Old habits die hard... when you have a sentimental heart.

Guess what I'm doing tonight? Yeah... I'm watching another movie. I asked Addison to choose one and she brought me You've Got Mail. Surely, she's trying to bank bonus points for her teen years. You've Got Mail is one of my top five favorite movies. Yes, its cheesy. Yes, its predictable. I get lost in the simplicity, though. Lost. Besides the crush I've had on Meg Ryan for years, its the principle and the conversation that I get caught up in.

People don't take the time to get to know one another anymore. You meet someone, you're attracted, you laugh and viola... Instant boyfriend. The "just add water" relationship approach has never suited me. Each of my more substantial relationships began with a foundation of years... Literally years of friendship. In each situation, all were at the time my "best" male friend. I don't take dating lightly... Heh... I'm sure that's no surprise... There isn't much I take lightly.

I've met a fair amount of men online. We talk for a while, if they can maintain a conversation. During that time their position in my world is made. Friend, potential something more or someone that needs to be kicked. Most of the time this all takes place before physically meeting them... and most of them, after the first meeting, I never see again. I enjoy the anonymity of it all. And yes, I realize it allows me the opportunity for my guarded self to control the situation. Old habits... Old wounds... Etc etc. But I know what I'm looking for and if I don't see it, why play around?

But here is where my frustration starts... put a woman & a man together for a long period of time and sex is sure to come up. The flirty banter, the long personal conversations... Its all foreplay, essentially. While these conversations can be fun as well, I find myself checking out once they start. Too often, I feel as if I was born in the wrong era... Or is it my liberal feminism that kicks in? Should I start screaming from the mountains "I want you to appreciate my mind, dammit! Who cares about my ass!". Hah... Oh the irony. I think both sides are at war here...

I am an intelligent, multidimensional woman with plans... serious plans, to kick ass and take all the important names. {pumps fists and growls} I genuinely appreciate what people have to say and the brain they thought it with. Woo me with your wit and intellect... makes my knees weak, dammit. Your hair will fall out. Your gut will grow and my boobs will sag... more. Its all superficial bullshit. /rant

{straightens hair} Apologies.

Anyway, I'm sure you get my point. I realize Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly are fictional and on paper we can all be super-hero's, but I've refused to believe I'm alone here. Saturday I took a left and headed north meeting a kindred spirit... who, for the last few weeks has proven to share a similar mentality. I'm totally digging the simplicity, the getting to know you, the honesty and the lack of pretension.

What a truly rare and exciting find.

What the hell is wrong with you?

 If there was anyone keeping my company this morning that is surely the question they would ask. I woke up on the wrong damn side of my broom this morning, I guess.

I’m sick of being sick. I’m tired of being tired… and well… I’m over being stressed out. I’m just going to sit here and try to keep my mouth shut while I take a day to bitch internally to myself.

{Staples forehead}

Just one more single momma with a lot on her mind.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about other people. More specifically, their opinions about how we raise our children as single parents. I've been sitting on this post for a couple weeks and Ms Single Mama beat me to the punch the other day with her brilliant post, My Decision. Once again, we seem to be living in parallel universes. I guess at some point we all encounter this situation… single parents or not. Someone, somewhere always has an opinion about how you’re raising your child and the ways in which you are failing.

I became virtually introduced to Ms Single Mama a couple years ago when she first started blogging… blogging about raising her little boy alone. At the time, my daughter was very little and I was merely emotionally alone. I had a partner, who was doing the best he could. I just couldn’t see it. Becoming a mother was the scariest and most brilliant moment of my life and I sought refuge and gained strength and insight from her words.

I’ve been blogging for a while… December 2006, I believe was my first post. It originated from the notion of keeping family and friends on the west coast apprised of the change and discoveries within our life here in Chicago, but actually turned out to be a door to one of the greatest support systems I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve a handful of friends who get all dreamy when they think about raising their kids alone… no partner to appease, come and go as you please, etc. It makes me laugh when they see it as something glamorous. Wasn’t it just a few years ago being a single mother was the equivalent of wearing the Scarlet A?

Truth is there isn’t much that’s easy about this. There’s the balance between work and home – working just enough to keep the electricity on and still spend quality time with your kid. Questions you’re not ready to answer – why doesn’t daddy live here? The constant wonder of how your decisions will shape their future. And then there’s the dating. And most of us just give up on it. But then when we’ve no date for Thanksgiving dinner we’re up against all the looks and the age-old idea that a child needs two live-in parents in order to result in a healthy functioning member of society. It’s exhausting. But it’s still the best damn job I’ve ever had.

