Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts

Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.

Today these winds just cut right through me. Oh, how quickly the seasons change… coming and going before we notice. How quickly everything seems to change these days, I guess.

Last week we lost my mother and I’m still having a tough time accepting this. She was 48. She was a very eccentric woman and I loved that about her. She was a dreamer and had a fervent love of nature and animals. My mother loved anything crafty and creative, she had a wonderful laugh… and she wouldn’t want me sitting around feeling sad. So with her spirit in tow, even though I’m still processing this, I’m trying not to get too caught up in it… which means that after just a couple stumbles, it’s time to get back on track and get back to work.

Thank you to my dear friends for all your kind words, your lended ears and shoulders. Thank you to my Mr. and to Spencer for all their unyielding compassion and support. There is nothing better than having the best of friends near you when your family is so far away.

[Title quote courtesy of Reinhold Niebuhr]

A little of this. A little of that. And a lot more to come...

Today was my second day back at work. Something's missing. Oh, that's right... my commitment. Compared to the rewards of the last six weeks, it is not hard to imagine why.

Aiden, who is now 7 weeks old, is spending time with an old friend of mine. Yes... he is spoiled and has found himself a nanny. Not sure many young men would complain about a tall, busty blonde doting on them all day, so I think he's enjoying himself. I am excited though to see my friend more... so much has changed this past year for us both, it is almost as if I've a new friend.

A couple of days ago, my step-father killed himself. Pills. He was found outside... alone... face down in the ground. He died still unable to find peace. I'm tormented more by those thoughts than by any of the memories of my childhood.

This weekend I turned thirty. I'm quite excited about my thirty's. My twenty's ended up being full of life lessons, new adventures and life long friends. Can't imagine how the next ten years are going to shape up, but I'm excited to find out.

One year ago Monday, Navy Boy and I started out on this little adventure of ours. One year ago. Wow. What a ride. I'm so very lucky that my hesitation and his persistence paid off the way it did.

On the way home tonight, I turned to the radio to relax. I flipped to the alternative station and turned that volume button full circle. The soundtrack for my journey proved to be quite a thrill. I'm definitely loving these tunes right now.

Whatever life may bring, I know I've already won.

Last night Addi went with me to get the mail. Addi looked down at the athletic wear catalog she pulled from the mailbox and grinned. "Your belly doesn't look like that anymore, Mommy. But mine does," she giggled. She turned around and patted my stomach. "Your belly's getting bigger and bigger, mommy."

Sighing, unable to deny the truth any longer, I replied, "Do you know why mommy's belly is getting bigger?" A confused Addison shook her head no. "Because there's a baby in there, you goof ball!"

Without hesitation, Addison jumped in the air and clapped her hands. "I wanna play with it!" she exclaimed.

"We have to wait, Addi. First, we have to wait for your birthday and then for Christmas. Then, the baby will be done sleeping and you can play with it."

"When the snow comes?"

"Yep. When the snow comes, the baby will too." I reached for my wallet and pulled out the ultrasound pictures. "See this? This is the inside of mommy's tummy."

Addi wrinkled up her nose. "That's disgusting!"

Laughing, I pointed out the head and the body of the baby. She laid on the floor and pretended to be the sleeping baby. When she was done playing, I got up to get a drink from the kitchen.

"Mommy," Addi called. "Why's your butt getting bigger then?"

While my sanity and the very threads that bind this woman together have been tested these last few months, luckily my sense of humor remains.

So here I am. 16 week pregnant momma.

Waiting for January. And hoping it brings a little girl.

Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around.

And though it was salt water, there was something 'bout the way it tasted so familiar.

Josh Ritter - Change of Time

The sun... it rises slowly, as you walk.

I’m stealing an idea from a blogger I fell in love with about 2 years ago. As J says, “Amalia, she’s amazing.” And she truly is. Please. Go see for yourself...

Today I am trusting … that is all. This is, at times, far more than I can accept… but I’m trying.

Today I am thankful for this man and the changes in my life he is inspiring.

Today I am inspired by an old soul I met via Twitter, @MorseMusings. We have shared the occasional comment here and there and her words always light a fire in my stomach and warm my soul. I ventured to her blog today, to catch up on my neglected readings. This woman is powerful. Graceful. Humble.

Quietly, I await the weekend. Addison and I will be participating in our first annual Breast Cancer walk. I'm excited to share this experience with her and I look forward to many more. So far, that's the only plan this weekend. I'd love to grab my sketch book and head for the mountains... but alas... Illinois has none.

Late night conversations with the best of me.

Tonight while laying in bed, Addi wandered off on one of her many tangents... Tonight exploring babies and growing up.

