand the twinge of jealousy, but if we all have the same interests at heart; one being her happiness, it seems selfish and immature of them to not understand the need for that relationship to continue… its not about me and him… its about her and him.

Are there any parents that have been in this situation or something similar present? I would love advice, criticism…thoughts in general on this. Am I really being too idealistic here? Can we all co-exist peacefully?

[Footnote: The Boy’s honesty and integrity is amazing. I appreciate the angle from which he views things and for this reason, he will always be ranked high on my friend list.]

Jade and various other shades of green.

I’ve had a couple interesting conversations this past week with both Carl and Flannigan. We discussed several commonplace topics. And rehashed what still feels like open wounds.

Recalling these conversations now, I can’t help but wonder: does hindsight cloud our judgment? Is the sense of loss sometimes so great that when looking back, we instantly don rose tinted lenses and remember things better than they in fact were? Or is it that while looking back, after the embers have cooled, one can genuinely see the errors of their way and can at once experience genuine regret and loss?

All around me I see and hear about relationships quote end quote failing. I’ve been tossing around the idea that perhaps I bring that plague on them… but I digress. Point: Where are all these happy couples us single people are supposed to be jealous of? {Insert disconcerting look here}

Is it simply that they’ve all forgotten what its like to not have their partner/spouse/16 cats? Why do we hold those that we love to such incredibly impossible standards yet feign shock and awe when we’re let down?

Would things have been so different for me if someone had given me my advice? “This is your life. Right here. Right now. It doesn’t wait for you to get your shit together.” Poignant, huh? I’m going to stitch it on a pillow.

They’re all missing the moments now, by holding each other to these impossible beliefs and standards that the Nicholas Sparks’ and whomever wrote that dreadful Twilight series have placed in everyone’s heads.

Be blessed you have someone by your side, willing to put up with all the crazy that is you. They’re genuinely hard to find.

And… please take my advice, when you do find them, make sure they ‘feel’ it.

/rant {trips as she jumps off soapbox}

We might as well be strangers...

A long overdue conversation started last night. Part of me is a little embarassed that I said some of the things I did... spilled the proverbial beans, if you will. But at the end of the day, I think it was time. Perhaps, this will give greater understanding to why I approach him the way I do, why the sensitivities exist and at the end of this conversation, I hope we can walk away with a little deeper understanding of one another.

The following landed in my reader this morning... the cosmos are watching me and its about freaking time they stopped hating me.

PISCES: February 19 - March 20th

Today brings at least one new way of seeing your situation -- one that feels more balanced! It's a great day to start to feel normal again after a long period of wondering where you were headed.

It's not you… it is me.

He said to me, "do you know what I always got out having sex with you those last few months? It was the closest I could get to you without getting damaged."

There are no words to string together for a response to that. So, I sat and cried… and thinking about it now, that’s still the only response I can muster. I’m swallowing the largest piece of humble pie right now. I’m an incredibly stubborn woman. I’m an incredibly guarded woman. I’ve always known this about myself, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized I was actually hurting myself more by hiding behind these walls.

And right now…
"I feel like none of this is real. I pretend that my heart and my head are well but if the blood pumping through my veins could freeze like a river in Toronto, then I'd be pleased." - Camera Obscura: Forest and Sand

All these skeletons coming out of my closet and its not even Halloween yet.

The Gentleman recently suggested I like holding onto old skeletons. It knocked something loose and I can’t stop thinking about these circles I seem to keep moving in between. I’ve never done much of a background on any of the names I keep dropping, so I’m taking the opportunity to not only give you the 411 on the men who’ve been keeping my senses engaged this past year, but to hopefully clarify the role each plays and why they are so important in my life.

The Candy Man: Part 1

I’m starting with the Candy Man because he just came back from a short hiatus. We met up Friday for an impromptu catch-up. I really didn’t expect to ever hear from him again, let alone see him again. Our meet up consisted of dinner at a diner by his house and a scary movie. At dinner we talked about the various things we’ve done over the last few months; people we’ve met and dated. He seems to be nursing a minor wound from the last one.

He asked me via text a couple weeks ago if I found him to be needy and controlling. Needy? No, I replied laughing. The polar opposite… at least with me. I felt like I had to force him to see me sometimes… or that I was getting in the way, at the very least. Not a good feeling. He is one of the most ambiguous men I’ve ever met. He is also an incredibly social person and given the position I was in last summer, I couldn’t understand where he was coming from. I answered him honestly during that phone conversation and told him I found him to be evasive, aloof and emotionally unavailable. He took it with the best of spirits and we continued our phone conversation.

Turnabout’s fair play and I love constructive criticism. Twice I’ve been left wondering what the hell was going on and where he’d run off to. Okay, once... was my certainly my fault. I’ll step up to the plate for that one. Creating a fake person to spy on someone is not the best way to encourage a budding “relationship.” He said he didn’t have enough time during the phone call to explain it. We said our goodbyes and I hung up shaking my head.

I sat on the question because I wanted to see his response. I can read people better than I can do just about anything. I spent my childhood from the sidelines perfecting this. He squirmed in his seat and played with his food while trying to answer. I couldn’t help but smile and miss him a little more watching this. You see, I will admit we were awkward the second time. Queen of Bad Timing stumbled upon the King. I was dealing with Carl, Flannigan and Naxx when he popped back up.

To this day I don’t know that I could pick one over the other. Each holds a different key and has traits and ideals that are highly attractive to me.

Carl held my complete trust. Never have I been as confident and comfortable around another man. He was also one of my best friends, was amazing with my daughter and treated me like heaven. He was also the most emotionally stable man I have ever been with.