This blog of mine has now become my little corner of the world where I say what I want about whom and rant about the things that aggravate me and work through any lingering questions or emotions I might have while showing off the best of me; my daughter. It’s unrealistic to think that this blog accurately exemplifies my everyday life. It is simply the Swiss cheese representation. There are literally 2 maybe 3 other people in my life who get the rest of the “cheese”, if you will. They know the background stories; why becoming a mother was so scary for me; they know why, when and whom raised my emotional wall and they are fully aware of what it will take to tear it down, they see the interaction with my daughter, they know her and how stable and amazing she is. Point is… these are people who get it… the work, the dedication, the sacrifices, the emotional strain and triumph these Spencer girls have gone through.

Sure, I put my stories out here, let everyone draw their conclusions… and some fail to see the whole picture and take things at face value. But then there are the others, that read, ask and interact… and it’s your selflessness, intelligence and compassion that I love about this whole adventure. There are always nay-sayers, people who attack with prejudice and inexperience. There are always those that don’t understand your vision and appreciate your struggles… and being the stubborn woman that I am with the schedule that I maintain, I’ve just no time or patience for such arrogance.

Insecurity raises my defenses, but Ms Single Mama said it best in her post ‘when you’re up against a pre-conceived image of yourself how do you fight that?’ I’m a damn good mother and I’m not going to live in fear of a few sideways opinions. My daughter is healthy, happy and loves life. She’s intelligent and compassionate, stubborn and strong-willed. She’s resilient. Just like her mommy. And that’s the way... uh huh uh huh… I like it.

Hugs to all my readers; supporters and otherwise. You all keep me going… even if it is in different ways.

Earning my stripes.

I continue to give props to my friend The Gentleman who once suggested I like holding onto old skeltons. This one statement of his started a revolution within me. His rare honesty, willingness to pull back the layers and the humility to look past the fight... make my knees weak and inspire me often to change my mindset. I'm pretty sure he was born riding a white horse.

I’ve often been called an elitist, heck… I think I’ve even described my actions that way. Some even tell me initially they were intimidated by me and found me stuck up. Truth is I really am none of those things. I just tend to keep to myself if you’re not amusing or intriguing me. Ok… I am a bit of an elitist. Point is this behavior of mine tends to give me a lot of thinking time. Often people scare me because I will be so deep in thought, or rather, conversation with myself, I don’t even notice them in front of me.

Lately, I’ve been rolling around a couple conversations I’ve had with Carl. Each one he’s basically said the same thing; I broke his heart and he never felt I was “in it” with him. For the longest time, I’ve been beating myself up about the way we came to be who we are to one another today… mere acquaintances. During my latest conversation with myself I had an epiphany… I need to get these thoughts out of my head and continue cleaning those skeletons out of my closet. Bear with me here…

Dear Carl,

I am posting this letter to you here because you’ve pulled the plug on our friendship... yet again and I also know you no longer come here.

[World, welcome to my passive-aggressive moment.]

You were caught breaking your own rules and with this new decision of yours I’ve had to fight the urge to tell you just how hypocritical and immature your actions were. Truth is, I would never tell you this, because regardless of everything, I meant all I said. You’ve sat by and let me beat myself up over things I did for the best interest of my daughter and myself, yet until 3 weeks ago, you were enjoying your cake and eating it, too. Lunches with the ex and dinners with the new girl. Rock on, playa. Honestly, I hold no grudges, though.

I missed you… missed us and was willing to deal with the consequences of my actions, because it still gave me a little more time with you. I still have the emails, a random voice mail, Uncle Daryl, the memories were we seem so real I would swear I could touch us. Remember, the freezing cold walk we took to the grocery store for root beer floats and when we got home, cuddled under the blankets to get warm and fell asleep forgetting all about the ice cream? Or the time we missed the train four times in one morning. I just finished the last of the lotion left over from our stay at the Westin and I still get the email alerts every time your favorite local band is playing.

The reason all of this bothers me so, is each time I talked to you about the dissolution of us, you lead me to believe I broke your heart. You cried. You begged. You told me how angry and of the mess you became because of it. Swore I was one of two girls you said those three little words too… the other being your ex wife. Yet, within two weeks of our parting, you had another girlfriend… not just dates… a girlfriend. And then you finally came clean about that old flame. And that’s ok… I already knew about her.

At our lunches, we would sit and talk about where we are now, what we’re doing and how we maintain our sanity. You would always ask “are you seeing anyone?” To which I mostly replied “no”. You would then say the thing that irritates me the most… “Well… someday you’ll find some guy who will appreciate you and then you’ll be happy”.