"Yesterday, I went to my dads house and we colors. I went grashrr!! {Waves arms in the air} and my finger got wet."

"Really? That sounds crazy."

"And my just played at my daddy's house. Actually. And then I went eh! Eh! And we took a little nap."

Addi loves pretending... She's a very vivid imagination, one of my favorite things about her. Right now, she loves pretending to be a baby. I border on finding it adorable and.... Incredibly annoying. Its a fine line. She stayed in the roll for a couple more minutes, before I gently reminded her that she is now a big girl and we must go to sleep.

"What are babies for?" She questions.

"Uhm... Babies... are for mommies & daddies to love & play with. Then they grow up to be big girls, like you."

"My was a little baby?"

"Yep. You were my little baby. And now you're my very sweet, big girl and some day, you'll grow up and be even bigger, like mommy."

"My be a mommy?!!!!" I cannot add enough exclamation points here to illustrate her excitement.

"Yes, baby. You'll be a mommy. And a grandma when you're older."

"What about a daddy? Can my be a daddy, too?!"

"Boys are daddies, baby. Girls are mommies. Which one will you be?"

"My's a girl. Can be a mommy!! My's so excited! You ready, mommy?" She questions as she grabbed my face and pressed her nose to mine.

Am I ready?

Hell, no. Holy hell, no.
Good lord, they grow up fast.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Life is imaginary. It's your dreams that are real.

Laughter really is the best medicine... and its cheaper than hair plugs.

After another exchange of awkward texts today, involving a very ill received compliment, I opened my Google Reader to pour through the several hundred blogs I browse... for inspiration... for clarity... for distraction.

Forgive my bad taste in humor, but I laughed out loud when this article popped up.

How to Take a Compliment

by Rigel Celeste

Compliments are a part of life, and although you might not always feel you deserve them learning to accept a compliment graciously is a life skill you'll never regret.

Be grateful The best thing you can do when someone compliments you is to simply say 'thank you.' And smile, because smiles work wonders.

Reciprocate if and when appropriate. If you've just won an amazing award you can say "thank you" and leave it that, but if it's something simpler like a friend complimenting your new haircut say thank you and then return the favor by complimenting her scarf or new shade of lipstick.

Don't argue or try to invalidate the compliment. For example if someone says "Good job!" don't counter with "I could have done better." Accept the compliment for what it is and don't make people work to get their point across.

Be sincere Be genuine in your response, not absent-minded or mechanical. Really mean it when you say thank you, and if/when you compliment them in return.

People sometimes feel that when they accept a compliment it makes them seem self-centered or arrogant, but really when people argue or negate positive acknowledgments they just come off as insecure, uninterested, or rude even. It's much better to be a well-rounded, balanced individual that can appreciate when someone is making a kind gesture.

One fine day to be... nude.

Honestly, I'm feeling a little burned out today. A little more vulnerable. And I hate it here. I need a pick me up tonight.

Its a sad awakening when one realizes the locks and chains around their beating heart. Humbling when one realizes the effect it has on someone they care about. Embarrassing when efforts to change go unnoticed. I'm probably just doing it wrong. Yeah, that's it. Patience, I guess... that's the only word that my limp brain can muster right now.

I've never been comfortable in my "patient pants"... and even if I were... I'm sure they wouldn't fit right now anyways.

Regardless of how old I get I hope I will never tire of...

Top Ramen, Mac & Cheese and Chicken Pot (chicken pot) Pies. They always wash me with the most obscure memories.

Tonight, on this perfectly great Saturday night, I sit at home watching Mannequin [don't judge me] enjoying Marie Calendar's finest, remembering the games my brother and sister and I would play in the hay stack behind our farm house. Hours were spent on those old stacks... Laughing over antics, whining from the scratches and screaming at the site of the mice residing within. I miss those kids...

So many things turn and make a left in life and it saddens me... To my very core... This distance put between my siblings and I. I wish it merely miles that separated us, but truth is our lives are so drastically different and hurried, finding common ground proves troublesome too often.

Chicago is oh, so lovely and everything I dreamed it would be, but after spending the last week with my loved ones I'm finding myself hard to locate again now that I'm back in my comfort zone.

Perhaps its merely exhaustion showing its ugly self.

But... Perhaps its more.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Like brail written on my skin... you're but a piece of me now.

Have I ever told you about my dear Calvin? We met while I was in 7th grade. He was in 9th. The first time I saw him, we were at the bus stop. Early fall morning. He was sitting alone against the brick wall of the elementary school with a binder in his lap... faded jeans and a well loved hoodie.

