Round 3. I drew a new face and I laughed.

They lied.

Time doesn't change everything.

And for that I am... elated.

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

If I'd have never known your name... I'd still be driving that old green Nova.

I've settled into my big gray hoodie and my country music. I am quite certain these things keep me safe. This week I've felt the cold chill of spindly fingers grasping at my neck and have made sure that comforts are never far. It has been a while since this feeling has creeped over me with such ferocious density. I could blame the cough I stole from someone else... or the schedules I've been keeping... the stress, oh momma... the stress, but ... I can't. Because I can't lie to myself. 

I wish I could find an eloquent way to describe this knot in my stomach. The why's and the how it got there's. I wholeheartedly believe that would make me feel better. A little verbal regurgitation... there's never any harm in that. Right... 

Fear. Breed by Vulnerability and shrouded in Shame and Insecurity. That's the best I can do. Sterile and technical. I used to despise Vulnerability. It's nasty little tendrils gripped fast and strong.  It wasn't until very recently that I was able to address that specific emotion for what it was. I just knew it as suffocating and overthrowing. It was only through the entanglement of a new presence in my life that I was able to realize it's name. The realization started with an occurrence... a situation... a complete 'uh-oh' moment. I began the recoiling process and started throwing things blindly in the dark from behind the fence I'd quickly built. But at some point, I took a deep breath and and stepped over the mess I was making and walked into the situation. 

You see, I have had this really nasty habit of just accepting certain situations and attitudes as they are, regardless of their effect on me. Of course... that can only last so long. Eventually, I implode at the re-occurrence of whatever disturbance is about and then eventually... I lose my mother loving mind. I snap. The air chills and I start scratching at anything near me. 

I spent the better part of last year discovering my inner darkness and confronting all of those monstrous parts we always fear lie within us. I do believe that was the most emotional strain I have ever encountered. It cannot happen again. I will not happen again. I cannot hold other people accountable for the way their actions effect me if I cannot express the pain it causes me to them... as it happens. Oh, the horror... openly expressing myself... my confusion... but... that would mean that I am displaying my insecurities... my fears... my vulnerability. I have never been able to do that...well, not until all those emotions have a thick shell of anger to hide behind. 

So, armed with this new awakening and still nursing my wounds, I stepped over that familiar mess, and I ousted myself. I laid out my insecurities. My jealousies. My struggles and my fears in my calmest of manners. I admitted my biggest faults and my weaknesses and waited for the door to slam. But instead... I was welcomed with the warmest hug and one of the first most authentic and real conversations I've ever known. Every hair follicle tingled. Every defense mechanism disarmed and that presence was right there and then, sealed to me in a way I'll always fail at communicating. Yes. Yes! This... this is what I have been wanting. Brutal honestly. Complete openness.  No shadows, no secret corners... just the most sacred bonding of understanding and complete acceptance. 

I sincerely love that presence and the effect it has on me, I just wish Everywhere had the same rules and Everyone understood the, albeit terrifying, but beautifully intense moments found while embracing ones vulnerability. I am imperfect and wired for struggle, as Brene says. I will always look for purpose and meaning in all my relationships and interactions. I am constantly looking for new ways to fall apart. It is through that process that I grow and through that growth I flourish. Being vulnerable is only my weakness if I treat it as such...

...but the most difficult part, is swallowing the fear and saying, "Fuck it. I am taking this risk. I am accepting these terrifying moments and I'm going to be grateful for them" that still stops me cold. Old habits are hard to kill and it's a struggle to not look at a significant piece of your past and think, but if I just let this time go and don't cause a conflict, I won't lose this. And oh, how I enjoy this... 

I am growing more and more afraid that I have been here... in this place... before, though. It never works well. It's just a matter of time, though, before I lose the fear and let the risk taking happen. It's a bittersweet, tortured state I keep finding myself in with him.

I'm an artist... torture is a prerequisite.

Right here... at the tips of my fingers lie worlds of thoughts that refuse to materialize. I write and I delete. Write and delete. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.

I am not myself, you see. I'm acting out of order. Losing my footing. It's been a lovely fall, but the thoughts are kicking in. The doubts. The wondering. The anticipation. That always does me in. The fluttering butterflies can last against my skin for only so long before I start to question when they'll fade. I curse my inner cynic.

I'm not exactly sure where I would start... or even what I would say... I'm getting nervous. I'm just scared, I guess. There's a lot of cracks here and I just... would hate to slip into one.

So...I'm interested. In the possibility. In the unknown. 

[Title quote courtesy of Dawson's Creek... yes... Dawson's Creek]

I just can't listen to any more Wagner. I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

All evening I've been recalling the day's conversations, things I should have said... shouldn't have said... questions answered... ideas born...concerns rising; replaying events and over analyzing anything my mind will focus on. Because, yes. I need one more thing to do. 