And I realize all over again, you still don’t get it and you probably never will. Your tone alleged that you felt sorry for me. There’s no reason for that. I am happy. Now. Right now. I don’t need someone else to define me… in a way I guess I needed to prove that to myself. I cared about where we talked about going too much to destroy it the way I’d done in the past. I needed to heal and work that out of myself before I could move on to an “us”. And if I rip off all the layers, you are a large part of why I stepped outside the circle of new boys, too.

For someone you found it so easy to say ‘I love you’ to, it was even easier to replace me. During our lunches, I would look at you and often wonder if you were happy… truly happy. You wouldn’t look me in the eye very long, but your eyes never seemed to sparkle the same… maybe they do when you look at her. I guess now, I’ll never have to worry about finding the courage to ask you.

My best… always,

Jerkface.

Jade and various other shades of green.

I’ve had a couple interesting conversations this past week with both Carl and Flannigan. We discussed several commonplace topics. And rehashed what still feels like open wounds.

Recalling these conversations now, I can’t help but wonder: does hindsight cloud our judgment? Is the sense of loss sometimes so great that when looking back, we instantly don rose tinted lenses and remember things better than they in fact were? Or is it that while looking back, after the embers have cooled, one can genuinely see the errors of their way and can at once experience genuine regret and loss?

All around me I see and hear about relationships quote end quote failing. I’ve been tossing around the idea that perhaps I bring that plague on them… but I digress. Point: Where are all these happy couples us single people are supposed to be jealous of? {Insert disconcerting look here}

Is it simply that they’ve all forgotten what its like to not have their partner/spouse/16 cats? Why do we hold those that we love to such incredibly impossible standards yet feign shock and awe when we’re let down?

Would things have been so different for me if someone had given me my advice? “This is your life. Right here. Right now. It doesn’t wait for you to get your shit together.” Poignant, huh? I’m going to stitch it on a pillow.

They’re all missing the moments now, by holding each other to these impossible beliefs and standards that the Nicholas Sparks’ and whomever wrote that dreadful Twilight series have placed in everyone’s heads.

Be blessed you have someone by your side, willing to put up with all the crazy that is you. They’re genuinely hard to find.

And… please take my advice, when you do find them, make sure they ‘feel’ it.

/rant {trips as she jumps off soapbox}

We might as well be strangers...

A long overdue conversation started last night. Part of me is a little embarassed that I said some of the things I did... spilled the proverbial beans, if you will. But at the end of the day, I think it was time. Perhaps, this will give greater understanding to why I approach him the way I do, why the sensitivities exist and at the end of this conversation, I hope we can walk away with a little deeper understanding of one another.

The following landed in my reader this morning... the cosmos are watching me and its about freaking time they stopped hating me.

PISCES: February 19 - March 20th

Today brings at least one new way of seeing your situation -- one that feels more balanced! It's a great day to start to feel normal again after a long period of wondering where you were headed.

I'd like to walk around with your mind for a while.

Last night I watched "Me and You and Everyone We Know" and I highly recommend you watch it. These lines from the movie pretty much sum up everything I'm created of, believe in and hope for.

"I don't want to have to do this living. I just walk around. I want to be swept off my feet, you know? I want my children to have magical powers. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it." - [Richard Swersey played by John Hawkes]

I have an intense desire to be surrounded by things and people that inspire me and I've discovered this new place where colors are more intense and conversations more meaningful. Its amazing the things you miss in life when you are so worried about what the outcome will be, who its benefiting and you're not just enjoying the mere presence of whatever that moment is in your life.

I have lots of things swirling in my head right now; conversations, emotions, revelations... but a friend, whose opinion is gaining more and more weight, shared a dream of his... where all his friends live on the same street.. a real butchers shop, a coffee shop playing Sinatra all the time and an eccentric neighborhood bakery. I think The Gentleman is on to something... and I'm off to spend my Friday night riding the inspirational wave he's left me with.

Moody Music: Trashcan Sinatras - How Can I Apply

I have a stalker? Sweet.

Hey, hot blonde girl. I can see you.

You must have questions, or else you wouldn't be here. I don't like playing with middlemen... too many things get lost in translation. Want to know? Ask me.

I don't bite... hard.

Wise words to live by...

“Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath.”

- Michael Caine

Until my birthday, I will be obsessed with my horoscope.

PISCES: February 19 - March 20th
Try your best to hold onto your sense of reality today -- hard as it may be! Something big has shifted and you might have to adjust your thoughts and feelings in accordance with the new info.

The happiness dispenser

Thanks, *Carl. Your presence was needed tonight.