I was a completely different person then… quiet and awkward, afraid of my own shadow. So, the thought of actually talking to him never crossed my mind. Have you ever met someone and just knew there was something great about them, something unspoken that you just had to be a part of? That was Calvin. His eyes gave him away...

By the end of the school year, we had started talking... mainly; I just made stupid remarks about his hair or his sweater... anything to get him to notice me. I can't really recall what the conversations were about and I never really knew a lot about him. He carried comic books and magic cards and his eyes held a mischievous innocence that mesmerized me. Those were the only truths I knew about him.

His grandparents lived a block from the bus stop and on my way home, so he would humor me and let me walk with him. Occasionally, he would even let me sit with him on the bus. And to repay him and show him how much I adored him, I filled condoms with water, froze them and threw them at him. That was the last day of school... and the last time I saw him. Yeah... I've always been a little awkward around the boys. Sigh...

A couple summers ago, I was digging around MySpace, looking up the friends of my childhood and since he was one of those that I was never able to wash from my mind, I unearthed him. We know each other better now than ever before... I know he crosses my mind a lot. There are just certain people in your life that come in, get under your skin and crawl there for an eternity. He's coming to visit me in a month. This will be the first time I have seen him in 15 years and if I don't cry when I see him it will be a miracle.

I wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you there is a part of me that's worried that the ease and comfort we've grown accustomed to will not exist in person. Two years we've weaved our way through the internets getting to know one another... Calvin's one of my best friends. Someone I'm comfortable telling anything to and someone I wish I could spend more time with. But the idea of having him close enough to touch is kind of scaring the shit out of me...

But it’s ok. I'm not mad at the feeling.

{Skips away}

Tapeworms are what keep me thin.

I heart the sideways glances I get when people learn I don’t have cable television [and I have no plans to, either].

We all bitch about the effects of reality television and how it stagnates our brains. We complain about television raising our children [and God help us, for that]. Our daughters, sisters and girlfriends frown each morning in the mirror thinking of the Heidi’s, Lindsay’s and Kim’s. But my favorite part of all is this: we invite it in. We make it dinner and ask it to stay the night. And when the world bears down on us, we turn to it to console us.

When will we realize there are healthier options? Just because it’s there, doesn’t mean you have to watch/read/listen/buy/abuse it. But, it’s so much easier to sit and melt away; complaining of this bullshit society flings and wonder where our yesteryear morals have escaped to, isn’t it?

Its amazing how much of yourself you find when you stop letting pop-culture tell you who you should be.

{Jumps off soap box} I seem to be spending a lot of time on that thing lately. Next time I’ll bring my markers to make it look a little prettier. Decorate it Lisa Frank style, eh @jelliebraden?

Song of the moment:

Pet Shop Boys – I’m With Stupid.

They weren't joking when they said there was going to be a test later.

Is it possible to create confidence while under influence?

I was talking with a friend the other day about weight and calories and all that crap that so many women care about. I walked away with two thoughts…

First was: within the last year and a half, I literally cannot remember a time I looked in the mirror and told myself I needed to lose weight or really even gave a rat’s ass about how my body looked. For a girl who forced her lunch up throughout her teens and overindulged to the point of obesity in her early twenties, I’m pretty proud of where I am now. So what if I have a mommy belly that’s determined to nevereverever snap back and a little extra junk in the trunk… I am woman. Hear me roar…and step away from my burger, dammit.

Second thought was: Shit.

Raising my daughter to be confident and strong in this superficial world is going to take more work than I anticipated and boy! I've anticipated a lot. I laugh at the irony of this, though; the little girl who never left the house alone, cried herself to sleep because her step-dad / sister / husband / neighbor’s first-cousin’s best-friend’s mother said something once to make me feel insecure, molding a highly impressionable little girl. We’re starting with the ‘What Not to Do’ version, I guess. I have a beautiful daughter… inside and out. And each time I hear my girlfriends fret and stew over their appearance, I can’t help but think of Addi… and it forces me to loudly and sometimes, dramatically, sigh.

My great-grandmother once told me something that had to do with regretting worrying so much about her appearance in her youth because by the time she had the maturity to just be herself, she was too old to enjoy that emotional freedom. I was too young and affected to pay attention to what she was saying then… my demons were drowning her out. If only I had paid more attention to her… to all my grandmothers… when I was younger, I could lean on their words for some footing here.