There's a sort of unraveling happening these days. The bandages are being removed and soon the scarred aftermath will be all that remains. My heads a flutter, yet my mouth rarely moves and my fingers peck away at mere gibberish. I have lost my voice. Lost it. Long ago and I fear the struggle to regain it. God. I hate cliches, but they're so thick in the air these days. It's hard to breathe without catching one or two.

Tonight, I am raising my pretentious coffee mug and smug eyebrows with the sentiment that new chapters are a good thing. Change is a good thing. It is. And I have to embrace it entirely.

So, cheers, my dear.

[Title quote via Woody Allen]

Catching Conversations

I believe trust to be my biggest hurdle in life. I can blindly trust pure strangers, but after a conversation or two... Doubt creeps in. And oh, how it creeps. With its heavy steps and its hearty breath. 

I'm not sure I can say I've ever trusted anyone completely after a handful of conversations, let alone months and months of relationships. 

Wait. I take that back. There is one woman I trust completely. And it didn't start that way. Perhaps, it's her history. Or her brazenness. But I never doubt she has my best interests at heart when giving her opinion or trudging through the mud that is me. I guess you might say I love her, in as platonic a way one woman could another.

Relationships are murky. Mine especially. I have the best of intentions. But I jump too fast, I fear. I am blindsided by the seductive waters and their turbulent nature. The thrill breeds butterflies and their careless nature is ever so appealing. 

Innocence is lost upon our first breaths. Nothing is ever without change and consequence, is it?

Honesty... honestly.

I’m afraid some of these days. A lot of these days, I guess. Surrendering yourself to someone is delicate. What if they’re thoughtless with your heart? What if your words wear thin? What if their embers cool?

Oh, the things I used to stress about. The things I used to try and control.   

God… it’s ironic what happens when you give up control. 

Charlotte Sometimes: How I Could Just Kill A Man

And though it was salt water, there was something 'bout the way it tasted so familiar.

Josh Ritter - Change of Time

One fine day to be... nude.

Honestly, I'm feeling a little burned out today. A little more vulnerable. And I hate it here. I need a pick me up tonight.

Its a sad awakening when one realizes the locks and chains around their beating heart. Humbling when one realizes the effect it has on someone they care about. Embarrassing when efforts to change go unnoticed. I'm probably just doing it wrong. Yeah, that's it. Patience, I guess... that's the only word that my limp brain can muster right now. 

I've never been comfortable in my "patient pants"... and even if I were... I'm sure they wouldn't fit right now anyways.

My {slightly delayed} 10 Honest Things

I was tagged a couple... whoa... a month ago by @singlemomma_cc aka Not Your Average Single Momma aka total knock your socks off rock star mom. How freaking awesome!

{slides across kitchen in her knee socks}

The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, someone brilliant.

10 Honest Things…
ok.
{folds hands and cracks knuckles}

1. I never leave my house without my journal and my camera. Life throws the most random things at us and I know someday I’m not going to remember as much as I want, but this way, I’ll have pictures and little scraps of paper to remind me of the things that made me laugh and cry.

2. From the time I was about 10 years old, I’ve always pictured my life the same way… me and a little girl, walking hand in hand through a big city. Until September 15, 2006 I just assumed it was a metaphor.

3. When life has handed me more than I care to deal with, I put my headphones on and sit in my bathtub, curtain closed… without any water. Growing up, I shared a room with my sister and that was really the only place I had privacy.

4. I was married at 17. We were officially divorced almost 9 years later. He knows me better than most people I interact with daily, better than my family and any man I’ve been with since. He knows the darkness I fought to overcome. He’s stronger than he realizes. He’s the father of my daughter and someone I still consider a friend, even though we still drive each other absolutely insane.

5. I was curiously quiet when I was younger. I wouldn’t leave my house by myself and had very few friends. I spent my childhood observing people and am now unusually perceptive.

6. I was raised by my step parents. My real mother began playing an active role in my life when I was 22. I met my real father for the first time when I was 25. I am the oldest of 9 siblings; half, step and adopted.

7. I grew up on a 25 acre goat farm in Idaho. I was in 4-H and won 2 first place ribbons for my LaMancha goat named Butterfinger.

8. I’ve shot a moose, 2 deer, a rabbit and a handful of birds, but I refuse to put a worm on the fish hook.

9. My first crush ever was on my best friend. She lived on the corner, three houses down. Popular girl. Head cheerleader. She made me feel invincible. 15 years later, I find I have an unnatural attraction to computer geeks.

10. I use humor to deflect, music to express and Twitter to distract.

*Bonus. I want to open a Bed & Breakfast in Northern Washington, grow lavender and have my own textile and furniture design company.

@MartiniMom
@SingleMomSays aka MindyMom
@jrporter
@MrsKaty
My Hot Blonde Stalker Chick…

And a couple people I would just like to know more about…
@JellieBraden
@beporter
@bsdpunk

So, tag you’re it.
#assslap

Saying this will change your life might be dramatic, but a part of me kind of believes it.