Flannigan held the key to my family unit. He was amazing with my daughter, intelligent, motivated, eloquent, and emotionally intense. I hope he will always be one of my best friends.

Naxx is the only man I have met that was completely 100% honest with me. He had an amazing ability to analyze, evaluate and express his needs and desires… about anything. He was also sexually explorative and elaborative and I loved the challenge.

Candy Man is certainly the only man alive who completely understands my sense of humor. He’s incredibly motivated and industrious. He has a huge heart that so many miss given his sense of humor and his barriers. I would go so far as to say he is the male version of me… and seeing him after this most recent break, I am able to understand where he’s coming a lot better.

Wow. /rant

Most of that was unnecessary, but the point is he makes me nervous. In both and good bad ways. His answer to my question “what was so wrong with me” was “nothing”. He went on to explain that he tends to choose the women he feels need to be fixed and that he knows will fail and that wasn’t how he saw me. He also said he wasn’t sure what I had wanted out of the last time, but he got the impression I wanted more and he implied that scared him. I couldn’t give him an answer, because I couldn’t tell you now what I wanted then.

My first instinct was to call bullshit. But let’s pretend that is the honest truth… then I was right and he is emotionally unavailable… which means I am most likely setting myself up for failure again? Which, perfectly explains why I am so attracted to this man. Let’s say he is full of it and was just too sensitive to be honest with me. Well, why’s he back again?

I have a stalker? Sweet.

Hey, hot blonde girl. I can see you.

You must have questions, or else you wouldn't be here. I don't like playing with middlemen... too many things get lost in translation. Want to know? Ask me.

I don't bite... hard.

Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side...and don't be stingy, baby.

And today I feel... challenged. Conversations within both my personal and professional environments have left sour tastes in my mouth. I'm crossing my fingers I can keep my verbal vomit reflex under control today.

"Learn to pick your battles."

I can't tell you how many times I've heard that in my lifetime. I had an ex who loved to tell me that and I hated it, because I kept thinking, why do I have to pick? If it's something I feel sincerely upset about shouldn't I be able to discuss that? So, it was especially awesome when I was driving home on this rainy Sunday morning and realized... I need to learn to pick my battles.

Is there a speedy coarse that one can take on learning the ability to keep her mouth shut and her fingers still? Sometimes, I just get myself so worked up over the simplest things and inevitably do something I regret later. Believe it or not, I am getting better about this. Much much better...

Channeling Naxx and my inner three year old.

I like to believe in the cliche that when one door closes, two more open in its place. Admittedly, it’s hard to hang onto that notion when it feels so much of what you are doing is in vain. Everything you’ve done and been up to this point defines who you are, right? I've been learning a lot more about myself... I'd like to think I could even go so far as to say I know what I am looking for and I’m not afraid to ask for it. But the terrible truth is that I know absolutely nothing and sometimes feel considerably lost.

I'm a little furious right now. A little curious, exhausted, annoyed... but most of all, I'm hurt and confused. Why invest in something that is just going to keep changing? Someone who keeps pulling away?

{Sigh} Why didn't I read this sooner?

PISCES: February 19 - March 20th
Speak in generalities today and try not to corner yourself into taking a hard position on anything. If you can get away with wishy-washiness, you are sure to be able to ride out the coming weirdness.

Do Unto Others...

My head is a blur of emotions and confusion right now. Someday maybe everything will come to the surface and I can accurately explain where I am coming from. I've got some stories to share and maybe you can see the reason for the flip-flopping that has taken place in my head over the last few months.

Tonight, though, I plan on blathering on about two movies I just watched. Wristcutters and Smart People. Very different movies with one major thing in common,...beyond the obvious love story. Both were about absorbing your surroundings and appreciating the finer things, whether its a family member, life or a lover. Wristcutters is a love story that takes place in the afterlife. It takes dying to find his true love and beauty in even the ugliest of places. Smart People was more of a typical love story... bitter widower meets attractive nurse... mends relationships with family and coworkers to find happiness and renewed sense of life.

Truth be told, I am not a huge fan of watching movies by myself, yet with scheduling and priority conflicts, I ended up watching both alone. I like to have someone to discuss the movie with... plot dissection, character development, directors ability... whatever comes to mind. Its a bonding experience, really. Just like all those mixed tapes I pass around. The songs are all personal and chosen just for you.

You might not know it yet, but I can talk... and talk whatever it is to death. You don't find many people interested and capable of carrying on such conversations. I had such a friend once, and I will miss him always. Someday, I will tell you of him and my journey to bring him back into my life... it's going to take some work, but I can say with certainty that he is the one person I don't want to live with out. He was and will always be my best friend... Lets call him Sivar. He'll know who he is. Ok, so I digress. Stop gasping in mock horror...

My biggest conflict with someone close to me now is having the desire to talk about something... anything of substance. I know it can be done... just doesn't seem to happen with me... anymore. I blame lack of trust, but deep down, I am afraid it is more than that. Desire, maybe. It hurts, I'm not going to lie.

I am a seeker and I expect the same of my friends. I shouldn't have to come to you and pull everything out of you. And vice versa. I guarantee I leave little contained. My favorite character in Smart People was Chuck Wetherhold, the adopted "loser" brother of the main character. At one point he was talking to his brother and explained that Lawrence, the brother, was so wrapped up in himself that he wasn't paying attention to anyone else around him and how he was affecting them. Lawrence became defensive and responded, no one told me they were upset. Chuck's response, why didn't you ask? Why must everyone come to you? Simple, I know... but its that message that I wish I could wrap up in a box with a note saying, This was written just for you.

The Scars You've Loved.

I think I am being visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present & Future.

Moody Fingers...

{tweet.tweet}