Ever since that conversation with my girlfriend, I’ve been thinking about the how’s and the why’s, trying to come up with ideas and practices to start engaging in for my daughters benefit. And because I talk to myself all the time… well, silently… but still… my internal voices keep asking random questions. Why do we women chain ourselves down with these ridiculous notions about weight and appearance? Is it the men we’re trying to impress? Each other? Is it the negative influence of those damn Kardashians and the Lohan’s? Why do we limit ourselves so much and let these societal influences control us? And who, what, when and where did I stop caring?

The part that burns me… the part that makes me want to grab the microphone and start rapping on top of my soap box is why are we settling and letting someone or something else dictate how we present ourselves? When did we, as a culture, become so arrogant that we thought we had the right to force out individuality and uniqueness?

Let me give you a hand... letting yourself out.

One thing most men simply do not seem to understand about me: I loath playing emotional or mental games. Are you looking for a one night stand? Looking for the proverbial white picket fence and 2.5 kids, soccer practice and Girl Scout cookies? Just want someone available to watch the random movie with? Just tell me. I understand these wants and needs change, too. Just keep me informed. Why does there need to be so many layers to everything?

I recently spent some time with The Candy Man and I will never forget the feeling I had when I woke up in the morning; looked at the clock, at him sleeping, left and sent him a text telling him I didn’t want to wake him but it was nice seeing him again. Driving home, had I not been so tired I would have giggled. This is what honesty feels like with a man? Hold on… even now I need a celebratory drink. I love adult moments.

I’ve been asked a lot recently, why I haven’t been dating and everyone has someone I just have to meet, but I’m not interested. I’m on hiatus. Honestly. And I fucking love it here.

Somewhere, I read a quote that said something along the lines of “the times you feel the loneliest are the times you need to be alone the most” and that replays in my head daily. I became so codependent with J it’s embarrassing. It truly is. I did meet two really great guys and I blew my chances with both because of this. The first? Candy Man… easy. Met him a week after J and I broke up… raw and full of it. I simply transferred my codependency on to him. And with Carl, I pushed him away (actually, it was more like kicked and ran away from) to keep from doing it again.

I felt and still feel that I needed to stand on my own for a while to truly appreciate having someone else in my life. 17 when I married. 26 when I divorced. By that time I was already involved with a man I was convinced I was going to marry. March 2009, birthday present to my 28 year old self? My own place full of my own stuff. Hello to growing up! That is what I am doing. There are days I am so tired and stressed and feel like crawling in my empty tub to bawl, but when I go to bed at night, I feel a sense of accomplishment I’ve never known before. Right now...I’m in love with those butterflies.

Yes, I am a single mother with a full-time job, but I also have essentially 4 other part-time jobs. I don’t have time to figure out where these adventures are going or to worry about whether or not some Joe is going to call me. What little time I do have is reserved for a precious little piece of me… and I need to make damn sure I know where its going if I’m directing it away from her.

Someday, I will meet the man that blows me away and slows me down… I’m not in a hurry, though. I’m, not so secretly anymore, looking forward to more dinners of peanut butter and pickle sandwiches and roaming through my apartment in my wife beater, boxers and unshaven legs.

Yeah I went there... {giggles}

Whoa means nothing to a Swedish horse... or a growing three-year old.

The lights went out this weekend and at the home of the Spencer girls, that could only mean one thing... time to build a fort. We pulled all the dinning room chairs into my bedroom and covered them with our spare blankets. We ate dinner with our flashlights, read stories and ate tootsie rolls.

Addi's been asleep for hours, but I'm still sitting under our fort. I can't help but laugh because the image of this, me sitting Indian style under a bunch of blankets surrounded by all my daughters’ beloved stuffed friends, is the near physical representation of something that's been bothering me for a while now. My baby's growing up, way too fast, and it's only going to be but a moment longer before she's no longer my baby girl, my monkey... and she's off on her own doing big girl things.

I have a little confession... Addi sleeps with me nearly every night. She falls asleep in her own bed, without a fuss... just like my little angel, and around 11pm when I go to bed, I pick her up and bring her to bed with me. I know... what the heck am I thinking, right? I feel like I'm missing so much with her. I love that her father is so active with her and sees her as often as he does, but sometimes my selfish side kicks in and I wish I could steal away more time.

She's turning three in one month; moving to pre-school; too big to wear toddler sizes and is quite certain she could take care of herself some days. I think it’s safe to say I'm taking her turning three harder than I will me turning thirty.

I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

I have all these things rolling around in my head… lots to say, I just don't know how really. Last night while texting with The Gentleman, truly one of the last nice guys left, he asked me the following question, have you ever received flowers on a Tuesday just because he thought of you?