Lightning Dust - Listened On

"You can reach into the middle of this song, to its core, and hold on to it for the support you need. No matter what goes on around it, that voice, it walks like a pre-teen in high heels, wobbly ankles, it's so true and sad, and it doesn't kid around. If you've ever cut down a Christmas tree, you know what I'm talking about. You can reach right in, past the needles and branches, the ne'er-do-much strumming and the merely periphery organ, and hold on to that voice to keep your balance, to grab hold when the bottom falls out, to carry it home with you. She sings like she'd never look you in the eye." [via Said The Gramophone]

Heard the sound from miles away
and it thumped in my ear like a drum.
I was picked out of everyone, so listened on.
Took me out of a passion I'd imagined
and sent me out on a search.
If it hadn't rained so hard that night
I could have made it to your house by 1.

But sometimes when you're walking alone
you feel your mind start to lose control
and I felt like a vicious joke
would have killed me all the way home.

We were running through the night so fast
but none of us could catch up to you.
Day shone a little less light so you
taught me how to follow my shadow.
Could have sunk me like a stone
but the stars shine brighter in the sky
then the dust from the dirt below.

But sometimes when you're walking alone
you feel your mind start to lose control.
And I felt like a vicious joke
would have killed me all the way home.

All that's overlooked...

I'm learning, too often the hard way, that it's mostly the little things that make the biggest difference and create the largest impact.

What's in store for me in the direction I don't take?

Is it possible to go back? I mean, say you have the choice to step back into a life that once was... can it ever really work? I've been stuck on that Elton John song, Sacrifice, for a while now. Each time I sit down and try to figure out why, I pause... too long. Is it that I don't want to face something or is that I already know and am too afraid of the answer? Either way its avoidance.

I miss a lot of things that were... people that were. I have tried and will continue to try to make amends to those that I have hurt, but there is only one thing I can sit here and say I regret right now... I regret how J and I ended. I regret the way I treated him, the expectations I had, the disrespect I showed... the sacrifices we both had to make. Its true that we don't know what we had until its gone... but I've also seen that we don't know what we're missing until it arrives. I've grown a lot these last few months... experienced things and met people that I'm not sure I'm ready to give up. But what if this break was all we needed?

I was cleaning out the drafts in my blogger last night, and came across the following post. This was written in early September.

It is what it is… and we created it.
I have to go. The time to move on has passed. I need to leave for you, me and Addi. We both know that in a few weeks time, just as we have begun to find a comfort in each other again, the pain and frustration will surface once more and we will have nothing more than angry questions left to hold on to. I hate seeing the frustration and anger in your eyes, not knowing you and feeling like I have nothing to say to you. I hope one day soon, very soon, I will find my friend again... and perhaps you can rediscover that girl that made you feel at peace once. For now, our time is done and I've worn out my welcome in your world. My desire to start over is quickly outweighing my desire to keep you in my life. I need to go before it wins.

I'm not sure what's more alarming - that I had been pushed to the point of breaking so many times by a man I loved so much...yet kept standing there, or that I'm not angry over the situation anymore? Somethings still hurt but I am learning that just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.



So, what does this all mean? Where am I going and what do I want? Other than a little space... I don't know. What I don't want is one more regret... one more what if. I am feeling a little vulnerable right now and that makes me nervous, but I awake each morning with a smile in my heart and a family of butterflies in my stomach... so I must be doing something right.

You'll be dressed like a ghost... and I'll be dressed like a chicken.

Trust... ugh...that word stirs butterflies in my stomach.

Trust is something that I have a hard time with... but only in my more intimate relationships. Its never been an issue with my friends... sometimes with family, but not really. Just the men I've been chosen to love.

How do you build it and why does it take so little to lose? More importantly, how do you rebuild it? That's the one I am struggling with now. A friend recently concluded that my trust and commitment issues existed because I "don't like to feel vulnerable." Which, I don't. Do you? I can't imagine it's something anyone openly desires. It's so simple and obvious, yet there are a couple of things at play here...

1. No one I've ever been so intimately involved with has been able to find that balance between not offending me and talking openly with me about me... and
2. I didn't want to acknowledge a lot of things about myself [yay to growing up and getting over yourself]. I am a perfectionist. Some of you are gasping in mock horror now and you know what, I'm ok with that. But one of my more difficult issues to swallow is the feeling of inferiority. And admitting that something like that is a problem with me made me feel like a failure.

I've gone through emails, phones, mail, various online accounts, personal notebooks... set-up a fake identity... all in search of what I thought was foul play. Sometimes I found what I thought I was looking for... but now, I look back and wonder if perhaps I just took it out of context because I wanted there to be something. Anything taken out of context can mean something, right?

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with past situations and relationships. I am an all out open person. Nothing is off limits... personally or professionally. When you're in a relationship with someone not as open, how do you keep from going insane? How do you keep trusting... not knowing everything... not understanding everything... especially when you've been burned before?

If you only choose to comment on one of my posts, choose this one! Let there be more candor!

In slightly unrelated news, Chili's Loaded Potatoes are 10 times better 2 days later!

[moody.music] Eisley - Brightly Wound