I rolled my eyes, shook my head and emphatically and dramatically responded no. The question hasn't left my mind though. It’s not the action of receiving flowers that’s stuck in my head; it’s the principal that leads to the question "Do you think of me when I'm not there?" This question has come up so many times in my past relationships. I've realized two things as a result of that text and my conversations with him. First, I’m tired of feeling insecure in my relationships and second, no more settling. I find it ironically funny that I have chosen to settle in my intimate relationships when I don't in any other aspect of my life.

My friends joke along with me about the random men that I date and interact with… one wise man recently remarked on how full my dance card seemed… I seem to be developing quite the reputation with the boys. Truth is… if you must know… I don’t trust them.

None of my dating adventures last past three months. I typically cut the cord in some way by then. Either I stop calling, push away or find some “fatal” flaw… Boys turn into children, the gamers stop playing by the rules, and the overly sweet ones eventually give you a cavity. Just ask me, I’ve a reason for each. It’s not even a conscience thing. I’ve a wall no one has been able to penetrate, as of yet.

I will admit I hide behind my obnoxious exterior…often. I’ve reclaimed my independence in a much fiercer manor…plus it’s easier to not get hurt when you’re the one doing the poking.

I know why this wall was created. I can even pinpoint the exact moment I first heard the crack in the universe. The thing I can’t figure out is how to tear down this wall. Isn’t it a little idealistic to think there’s someone out there eagerly waiting to do that for me?

Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery, right? Or does that only work in AA meetings. Regardless… what now?

Potty Training 101... here we go again.

We're potty training here at the Spencer household right now. Well... again, I should say. About 6 months ago, Addi was all over it. Maybe I was in denial and didn't want to see my baby grow up so quickly or... maybe I was just too focused on other things. Either way, she ended up in pull-ups again.

Yesterday, I took the plunge and she wore her "beeg girl pantays" all day. No messes, either! Of course, the alarm went off every 30 minutes to remind me to ask her... but its still exciting! We have a chart on the fridge that she gets to put stickers on and she is loving every minute of it.

Addi is an easy study, so I don't expect this to take long... however, I on the other hand am not really ready for my baby to be grown-up. Oh... and I just remembered that I forgot to have her go before her nap... I think she's better at this than I am.

You'll be dressed like a ghost... and I'll be dressed like a chicken.

Trust... ugh...that word stirs butterflies in my stomach.

Trust is something that I have a hard time with... but only in my more intimate relationships. Its never been an issue with my friends... sometimes with family, but not really. Just the men I've been chosen to love.

How do you build it and why does it take so little to lose? More importantly, how do you rebuild it? That's the one I am struggling with now. A friend recently concluded that my trust and commitment issues existed because I "don't like to feel vulnerable." Which, I don't. Do you? I can't imagine it's something anyone openly desires. It's so simple and obvious, yet there are a couple of things at play here...

1. No one I've ever been so intimately involved with has been able to find that balance between not offending me and talking openly with me about me... and
2. I didn't want to acknowledge a lot of things about myself [yay to growing up and getting over yourself]. I am a perfectionist. Some of you are gasping in mock horror now and you know what, I'm ok with that. But one of my more difficult issues to swallow is the feeling of inferiority. And admitting that something like that is a problem with me made me feel like a failure.

I've gone through emails, phones, mail, various online accounts, personal notebooks... set-up a fake identity... all in search of what I thought was foul play. Sometimes I found what I thought I was looking for... but now, I look back and wonder if perhaps I just took it out of context because I wanted there to be something. Anything taken out of context can mean something, right?

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with past situations and relationships. I am an all out open person. Nothing is off limits... personally or professionally. When you're in a relationship with someone not as open, how do you keep from going insane? How do you keep trusting... not knowing everything... not understanding everything... especially when you've been burned before?

If you only choose to comment on one of my posts, choose this one! Let there be more candor!

In slightly unrelated news, Chili's Loaded Potatoes are 10 times better 2 days later!

[moody.music] Eisley - Brightly Wound

Define: My Personal Space

Define: Blog
Definition: A frequent, chronological publication of personal thoughts and Web links.

So, I've had this blog for a little over 2 years... one would have thought it could have evolved into something interesting to read, but alas, it is just my personal space - where I do tend to bitch sometimes, post things that may not make sense to you... or me even and try to make sense out of some of my relationships. With that said, I have a lot on my mind right now... beware. Some of you are likely to find things here that upset or even offend you.

You have two options...
1. Talk to me about it
or...
2. In the upper right hand corner of this screen, there is a red box with a white X in it. If you click it, I will go away.

But with that being said, and because I am not completely hardcore and insensitive to others, I am sorry if you don't understand where I am coming from.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.” - James A. Garfield

Moody Fingers...

{tweet.tweet}